FOOTBALL

🗡️ You can take my Paulaner, but you’ll never take my FREEDOM

With one point from their first two group games, Scotland have a mountain to climb to get out of their group.

But perhaps they can take inspiration from this fan, who had the fight of his life to make it up the escalator in Cologne.

It ended predictably…

FOOTBALL

🌞 King of the ignorants

Missing out on a spot at the Euros is tough, but most spurned stars simply head to the sticky white sofas of Mykonos to have Salt Bae chew their ear off about his new crypto-funded ‘concept’ in the Saudi desert.

But for defender Marcos Llorente, failing to make Spain’s squad meant he could pursue his true passion: railing against the evil puppeteers behind Big Suncream.

“If you think skin cancer is caused by the sun, you’re the king of ignorants,” the Atletico Madrid star told his followers this week.

Marcos was of course parroting the exciting new conspiracy theory that the health risks of the sun have been cooked up by the marketing department of Ambre Solaire.

Makes you think…

FOOTBALL

🤩 Sunny delight

Scalding hot cups of Tom Yum Soup flew into the air at Boxpark Shanghai as China snuck into the next stage of World Cup qualifying this week.

And the delirious fans had a new hero: Singapore keeper Hassan Sunny, whose 11 saves against Thailand ensured China scraped through on goal difference.

Soon Sunnymania was sweeping the nation: the 40-year-old goalie was deluged with adoring messages, and Chinese expats in Singapore swamped his wife’s food stall in a hawker market.

As the stall’s payment details circulated on Chinese social media, Hassan’s bank account overflowed with a rumoured $5.8 million in donations.

Hassan is giving it all to charity, but he’s now touring the Huangpu district, signing goalkeeper gloves and posing with women in bridal dresses.

BASEBALL

⚡ Flipping hell

When Cincinnati Reds fan William Hendon ran onto the field and did a backflip, he was expecting a clip round the ear from the cops, and his portrait on the frat house wall.

But American police aren’t known for their measured response to minor indiscretions, and Will’s party trick earned him a 50,000 volt blast from the taser.

💉 Quick hits

🇨🇭 Switzerland’s Xherdan Shaqiri has now scored in six consecutive international tournaments.

🙏German officials have appealed for more sex workers amid “overwhelming demand”. Apparently Cologne and Stuttgart are particularly stretched.

😬 Legendary NFL coach Bill Belichik - the Sir Alex Ferguson of America - is dating a 24 year old. He’s 72.

👨‍🍳England forced their team chef to sign an NDA so he doesn’t reveal the squad’s eating habits. We’ll save him the trouble: well-done steaks x26.

AND FINALLY

🥊 Hit and Swiss

An unlucky Switzerland fan takes one in the face during their draw with Scotland.

That's it for today. Thanks to Daniel.