FOOTBALL

🤑 Where there’s a will, there’s a Ney

When a mysterious Brazilian billionaire fell seriously ill recently, he knew the time had come to decide who would inherit his vast fortune.

With no wife or children, he briefly considered donating his life savings to the donkey sanctuary, or that nephew in Fortaleza who always sent a Christmas card.

But then he had a change of heart, and decided to leave all his worldly possessions to… multimillionaire Santos midfielder Neymar.

The billionaire had never actually met Neymar, but in his will he explained:

Ah, he was an orgy man. That explains it.

FOOTBALL

🪪 ‘Malpractice

For most teenagers, a summer trip to Turkey means necking raki in a beach club, getting sunburnt on a banana boat, and panicking at the airport when you realise you dropped your passport during last night’s foam party.

And while Lamine Yamal isn’t quite your ordinary teenager, he did manage to misplace his pasaporte last Sunday, after Spain smashed Turkey 6-0.

Lamine ended up having to travel home on his own, although it wasn’t exactly the 5.45am Ryanair via Bratislava.

He hopped on a private jet…

FOOTBALL

🎓 Hooray the lads

100,000 paid-up Newcastle fans missed out on tickets for next week’s home tie against Barcelona, the club’s most exciting fixture for 20-odd years.

But at least they’ll be safe in the knowledge that the seats have gone to truly diehard Geordies, who’ve supported the Magpies through thick, thin and Steve Bruce.

Like the 45 kids from The High School of Dundee, who were looking forward to skipping off an air-conditioned minibus in tartan blazers and straw boaters, singing “Howay the Lads” in Latin.

The private school - 184 miles away from Newcastle - managed to get hold of the tickets after being “approached by an approved provider”, and were offering them to students as part of a £295 school trip.

After numerous complaints from “furious” supporters, the club has now cancelled their tickets.

Never mind. There’s plenty left for Dundee FC v Livingston the next day.

RUGBY LEAGUE

🚽 Toilet humour

From the Yorkshire Rimmer to John Hopoate the Finger Man, everyone knows rugby league is a magnet for the most ‘orrible blokes in sport.

So it wasn’t hugely surprising to see a clip of Brisbane Broncos fullback Reece Walsh lapping up toilet water directly from the bowl this week, claiming it was good “for recovery”.

The video didn’t go down too well with his club, who swiftly released the following statement:

Unless the plumbers happened to christen the new toilet before leaving.

FOOTBALL

⛓️ Can he do it on a cold Tuesday night against the nonces?

So many footballers have been banged up in recent years, it’s become a running joke that Prison FC could field a world class XI.

But until now, we’d never even considered the role of manager.

Former Man City striker Robinho is doing a nine-stretch in Brazil for a heinous sex crime, and this week it emerged he’s gaffer of the “abusers” team, who play against the “murderers” in the prison yard.

Tough place to go and get a result…

💉 Quick hits

🏝️ Elliot Anderson's older brother appeared on the 11th season of Love Island.

🏆 For the second year in a row, Real Madrid are planning to boycott the Ballon d'Or ceremony.

⚽ Josh King's disallowed goal against Chelsea was voted as Fulham's Goal of the Month.

⚖️ A judge has ruled that Tottenham fans can be rejected for a job working with Arsenal supporters, in order to maintain office harmony.

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AND FINALLY…

🚲 Rapha Rangnick

An injured Ralf Rangnick rode his e-bike to the tunnel at half time in Austria's World Cup qualifier against Bosnia and Herzegovina.