FOOTBALL

️‍🌧️ Cold Trafford

“Honey, come quick” yelled a breathless Ruben Amorim as he unfurled the blueprint for Jim Ratcliffe’s new Zippos Circus sporting cathedral to replace Old Trafford.

“And the best thing? It will be done in just five years!”, he panted as the colour drained from his wife’s face.

“Five years?” she shuddered, gazing at their sludgy lawn as frozen rain lashed the windows, and the microwave pinged to announce their Iceland horse meat korma had thawed to an edible state.

According to sources at the United training ground, Ruben’s wife Maria is unhappy with the "wind, rain and dark nights" in Manchester, and is pining for the sun-dappled cobbles of Lisboa.

She’s not the first WAG to tire of life in Manc. Angel Di Maria’s wife branded the city a “shithole” and told the winger “Honey, I want to kill myself, it’s nighttime at 2pm”.

And David De Gea’s girlfriend called Manchester "uglier than the back of a fridge”…

SNOWBOARDING

🚓 Life of Ryan

Ryan Wedding’s family haven’t had much to cheer about since his 24th-place finish in the Giant Slalom at the 2002 Winter Olympics.

As we told you a few months back, the Canadian snowboarder is on the run in Mexico, accused of smuggling several tonnes of cocaine into the US and orchestrating a string of gruesome murders for the Sinaloa Cartel.

But there was champagne popping in the Wedding household this week, as Ryan made it onto the FBI’s prestigious Top Ten Most Wanted list.

The race for Easter number one is on, with Ryan battling the excellently named Vittel’Homme Innocent, who did a bit of a boo-boo when he kidnapped 17 Christian missionaries in Haiti and held them hostage for 61 days.

Still, Ryan’s spot in the top ten does suggest the FBI are finally treating his case with the gravity it deserves.

Last year, they codenamed the mission to catch him “Operation Giant Slalom”.

And a spokesman joked that Ryan "went from navigating slopes to contouring a life of incessant crimes" and “triggered an avalanche of violent crimes".

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FOOTBALL

👙 Life’s a beach

The good folk of Ibiza have endured a hard winter.

As the mercury plunged to a measly 16 degrees, the beaches were shorn of their shrivelled German ballsacks, and the sambuca-stained floors of Pacha lost their stick.

But as Wayne Lineker emerges from his fur-lined coffin for another party season, Ibiza’s pervier residents are starting to remember what they love about the island.

And when Unión Deportiva Ibiza gaffer Paco Jémez was asked a dry question about statistics, his mind immediately wandered to one thing:

FOOTBALL

🗡️ Shooting daggers

It’s been a rough old year for Dagenham & Redbridge fans, but their hopes were lifted when the club signed Championship winner Michael Hector to aid in their relegation scrap.

So imagine their horror when they flicked open social media to see Michael being snapped up by Angryginge in the Baller League, an influencer-led 6-aside tournament cooked up by KSI and Lukas Podolski.

The league will see teams of “former Premier League players, futsal players and celebrities” face off in front of Prime-swigging teenagers, a challenge Hector will now have to balance with cold Tuesday night games against Ebsfleet United.

Wait til Daggers fans find out centre-back Tom Eastman has signed up for a Misfits Boxing fight with Ricky Hatton…

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FOOTBALL

🥸 Tell Wright from wrong

We received this excellent story from a friend of The Upshot this week.

For reference:

Can see what she’s getting at. Sort of…

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AND FINALLY…

🧮 Simple Jack

He’s the best thing since sliced veg.