FOOTBALL

🏝️ Holiday from Haal

Like the nesting of the great booted eagle and the unmistakable cry of sunburnt English blokes ordering £5 fry ups, the arrival of Erling Haaland signals the beginning of summer in Marbella.

Every year, the Norwegian striker descends on the resort’s godawful beach clubs, flaunting his summer plumage of hideous Versace pyjama sets.

This year he’s been DJing at the Playa Padre nightclub, although DJing might be a slightly generous term - he twiddled a few knobs and threw his arms around like an overexcited great Dane puppy.

But Erling’s festive spirit was shattered when a platoon of 200 armed police stormed the club and demanded to see everyone’s - including his - ID.

It was apparently part of a crackdown on narco gangs, after a string of gun crimes in the resort in the past few months…

FOOTBALL

🤤 Oh, Basti!

While England fans force down ITV’s slop, over on German telly Bastian Schweinsteiger is serving up a performance worthy of a pantomime dame.

After Germany’s draw with Poland, the legendary midfielder came on to the field clutching a coffee and a microphone, and proceeded to talk into the coffee cup until the presenter pointed out his error.

But it’s not all slapstick. Schweinsteiger has been channelling a Boris Becker vibe, dropping innuendos and casting his thirsty gaze at the current Mrs Cristiano Ronaldo, Georgina Rodriguez.

During a segment on Ronaldo’s family, Schweinsteiger was caught leering at Georgina’s legs, leaving his co-presenter to scold him: “Oh Basti!”

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FOOTBALL

👙 Easy Teiger

In fairness to Bastian Schweinsteiger, he’s never shied away from breaking taboos in the workplace.

Back in 2003, the 18-year-old midfielder broke into the Bayern training ground in the middle of the night, and was caught “having fun with a young lady” in the jacuzzi.

When security demanded an explanation, Basti had a simple reply: “She’s my cousin”.

OLYMPICS

💩 The French are revolting

Emmanuel Macron has his hands full with the upcoming elections, but there’s an even bigger issue clogging up his in-tray: mounting public pressure for him to take a bath in human sewage.

The French President promised the River Seine would be clean enough for the Olympic open water swimming and triathlon, and he even pledged to swim in it before the Games to prove it.

But with 27 days to go, time is running out. Despite spunking £1.2billion to clean the river, it’s still riddled with “fecal bacteria including E-coli”.

And it gets worse for Macron - Parisians are fuming at the cost of the clean-up, and are threatening to protest by pooing in the river en masse just as he enters the water.

Merde!

FOOTBALL

🏆 Pint to prove

It’s been a big week for whistleblowers, but while Julian Assange wolfs down burgers on Bondi Beach, spare a thought for Football Leaks founder Rui Pinto.

The Portuguese hacker popped up this week threatening to publish evidence proving Man City’s “criminality”, which is brave considering what happened last time he leaked private emails.

After exposing dodgy transfer dealings and revealing Cristiano Ronaldo paid hush money to silence a rape allegation, Rui expected a hero’s welcome from the police.

Instead, he was convicted for hacking, and forced into a witness protection programme. But on the plus side, he was named joint winner of the 2019 European Whistleblower Award.

Sure, he's had to undergo 13 sittings for facial reconstruction surgery, and he's now confined to a paranoid existence under an assumed identity in a non-descript bedsit on the outskirts of Nogueira da Regedoura.

But at least he can draw comfort from the Golden Whistle he keeps in a shoebox buried at the end of the garden.

They'll never take that from him!

💉 Quick hits

🏜️ England’s group equalled the record for fewest goals (7) in Euros history.

🤑 Penny-pinching Man United owner Jim Ratcliffe is considering selling the naming rights to Old Trafford.

🔐 Baseball player Jhostynxon Garcia is called "the password” by fans.

🐽 Bastian Schweinsteiger’s surname means “pig climber” in German.

🟨 Slovenia finished behind Denmark in Group C because of a yellow card shown to their assistant coach. They were level on all the other measures.

👫 After they signed Douglas Luiz from Aston Villa, Juventus have also bought his girlfriend Alisha Lehmann.

🔑 You can get The Upshot three times a week when you sign up for Upshot Gold

AND FINALLY

🥸 Costa copy

Brazil and Costa Rica’s managers side by side.

That's it for today. Thanks to Dan.

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