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Invaded by anacondas
Alejandro Garnacho's miserable holiday
💬 Quote of the day
“You better pray you can find a club to sign you.” - Ruben Amorim taunts Alejandro Garnacho in front of his teammates.
FOOTBALL
🖕 It’s been Amad old season
So Real Betis couldn’t quite do the business in the Conference League final, but it’s still been a remarkable few months for Antony.
His rise from pariah to Betis cult hero has been meteoric, and now he can spend his summer kicking back at some godawful beach resort.
Meanwhile, after enduring their worst ever Premier League season, his old Man United teammates have been forced to jet off to Kuala Lumpur for a miserable tour of the Far East.
They’ve already lost their first game 1-0 to ASEAN All-Stars, and next up is a public appearance in Mumbai to promote their official tyre partner.
Still, at least Amad Diallo is getting on with the local fans…
Surprisingly, Alejandro Garnacho is on the trip despite his recent outburst - perhaps because a 15-hour economy flight next to Rasmus Hojlund felt as good a punishment as any.
Amorim’s made it very clear he won’t be picking the Argentine next season, but that doesn’t mean he can’t spend a few more days crushing his spirit with endless admin:
And back at Old Trafford, it’s not just morale that’s in the toilet.
The stadium’s hygiene rating is back down to two stars, after mouse droppings were found in some of the hospitality boxes…
FOOTBALL
🐊 Gator raid
Whatever Philippe Coutinho thought his career was going to look like at 32, it probably didn’t include nervously smiling through an interview while 20 gunshots rang out in the background.
But the on-loan Villa winger did exactly that this week, as he addressed cameras outside Vasco da Gama’s training pitch.
Club staff described the gunfire as part of “normal police operations in the area”, and to be fair, Vasco’s facilities are located right next to where the violent gangster movie City of God is set.
But a few rounds from an AR-15 aren’t even the biggest hazard.
The training base is also regularly invaded by anacondas and alligators, and according to former manager Ricardo Sá Pinto, a gator once bit the leg off the team’s dog…
FOOTBALL
🍺 Don mess with my pals
Hats off to Dean Huijsen, who’s swapping sticks of rock and the creaking carousels of Bournemouth pier for tinto de veranos and tapas in sunny Madrid.
Who’s the genius agent who brokered his big move to Real? That would be Dean’s dad, Donny, who knows a thing or two about putting pressure on a chairman.
After banging in 22 goals in one season back in the mid ‘90s, Huijsen Sr. earned the nickname “Maradonny” and a contract with AZ Alkmaar.
But while at his new club, Donny fell in with the wrong crowd - namely, two of the blokes who kidnapped Freddy Heineken, CEO of the Dutch brewing giant, in 1983.
The duo made off with a ransom of €15.8M, went on the run, got apprehended, and served prison terms, all before crossing paths with Donny a decade later.
That’s according to Dutch TV presenter Johan Derksen, who decided to share this story on-air while covering a Nations League match back in March:
He introduced those friends, those Heineken kidnappers, to AZ.
The chairman of AZ was terrified of those guys. Huijsen had connections with them, in one way or another.
Which sounds like a good way of negotiating a hefty signing-on bonus…
FOOTBALL
🏥 Roman ruin
Nicolò Zaniolo is an Italian international, a Europa Conference League winner, and a former Serie A Young Player of the Season.
So when his old club Roma and his current side Fiorentina faced off in the Youth Cup semi-final, the youngsters were delighted to see him visit their dressing rooms.
But, sadly, Nicolò wasn’t popping in to bring glad tidings.
That’s according to the official statement Roma issued the following morning:
Witnesses report Zaniolo appeared visibly intoxicated.
He urinated in Roma facilities, provoked players, and, without verbal exchange, physically struck Mattia Almaviva and violently pushed Marco Litti against a bench.
Litti had recently undergone shoulder surgery. Both players required hospitalization: Almaviva received a 10-day recovery prognosis, Litti 21 days.
We should say, for balance, that Zaniolo vehemently denies this series of events:
At the end of the match I went down to the locker room to congratulate the Fiorentina boys and then I went to the Roma locker room to say hello and congratulate them on the season.
At a certain point they started insulting me so, at that point, to avoid the situation degenerating, I preferred to leave.
He declined to explain how the two teenagers ended up in hospital…
FOOTBALL
👋 His Rein is over
Like most people, we assumed Pepe Reina had long ago retired, and was busy entertaining Spain’s most caffeinated morons in some inane “Ballers League”.
Actually, it turns out the 42-year-old was still a going concern at Serie A side Como as recently as last week.
But on Friday he played his final game of professional football, and he signed off with a well-deserved straight red for a wild lunge out of his box.
But don’t worry, he still got a standing ovation as he trudged back to his dressing room one last time…
💉 Quick hits
👮 After retiring, Donny Huijsen was sentenced to five years in prison for exporting cocaine to England, but was ultimately acquitted on appeal.
💸 Man United's Europa League final loss means they have to pay kit provider Adidas £10million. They'll now go two years without Champions League football, which breaches their agreement.
🫣 According to Carles Aleñá, Marc Cucurella was so unpopular when he first joined Barcelona, most of the squad couldn’t look him in the eye. He’d been playing against Barca in a youth game for Espanyol a few weeks before, and had been too enthusiastic while celebrating a goal.
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AND FINALLY…
🪙 We won the coin toss, you’ll never sing that
Sliiiiight mismatch in the Middlesex County Cricket League, where North London saw off Richmond by hitting 426 runs and then bowling them all out for 2.
One Richmond fielder also dropped a catch on to his teeth and had to visit A&E, reducing his side to ten men.
That’s it for today.
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