FOOTBALL

☕ Didn't get the Memo

The suits at Spanish side Burgos CF couldn’t believe their luck: they’d landed iconic Mexican keeper Memo Ochoa on deadline day.

The medical was done, the terms were agreed, and the social media team had already devised a convoluted announcement video involving a Nacho Libre clip.

But just as Memo was about to sign on the dotted line, he sprung from his chair and announced he was nipping out to grab a quick coffee.

15 minutes passed. Then an hour.

And eventually - like a jilted singleton whose blind date has climbed out the bathroom window - the Burgos execs realised what had happened. Ochoa had done a runner.

That was five days ago, and they still haven’t heard from the Mexican keeper, despite repeated attempts to call him…

FOOTBALL

💦 Bad Luiser

Leo Messi’s Inter Miami are a bit like the Hatton Garden raiders: a gang of ageing pros, trying to rekindle the magic for one last job.

And in a way they have.

38-year-old Luis Suárez rolled back the years this week, when Miami took on the Seattle Sounders in the Leagues Cup final.

He didn’t score or anything - Miami lost 3-0 - but he did produce some of his trademark psychotic violence at the final whistle.

First, he grabbed 20-year-old Seattle midfielder Obed Vargas and put him in a headlock, while Sergio Busquets gave the cocky youngster a slap.

Then, Luis gobbed in the ear of Sounders’ director of security, Gene Ramirez:

It all proved too much excitement for the fans, who proceeded to beat the shit out of each other outside the stadium:

BOXING

🕺 Syk note

Oleksandr Usyk is a combat-hardened heavyweight champ with wild eyes and nu metal haircut of a school shooter.

So not really the sort of person you want to call out for lying.

Sadly for fellow boxer Joseph Parker - mandatory challenger to Usyk’s world title - he might not have a choice.

Parker’s camp have been trying to set up a bout between the two fighters for some time, but the Ukrainian has repeatedly delayed talks, blaming a back injury.

Which was fine, until this week when he was spotted on stage with singer Nadya Dorofeeva, sashaying and jiving like Anton Du Beke:

The WBO have now given him 30 days to begin negotiations with Parker…

FOOTBALL

🍑 Justice for the Ass Parade 3

The Atletico Goianiense Under-17 squad were already having a great day.

Flying to an away game, the Brazilian youngsters had free rein to wander round the airport, loading up on Blue Razz Elf Bars and copies of FHM.

Then, just when they thought the trip couldn’t get any better, they saw a familiar face in departures: it was adult star Elisa Sanches, who you’ll of course remember from her starring roles in ASS PARADE and Brazil Xposed 3.

Three of the lads immediately lined up for a photo with the grand dame of Brazilian pornography, and posted it online to the delight of their giddy mates.

Unfortunately, Atletico Goianiense weren’t so impressed. They ripped up the rowdy teenagers’ contracts, blaming "lack of discipline" and "poor performance".

It all seems a bit unfair, especially considering Sanches has retired from adult entertainment and is actually training to be a football referee.

Although probably not why they recognised her.

FOOTBALL

🚒 BILD them up then knock ‘em down

After a long summer of transfer heartbreak, Spurs fans finally had something to celebrate when their club landed one-time wonderkid Xavi Simons.

But it sounds like the 22-year-old Dutch forward might be a biiiiit of a diva.

That’s according to German red top BILD, who recently published a roundup of his indiscretions while playing for RB Leipzig. They include:

1) Standing up Max Verstappen after Red Bull arranged for them to meet in Las Vegas.

2) Inviting a hairdresser to Leipzig’s training centre, who set off the fire alarm by using too much hairspray. The fire department arrived in large numbers and 300 employees were forced to evacuate.

3) Whinging so much in the dressing room, his teammates christened him “Princess”.

Still, that’s nothing on the sordid antics of Spurs’ other new signing, Kolo Muani.

We’ll be telling Gold Shotters about his transgressions on Monday…

FOOTBALL

😘 If you Lev me now

Farewell then, Dan Levy. Tottenham’s oddball executive chairman has hung up his red pen.

For 25 years, Dan was widely considered the tightest bastard in the Premier League - Alex Ferguson once said striking a deal with him was "more painful than my hip replacement."

And after selling Luka Modric to Spurs, a Dinamo Zagreb director recalled: "After we agreed the transfer of Luka to Tottenham, I politely asked for five of Luka's jerseys.

"Levy gave them to me. But the invoice for the transfer, €23m, was minus the value of the jerseys."

💉 Quick hits

👬 Yes, Xavi Simons is named after Barcelona’s Xavi. His brother, born in 1996, is named after Faustino Asprilla.

💰 Roman Abramovich originally tried to buy Tottenham, but Dan Levy wanted too much money. In the end, Abramovich offered £140 mil for Chelsea. 24 hours later, the deal was done.

🥩 In their article about Memo Ochoa, the Daily Mail used the phrase “wall of flesh” to refer to a goalkeeper.

🕺 Anton Du Beke’s real name is Tony Beke.

🇵🇹 André Villas-Boas’ grandmother was from Stockport.

🔑 Get The Upshot ad-free twice a week when you upgrade to Upshot Gold.

AND FINALLY…

📊 Sort “worldies” by A to Z ascending

Wayne Lineker advertises his business chops by staring at a blank spreadsheet.