FOOTBALL

🎮 Dragged through the Mud

It’s been a miserable year for Chelsea winger Mykhailo Mudryk, who’s still serving his provisional ban for failing a drug test back in November 2024.

Still, at least he’s had plenty of time for his real passion: owning n00bs on Counter-Strike 2.

The Ukrainian has racked up nearly 700 games of the first-person shooter since his suspension, which roughly equates to an entire month of non-stop gaming.

Impressive stats, but Mudryk’s gonna have to find a new hobby because he’s just been barred from the game for “toxic” behaviour.

Long story short, he lost a game to some Polish blokes, and responded by repeatedly bringing up Volhynia - the scene of a massacre of Poles by Ukrainians during World War II.

That’s now a hat trick of bans for Mykhailo. He was also disqualified from driving back in December for speeding and having “excessive” window tints.

FOOTBALL

🤝 The Todd couple

Mikhailo Mudryk might be facing a long month on the e-sports sidelines, but he’s not the biggest villain in the world of gaming this week.

That accolade belongs to… Jeffrey Epstein.

Among the horrifying discoveries in the new Epstein Files: he was banned from playing Xbox game Madden NFL online for “repeated, severe or excessive.. harassment, threats, and/or abuse of other players”.

A root through Epstein’s inbox also reveals the convicted nonce met with Chelsea owner Todd Boehly on an unspecified business matter described as “the Irish situation”.

Whatever grubby deal was done that day, it can’t be worse than giving Mudryk an eight year contract…

Tired of dreary BBC News reports and pompous podcast waffle? Try The Knowledge, a daily email that gives you the very best of the world’s media – the spiciest opinions, the weirdest trends and the funniest anecdotes – all in a five-minute read.

To join our 150,000 subscribers, click here.

FOOTBALL

💅 Hairdryer treatment

When Gary Neville bought a house on Manchester’s millionaires’ row, he imagined a secluded haven where he could podcast in peace and enjoy quiet coffee mornings with Noel Gallagher.

But in reality, his picturesque property is a magnet for vapid beauty bloggers, jostling for the perfect fit pic and leaving a trail of discarded matcha latte cups.

According to a source, Gary is “pretty fed up” with endless hordes of influencers sitting on his doorstep and using his front door as a backdrop for their Instagram photos.

On the plus side, Gary does now get 10% off Sephora using the code “Mollymae10”.

FOOTBALL

🛴 Out of Luc

When the Polizei stopped Hamburg winger Jean-Luc Dompé for driving erratically last month, they knew they’d have to keep a close eye on him.

Back in 2023, Jean-Luc crashed his BMW into a bus stop during an an illegal drag race through the streets of St Pauli, before fleeing the scene.

This time though, there was no getting away. A breathalyser test revealed he was twice over the limit, and the cops confiscated Jean-Luc’s license and sent him home.

He hopped on an e-scooter and sped off, only for officers to immediately arrest him again for driving an e-scooter drunk.

He only lived 900 metres away….

BOBSLEIGH

🛷 Feel t’rhythm, feel t’rhyme. Ey up, it bobsled time!

Hollywood’s stuck in a death cycle of creative bankruptcy, churning out nothing but lazy remakes and unwanted sequels.

Which is great news for the Trinidad and Tobago bobsleigh team, who’ll almost certainly be able to flog their life stories to Disney+ to form the basis of Cool Runnings 2.

Last month, the squad clinched a spot at the 2026 Winter Olympics, under the captaincy of ginger Yorkshireman Axel Brown.

Axel had been on a 10-year mission to qualify for the games, after narrowly missing out on a place in the Team GB team at PyeongChang 2018.

His mum was born in Trinidad, so he decided to use his dual citizenship to establish a team there, and now it’s finally paid off.

His aim for the tournament? "Don't come last."

💉 Quick hits

❌ Mudryk isn’t the only big name in the news this week for receiving a gaming ban. According to newly released files, Jeffery Epstein was banned from Xbox Live back in 2013 for abusing other players on Madden NFL.

🤔 Paul Merson has an interesting way of pronouncing the name of Chelsea winger “Estêvão”.

💍 Donny van de Beek is engaged to Dennis Bergkamp’s daughter.

🐺 Wolves now have four players called Gomes: Toti Gomes, Angel Gomes, Joao Gomes and Rodrigo Gomes. They also have two players called Bueno.

🇰🇷 But that’s nothing on South Korea, who once fielded a team with five Kims and three Hwangs:

🔑 Get The Upshot ad-free twice a week when you upgrade to Upshot Gold.

AND FINALLY…

🙇 Nice to meet Yu

After accidentally hitting the ball at an official, Japanese volleyball star Yuji Nishida slid across the court for a dramatic “dogeza” apology.