Invading the pitch with a gun
Keys and Gray are back in business
Send stories, abuse and tasteless gags to [email protected]
đŹ Quote of the day
âTo be honest, I didnât do my research. I thought everywhere in England was nice.â - Jay Jay Okocha reflects on signing for Bolton.
FOOTBALL
đĽ Keys to the kingdom
Like Von Dutch hats, low-rise jeans and countless other noughties relics we thought were consigned to history, Keys and Gray are back.
Following their 13-year exile in Qatar, the duo have returned to the UK to launch a brand new podcast - Keys and Gray Unleashed - which premiered on Monday.
The first episode is well worth a listen, but in case you donât have the requisite 35 minutes, weâve pulled out just a few of the excellent Keysy quotes that are peppered throughout:
If Donald Trump had perhaps spoken to you or me in advance of his catastrophic, illegal war, then maybe heâd have thought twice.
I had breakfast with Eamonn Holmes, and The Daily Mail said I was laughing at his injury. No, I was laughing at his joke.
Harry Redknapp tried to have us put in jail⌠And he didnât give a toss. But thatâs one for the future.
Frankly, weâve never been more desperate to hear the end of an anecdote.
FOOTBALL
đŹ Dirty âArry
If Keys and Gray do ever disclose more details about Redknapp trying to put them behind bars, perhaps Ridley Scott could turn the story into a Thelma & Louise-style crime flick.
In the meantime, Ridleyâs production company is making a film about the time âArry subbed on a mouthy fan during a pre-season game, back when he was West Ham manager.
If you donât fancy forking out ÂŁ16 and schlepping down to Streatham Odeon, youâre in luck: Redknapp has told the anecdote many times before.
There was a guy next to the dugout. He kept on about Lee Chapman all first half. He wouldnât leave me alone. âHeâs useless, whyâre you playing him again?â.
Second half I say, âOi. Can you play as good as you talk?â. He said, âIâm better than Chapmanâ. I said, âCome on then, get youâre gear on and weâll have a look at yaâ.
After ordering the kit man to fetch the fan some boots, âArry sent him on up front, baffling the stadium announcer in the process.
The guy from the Tannoy system comes down and asks who number 16 is.
âWhoâs number 16?â I said. âHavenât you been watching the World Cup? Thatâs the great Bulgarian Tittyshev.â
Anyway, he scored a goal and Iâve got to be honest, on the night he was better than Chapman.
FOOTBALL
đď¸ Egyptian lover
After guiding Egypt to the knockout stage of a World Cup for the first time ever, manager Hossam Hassan felt he deserved a nice, relaxing holiday.
Unfortunately, not all holidays are relaxing. Sometimes the weatherâs hit and miss. Sometimes the airline loses your luggage. And sometimes, your two wives end up having a fist fight in the middle of the hotel cafe.
So it proved for Hassan, who reportedly fainted from stress while trying to break up his scuffling spouses at a luxury resort in Porto Marina.
Luckily no one suffered any major injuries, and Hassan was well enough to divorce his first wife as soon as he landed back in Cairo.
FOOTBALL
đ´ Stark Ravenâ mad
Speaking of great footballing polygamists, weâre delighted to announce that 46-year-old Ronaldinho is coming out of retirement to play for Ravenna FC in the Italian third tier.
Ronnie is a minority shareholder in the club, but President Ignazio Cipriani has insisted that signing him as a player is not a marketing stunt:
He has chosen to make an extraordinary gift to the city and to his new club: he will take to the pitch for Ravenna in an official professional match, with one clear and romantic aim â to try to score the final goal of his career.
To be fair, this isnât the most surprising move Ronaldinho has made since hanging up his boots in 2015. Among other things, heâsâŚ..
Starred in a feature film about kickboxing alongside Mike Tyson and Jean-Claude Van Damme:
Played the bongos at one World Cup closing ceremony, and awkwardly shuffled next to Madonna at another:
AND been arrested for trying to enter Paraguay using a fake passport:
FOOTBALL
đŤ Ivan with the golden gun
If youâre feeling mighty depressed about Jeff Bezos getting his clutches on Liverpool, and yet another consortium of boring American billionaires wading into English football, fear not.
Weâve still got Evangelos Marinakis, and outside of Europeâs top five leagues, there are plenty more madcap owners like him.
In Albania, Dinamo Tirana president Ardian Bardhi celebrated reaching the Europa Conference League play-offs by barging into his teamâs dressing room with a big bag of cash.
And over in Greece, PAOK owner Ivan Savvidis just had a showdown with a group of ultras, who stormed his office to protest the sale of their star striker to Borussia Dortmund.
In case youâre not familiar with Savvidis, he received a three-year stadium ban back in 2018, after marching onto PAOKâs pitch with a gun in order to confront a ref.
đ Quick hits
đś Mikel Arteta has changed the name of Arsenalâs club dog from âWinâ to âWonâ.
đ FIFA have sacked Kevin Lamour, the senior executive who publicly criticised Gianni Infantino.
đŤ Nick Kyrgios has been suspended from tennis after testing positive for cocaine.
đ°ď¸ Three Prime Ministers and 32 Premier League managers have come and gone since Man City first had 115 charges of alleged financial impropriety levelled against them.
đ Get The Upshot ad-free twice a week when you upgrade to Upshot Gold.
AND FINALLYâŚ
âď¸ The deflation of Adam
Hoffenheim striker Adam HloĹžek tried to sign a young fanâs shirt this week.
She declined.
Thatâs it for today.
Reply