FOOTBALL

🏆 ‘Mane man

So football’s answer to Eurovision is over for another year.

And while we don’t really give a shit about the Ballon d’Or, it’s hard not to be pleased for Ousmane Dembélé, who seems like a nice bloke and a worthy winner.

Unless, of course, you’re Lamine Yamal’s dad.

He was so incensed by his son coming second, he labelled it “the biggest moral damage done to a human being.”

And he wasn’t the only bloke embarrassing his kids at the ceremony.

Germany’s 64-year-old World Cup hero Lothar Matthaus was there with his new 26-year-old girlfriend, looking like a steroid-addled Miami Beach weightlifter.

Lothar won the Ballon d’Or himself in 1990 - nine years before Theresa was born - and since then he’s been divorced five times.

His fourth marriage ended in 2010, when German tabloids published photos of his 22-year-old wife being unfaithful.

Heartbroken, Lothar removed his wedding ring on live TV, and declared he would no longer be paying for her planned breast reduction.

AMERICAN FOOTBALL

👑 Meanwhile, the Ballon d’Ivorce goes to…

Still, Lothar’s got nothing on legendary NFL coach Bill Belichick.

Often described as the Alex Ferguson of American football, 73-year-old Bill won six Super Bowls with the New England Patriots between 2001 and 2018.

But these days - despite still coaching the North Carolina Tar Heels - he mostly makes headlines for his relationship with 24-year-old entrepreneur Jordon Hudson.

The couple met when Jordon was a 20-year-old cheerleader, and now she manages Bill’s personal brand.

Last month, the pair applied to trademark the term "gold digger", presumably plotting some godawful jewellery range featuring the slogan.

And this week, they were in the news again, teasing a “snake-themed entertainment project.”

No, we don’t have a clue what that means either.

FOOTBALL

🎙 Didn’t get savage banter like this with Matt Baker

A year and a half ago, Jermaine Jenas was sat on the One Show sofa, hobnobbing with Michael Palin and patiently waiting to fill Gary Lineker’s MOTD shoes.

But 18 months is a long time in the life of a BBC presenter.

After a very public sexting scandal, Jermaine now spends his time discussing xG and wildcard strategy with Jermaine Pennant, co-host of his Fantasy Football podcast.

According to Pennant, “There was so much savage banter in our WhatsApp group, it had to be turned into a pod.”

Dread to think what’s in that group’s shared media, but still - Jermaine seems happy enough.

Back in December, the pair had their Christmas drinks at Hooters, with a cardboard cutout of the woman from Baby Reindeer….

FOOTBALL

🦅 Bird of spray

Unfortunate moment for Nice’s falconer and his bird of prey, after he accidentally walked in front of a sprinkler during their pre-match presentation.

But don’t feel too sorry for Mefi the eagle. Pretty sure Juan Bernabe’s bird has been sprayed with far worse.

CRICKET

☝️ Bye bye Birdie

Farewell, Dickie Bird. Tributes have flooded in for the world’s finest cricket umpire, who died on Tuesday at the ripe old age of 92.

If only people were so respectful when Dickie’s statue was unveiled in Barnsley in 2009.

Sculptor Graham Ibbeson depicted Bird with his index finger raised as if he was dismissing a batsman, but the pose turned out to be catnip for saucy vandals:

Eventually, the statue was raised 5ft from the ground in order to deter people:

💉 Quick hits

🤑 Christian Horner got an £80m pay-off when Red Bull gave him the boot.

🏌️ The Ryder Cup kicked off with a celebrity match this week. Brooklyn Beckham had a “nightmare” round, losing a ball and getting heckled by the crowd throughout.

🧮 FIFA are “seriously considering” expanding the 2030 World Cup to 64 teams with 16 groups.

🇧🇼 Botswana has declared a public holiday to commemorate their men's 4x400m relay team winning gold at the World Athletics Championships.

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AND FINALLY…

🔮 I see Fenerbahçe in your future