FOOTBALL

🎙️ Jermaine penis

“Jermaine Jenas is no longer part of our presenting line up,“ announced the BBC yesterday, waiving their traditional 30 year grace period for badly behaved presenters.

Word on the street is Jermaine fired out some inappropriate texts to a female crew member on The One Show, and they must have been bad because his agent M&C Saachi have dropped him too.

Somehow the news didn’t reach Talksport Towers, where Jenas was live on air with Jermaine Pennant, merrily debating Erik Ten Hag’s job prospects as the story broke.

Sadly Pennant ignored the bombshell, so there was no repeat of the time the BBC told Gus Poyet he’d been sacked by Brighton at half-time of a Confederations Cup game.

FOOTBALL

🤑 Pawn sandwich brigade

While Todd Boehly spunks £20m on a triple decker team bus, Man United owner Jim Ratcliffe is pawning the training ground iPads and stripping lead from the Old Trafford drainpipes.

After culling 250 staff last season, Ratters is ramping up the torment for the survivors so he can fund another 20 minutes of Antony’s pay packet.

Staff say the penny-pinching chairman has scrapped their traditional match day lunch box, instead feeding them leftovers from the corporate buffets.

And if scavenging stale scraps of prawn sandwich and half-eaten vol au vents wasn’t bad enough, they’ve been barred from the players’ canteen and dispatched to a charming new dining area by the bogs.

“They’ve set up a dining table next to four toilet cubicles,” says one employee. “You come out of the cubicle and someone is sat in right front of you, eating.”

GOLF

🤝 Trump card

For most politicians, climbing the greasy pole involves years of lonely stump speeches and doors slammed in your face before you finally bag a role counting tamarisk leaf beetles in the Department of Agriculture.

So there were a few jealous glances when Donald Trump touted retired golfer Sir Nick Faldo for a role in his administration.

But what is it that Donald sees in the 67-year-old: his shrewd vision to undermine Chinese trade tariffs? His impressive tally of marriages?

Actually, it turns out Trump is a keen admirer of Nick’s “beautiful wife” Lindsay - an ex-stripper and Mrs Conservative USA who can’t recall how many times she’s been married.

The couple popped up at Trump’s campaign rally in Montana last week, where the Republican candidate told the crowd:

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TRIATHLON

💪 Call me Yeezy

When Alex Yee burst on to the scene, the baby-faced triathlete seemed more like a scrawny park runner than Team GB’s most ruthless bastard.

But a gold medal will change a man, and two weeks after pipping Hayden Wilde to victory in Paris, Yee’s swanning around like Billy Big Balls.

After overtaking Wilde again in the final yards of the Boston triathlon, Yee celebrated like a teenage FIFA addict as he crossed the finish line – leaving Wilde looking on in disgust.

FOOTBALL

🍔 Krist-scoffer

It never quite went to plan at Leeds for Norwegian keeper Kristoffer Klaesson, so when he bagged a move to Polish side Raków Częstochowa, his career was at a crossroads.

Unfortunately, after one last summer gorging curd tarts and chip butties, he rocked up in Poland 8kg overweight and was banished from training until he shed the pounds.

His new gaffer probably expected to see him popping Ozempic on a treadmill while wrapped in bin bags, but Kristoffer had other ideas.

Days later fans spotted him at McDonalds Częstochowa hunched over a grease-stained counter surrounded by discarded McGołąbki boxes.

According to local reports, Rakow are now planning to rip up his contract after just 37 days.

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💉 Quick hits

🎧 Jermaine Jenas’ dad changed his surname from Genas by deed poll so his initials would be D.J.

🏆 Alex Yee has the second fastest 5k time in Parkrun history - 13min 57sec.

🎥 Arsenal flop Nicolas Pepe is dating pornstar Teanna Trump, who you may recall from her work in Massive Asses 9.

🍑 Another impressive effort from the king of creative excuses, Oisin Murphy. The jockey claims he missed a breathalyser test because he came down with a nasty bout of piles.

📞 Three weeks ago, England cricket legend Graham Thorpe tragically took his own life. If you or anyone you know is struggling with their mental health, you can contact Samaritans for help and advice. Talking helps.

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AND FINALLY

🔥 De Geaaaaa Macarena

That's it for today. Thanks to Essam and Erik.