FOOTBALL

🎂 Fresh prince of Belmarsh

So, like Al Capone going down for tax evasion, Andrew Mountbatten Windsor has been arrested on suspicion of misconduct in public office.

Worse still for the Andrew formally known as Prince, he was detained on his birthday of all days, meaning he had to cancel his dinner reservation at Pizza Express Woking.

The unfortunate timing brings to mind our favourite story about a terrible birthday.

After a poor run of results back in April 2003, Crystal Palace decided it was time to axe their manager - the late, great Trevor Francis.

Sackings are very much par for the course in football, so the club’s hierarchy were slightly surprised when they delivered the news and Trevor’s lip began to quiver.

Then they realised why. According to former Palace chairman Simon Jordan, Francis sat their quietly and said, “But it's my birthday..."

FOOTBALL

🛌 Only Ghod can judge me

When Amanda Staveley and Mehrdad Ghodoussi became co-owners of Newcastle back in 2021, the husband and wife team praised the club’s “massively passionate fans”.

And they were right to.

Not only did Magpies supporters travel 3,000 miles this week to stand topless in the Azerbaijani night, but one even offered to sit in the corner of Staveley’s bedroom and watch the couple “go at it”.

Sadly for voyeuristic Geordie Kieron, Mehrdad politely declined his offer.

Never mind. Maybe he can ask the governor of the Public Investment Fund if he’s up for it instead.

Tired of dreary BBC News reports and pompous podcast waffle? Try The Knowledge, a daily email that gives you the very best of the world’s media – the spiciest opinions, the weirdest trends and the funniest anecdotes – all in a five-minute read.

To join our 150,000 subscribers, click here.

FOOTBALL

🐺 Thrown to the Wolves

When the club you own is having a historically bad season and the fans are baying for blood, there are two ways you can go.

You can listen to their concerns and plough in money in a bid to turn things around, or you can snub the locals entirely and build a new fanbase of Prime-swigging American tweens.

Wolves’ owners are seemingly going with option number two, this week inviting moronic influencers StableRonaldo and Marlon to Molineux for their tie against Arsenal.

They gave the streamers free box tickets and kitted them out in Wolves gear, which back-fired slightly when Arsenal scored and they started celebrating:

Fortunately the Wolves faithful got the last laugh. When Edozie scored a 94th-minute equaliser, the influencers had to go into hiding:

BOXING

🤯 Hell hath no Fury like a 60-year-old man who’s done too much gear and lost his sense of purpose

He’s raised a heavyweight champion, his GBH conviction is finally spent, and he’s got a brand ambassador deal with a grubby gambling portal. John Fury has it made.

But despite those riches, there’s one thing Tyson’s ‘orrible dad wants above all else: for someone - anyone - to hit him hard in the face.

The former boxer and self-proclaimed “King of the Bareknuckle” is constantly begging people to fight him, and this week he turned to pundit and retired middleweight Carl Froch.

The pair crossed paths at a press conference for Tyson’s upcoming bout with Arslanbek Makhmudov, and John didn’t mince his words:

If John is what the ultimate male looks like, it’s news to us. We were under the impression he looks like a shaved bulldog that’s been dragged through River Island.

FOOTBALL

🚕 It’s my orgy and I’ll cry if I want to

Cristiano Ronaldo is finally playing again after going on strike over Al-Nassr’s “lack of investment”.

The whole incident was pretty rich considering the club is paying him £489,000 a day.

Then again, Ron does like to share the wealth. Like the time he sprung for an orgy with two Man United teammates and his “awful, fat and bald” taxi driver.

We tell the full story on YouTube.

FOOTBALL

🛴 Must have wheelie hurt

Being a Turkish referee isn’t easy at the best of times.

You have to put up with terrifying ultras, gun-wielding owners, and - if you’re 61-year-old referees chief Orhan Erdemir - someone leaking your sex tape.

But now officials in Turkey have a new danger to contend with: two-wheeled push scooters.

Someone threw one at assistant referee Hakan Başkurt on Monday, after he ruled out what would have been a match-winning goal in the 87th minute.

How the disgruntled fan got an EVO Dirt Rider past stadium security is still a mystery.

💉 Quick hits

📉 Arsenal are the first team in Premier League history to be top of the table and let a 2+ goal lead slip against a side in the relegation zone.

🥸 Former Reading and Stoke striker Dave Kitson has revealed he was 'The Secret Footballer,' who wrote five books and had a weekly newspaper column during the 2010s.

🕊️ Rough old week for Olympic skier Lindsey Vonn. One day after she was airlifted off the mountain following a crash, her dog died.

💰 We’re hearing unsubstantiated rumours that Wayne Hennessey is now a crypto billionaire. If you know have any info on this, let us know at [email protected].

🔑 Get The Upshot ad-free twice a week when you upgrade to Upshot Gold.

AND FINALLY…

🐶 His bark is worse than his frostbite

A dog invaded a cross country skiing race at the Winter Olympics this week.

Which reminded us of the time a husky ran down the track at the 2022 Alpine Ski World Cup: