FOOTBALL

🧑‍⚖️ Keeping up with the Icardashians

Just when it seemed like the credits were rolling on everyone’s favourite soap opera, Mauro and Wanda Icardi’s marriage has thrown up another ludicrous plotline.

As we reported last month, the couple are finally divorcing after a decade of arson, human trafficking, and ridiculous marital affairs.

And while most couples would spend their time haggling over child maintenance fees and that Persian rug in the living room, Mauro knows there’s a better way to get back at Wanda.

According to Argentine press, the Galatasaray striker has been hooking up with his divorce lawyer - reality TV barrister Angela Burgos.

FOOTBALL

🪄 Paul, will you use your “witchcraft” to summon the gravy

The worst family drama most of us can expect this Christmas is your ULEZ-obsessed aunt ranting about “woke vegan gravy”.

But over in the Pogba household, things could get a little more spicy.

Paul’s brother Mathias arrived in court this week charged with extortion and criminal conspiracy after a group of his friends sort of a little bit kidnapped Paul and held him at gunpoint back in 2022.

The group demanded €13m from the France midfielder, and when he only coughed up €100,000, Mathias posted a video online promising “explosive revelations” about his brother.

He claimed Paul employed a witch doctor, who had had cursed Kylian Mbappe before Man Utd v PSG and had summoned the plague of moths that disrupted the Euro 2016 final.

Naturally, Paul went to the gendarmes, who threw Mathias in the slammer for three months but he’s out now to face more charges of blackmail.

And if you’re wondering how their mum is taking it, she arrived alongside Mathias in court earlier this week.

FOOTBALL

🟨 The referee’s a banker

Another day, another David Coote scandal.

The sesh head ref is still awaiting his punishment for calling Jurgen Klopp a “German cunt” and posting videos of himself snorting lines of bugle at the Euros.

And now another “friend he met online” claims Coote deliberately yellow carded a player to impress him.

The day before reffing Leeds v West Brom, the fan asked Dave to show a yellow card to Leeds’ Ezgjan Alisoki, telling him: “I’m off to back it in the morning so don’t let me down.”

The next day, Coote booked Alioski in the 17th minute. He messaged the fan afterwards telling him: “I hope you backed as discussed”.

Doesn’t look great for Dave, who has denied any wrongdoing and deployed the old “just banter” defence.

And in fairness to him, Alioski’s tackle deserved a yellow card.

FOOTBALL

🔫 Nott guilty

With his portly belly and generous transfer kitty, Nottingham Forest owner Evangelos Marinakis could easily be mistaken for an off-duty Westfield Father Christmas.

But Kris Kringle never got accused of heroin trafficking and match-fixing, whereas the Greek shipping magnate has fought both those charges in court (he was found innocent).

Now he’s been charged with “inciting sporting violence” and “funding a criminal organisation” over the murder of a policeman with a flare gun.

Greek prosecutors claim the Olympiakos owner is in cahoots with the club’s violent Gate 7 firm, who are accused of killing the policeman in a riot at the Olympiakos v Panathinaikos women’s volleyball match.

Marinakis - who denies any involvement - does have links to Gate 7 members. Here he is with his sometime bodyguard Vassilis Roubetis, a hooligan and hitman who was assassinated last year…

FOOTBALL

👹 FIFA Fo Fum

“I created a monster,” said former FIFA boss Sepp Blatter this week as he complained about the greedy governing body wrecking football.

Ah yes, if only we could return to the quaint days of Blatter’s reign, when FIFA was run by good, honest crooks who would rig a World Cup for a brown envelope of cash and a gold Rolex.

When they weren’t wiring millions to Swiss slush funds, bent blazers would also send prostitutes to delegates’ rooms to sway them ahead of a crunch vote.

In the early 2000s, this was replaced by more “family friendly” backhanders, like internships and school fees for their kids.

Sadly the FBI ruined all the fun by arresting several blazers, prompting Sepp’s downfall. He branded it “an Anglo-American conspiracy”.

AND FINALLY…

📱 Phoning it in

When a Brazil fan asked Danilo to sign his phone, the defender typed in his name and handed it back.