Kidnapped in the jungle
Hardest Geezer's evil twin
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š¬ Quote of the day
"The smell of weed in the tunnel is the only thing different.ā - Preston manager Paul Heckingbottom after his side's game against Swansea, which was attended by the Welsh side's new co-owner Snoop Dogg.
FOOTBALL
š Two pills for Ā£10 to celebrate Sadio ManĆ©ās wife passing her GCSEs
When Luis Diaz was tearfully reunited with his father after his terrifying kidnap ordeal in Colombia, he had no idea the good news was just getting started.
Back on Merseyside, a group of enterprising coke dealers were toasting the occasion with a generous special offer, which they sent to 9,000 loyal customers using a burner phone:
3 for Ā£75 for the next hour to celebrate Luis Diaz dad getting released in the Colombian jungleā¦
Unfortunately for the gang, that message turned out to be their downfall, and this week eight of them were sentenced to more than 63 years in prison.
Thatās what you get for trying to be niceā¦
FOOTBALL
š¶ Reverse Engle
Speaking of hostage victims, Hardest Geezer has kept himself busy since he was released by Congolese kidnappers to finish running the length of Africa.
He ran to every England game during Euro 2024, jogged the northern coastline of Iceland in 2025, and now heās setting out to qualify for Team GB at the next 24 Hour World Championships.
Good luck to him, but weāre more invested in his forerunner: American endurance athlete Charlie Engle.
Engle became famous after running the Sahara Desert in 2007, but not before battling cocaine and crack addiction in the ā80s and ā90s.
The other day, Engle recalled the time he tried to drive off with a car he found unlocked on the street:
I jump into the driverās seat and I drive down the street. Then I hear this sound behind me. It sounds like a cat.
I turn around and there was a baby strapped into the back seat of the car. Iāve basically stolen a baby.
Fortunately for Engle, the babyās mother was waiting when he drove back:
She just opens the door, unbuckles the car seat and takes the baby. We don't exchange a word.
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FOOTBALL
šŖ I now pronounce you husband and knife
It doesnāt take much to spark a row between a fiery Neapolitan couple.
And after burning the ragĆ¹ and leaving a scratch on his wifeās Vespa, one Napoli fan was already on thin ice as he sat down to watch his side play Atalanta on Sunday night.
But when a tight VAR call went against his beloved side, the fan unleashed a foul-mouthed tirade at the TV, and his wife - who was in the room next door - thought he was shouting at her.
So she did what you or I would do: hurled a pair of scissors at him, before chasing him around the house throwing knives like a femme fatale in Octopussy.
Cops even found a shank embedded in the wall when they arrived on the scene:
The wife was eventually arrested, and worse still, Napoli lost the game 2-1. Vaffanapoli!
FOOTBALL
š If you strike my down
A player in Istanbulās amateur league performed CPR on a seagull after the keeper accidentally hit it with a long ball.
He even put it in the recovery position, and apparently was able to resuscitate it before handing it over to medical staff.
Thank God he didnāt give it mouth to mouth.
FOOTBALL
šļø Have you met my brother Norris?
If youāre a Brazilian footballer, your name will likely fall into one of two camps.
Itāll either be flamboyant - think Ronaldinho, Garrincha, and VinĆcius JĆŗnior - or it'll sound like the name of a middle-aged IT manager from Romford: Kevin, Fred, or Nathan.
To the first list, we can now add 17-year-old Internacional forward Raykkonen, who was born exactly nine months after Kimi RƤikkƶnen won the 2007 Brazilian Grand Prix.
Heās the latest in a long line of Brazilian footballers named after pop culture icons.
Thereās Caxias right back John Lennon, AtlĆ©tico Goianiense legend Mahatma Gandhi, and Remo winger Yago Pikachu, to name a few.
But our favourite? Retired journeyman striker Creedence Clearwater Couto.
š Quick hits
š¤ Lionel Messi says he regrets not learning English as a kid, because heās met some āincredible, amazing personalities" that heās not been able to have a conversation with. People like Martin Lawrence and DJ Khaled.
šØ The assistant manager of Dutch side Go Ahead Eagles was arrested this week following a fight in a bar on a night out.
š¦ Relegation-threatened National League side Kingās Lynn have been accused of deliberately flooding their pitch with sprinklers in order to get a game postponed.
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AND FINALLYā¦
š¤ Kamdenās Hell
US volleyball star Kamden Shcrand does whatever it takes to keep the volley alive.
Thatās it for today. Thanks to O-Sholt.
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