FOOTBALL

🩲 Palmed off

Thomas Tuchel has packed his leather speedos, Jordan Henderson has practiced his card tricks, and Anthony Gordon has retaken his cycling proficiency test. The England squad has landed in Florida for World Cup training.

But one man who won’t be straddling an inflatable unicorn this summer is Cole Palmer, who Tuchel felt - according to the Guardian - lacked “the personality for a camp that could last seven weeks.”

Personally, we’d have charged up the iPad, packed some jam sandwiches and promised to take him to Trampoline World if he behaved nicely.

Instead, Cole’s having to make do with Wayne Lineker’s ‘orrible beach club.

RUGBY

💸 Lawrence of Arrearsia

One man who never struggled to keep himself entertained on tour is retired England rugby star Lawrence Dallaglio.

Lozza was forced to give up the captaincy in 1999, after he accidentally told an under-cover journalist about his penchant for cocaine, sex workers and orgies with teammates.

He’s older, wiser and more bankrupt now, but that hasn’t stopped him spending thousands of pounds a month on his “lavish lifestyle” without settling any of his debts.

According to High Court documents, he spunked “everything he earned” between August and January – around £200,000 – without setting any aside to pay tax or maintenance to his ex-wife.

Instead, he spent £1,000 a month on clothing and footwear, £500 a month on alcohol and £800 on groceries.

To be fair, that’s all small beer compared to the £10,000 bill he racked up at a Holborn brothel which was busted selling cocaine in 2020.

FOOTBALL

🥳 Jong pretenders

Ask anyone in the Democratic People's Republic of Korea, and they’ll tell you Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un is an absolute pussycat.

Sure, he spent Wednesday afternoon touring a chilling new uranium enrichment plant and threatening to bolster North Korea’s nuclear forces at an “exponential rate”.

But he also took the time to personally congratulate the country's U-17 women's football team on Monday, following their heroics in the Asian Cup.

Naegohyang Women's FC were also there, and it’s safe to say they were EXTREMELY excited.

FOOTBALL

💦 Today I feel thirsty

Speaking of maniacal tyrants distrusted by the West, Gianni Infantino is facing criticism from health experts this week, after announcing a brand new World Cup money-grab.

The FIFA president has banned reusable bottles from all of the tournament’s stadiums, meaning fans will have to buy water inside or else face melting in the Miami sun.

And if you’re wondering whether FIFA will relax the rules for disabled fans, we wouldn’t count on it.

Gianni’s lawyers just issued a 9-page cease and desist letter to a spinal injury charity, who were hoping to raise some much-needed funds by raffling off two tickets to New Zealand v Egypt…

TENNIS

 👊 Friend or foe?

It looked like the stars were aligning for Frances Tiafoe at this year’s French Open.

Carlos Alcaraz is absent, Jannik Sinner and Novak Djokovic were out early, and all that stood between him and the quarterfinals was an injured Matteo Arnaldi.

Then Frances tried to fist bump a child mascot, got left hanging, and lost in five sets a few hours later.

💉 Quick hits

👹 Kim Jong-Un supports Man United.

🦅 Crystal Palace (12) have more players going to the World Cup than Real Madrid (10).

🥈 Arsenal have played the most Champions League games (226) without winning the tournament.

😬 According to Opta, England’s most likely route to the World Cup final includes knockout ties against Mexico (at the Azteca), Brazil, Argentina and Spain.

🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿 Che Adams’ full name is “Che Sac Everton Fred Adams”.

🎨 An artist is suing FIFA for $25 million, accusing them of painting over his mural of a whale in downtown Dallas.

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AND FINALLY…

🐐 The men who leer at goats

If you thought the title celebrations in North London were a bit much, you can count your lucky stars you weren’t in Malawi.

This man was arrested 48 hours after Arsenal lifted the Prem trophy at Selhurst Park.