FOOTBALL

⚖️ Free the Towyn One

First they came for the sub-postmasters, and we said nothing.

But as the crooked British justice system sinks its fangs into Upshot Favourite Claire Foden, we can stay silent no longer.

The Man City midfielder’s mum was hauled in front of a judge this week, charged with “assault by beating” after a “vodka and tequila-fuelled girls’ night out” in Towyn, north Wales.

The crime? Flicking a man’s hat off his head, something she described in court as “my party trick”.

The tame gag got her booted out of Sunny’s Sports Bar, and she was then arrested after telling to police “fuck off” when they spotted her “stumbling with her speech slurred and her eyes glazed”.

Claire later explained: “I do not drink often but when I do, I make up for time. I am like an animal. I kicked off with the police officers. I was a bit of a bitch.”

Fortunately, the judge acquitted her of assault, but when a Man City matriarch can’t do her party trick on the sticky carpets of Sunny’s Sports Bar without being plunged into a Kafkaesque nightmare, something is rotten in the state of Britain.

She was still convicted of being drunk and disorderly, which is probably fair enough…

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FOOTBALL

🐕 It’s Nun of your business what I get up to behind closed doors

If North Wales police fancy stopping some truly heinous crimes, they should head across the border and prise Nuno Tavares’s tongue out of his Pitbull Terrier’s mouth.

The Forest left-back hasn’t had much game time since leaving Arsenal on loan, but he’s managed to claw back the limelight with some horrid clips showing him french kissing his dogs, including a three-way snog.

With Tavares due to return to the Emirates in May, it’ll be a nervy six months for Win, the labrador Mikel Arteta bought for Arsenal’s training ground…

FOOTBALL

💰 You literally can’t Lews

It was the mystery the FBI just couldn’t crack: how in the name of baloney were a bunch of average Joes striking mind-boggling deals to make millions on the stock market?

But when a pilot called Bryan from Shrewsbury and the 29-year-old former Miss US Virgin Islands both threw their life savings into an obscure American bioscience firm, they put two and two together.

The pair were employees and “romantic interests” (guess which was which) of 86-year-old billionaire Spurs owner Joe Lewis, a man with the unmistakable leathery hue of a Bahamas tax exile.

It turned out Joe had been feeding his pilot insider tips on the markets instead of giving him a proper pension. And as for Miss US Virgin Islands, we probably don’t need to explain that one…

FOOTBALL

👶 Where there’s a will there’s a way

Like Boris Johnson and Scrooge McDuck, Pele always refused to say how many kids he had.

And a year on from the Brazil legend’s death, his profligate attitude to seed sewing is causing a few headaches.

A 60-year-old woman from Piaui in northern Brazil is demanding the striker’s body is dug up for a DNA test, claiming she’s the secret lovechild from his fling with her mother during the freewheeling sexual revolution of the early 60s.

A test she did with his other kids came back negative so we don’t rate her chances, but she can at least draw hope from the tale of Diego Maradona Jr, who was finally recognised by the Argentine legend in 2007.

And after that, who knows what might happen.

Two years after being accepted, Diego Jr (sort of) emulated his father’s great triumph as he led Napoli to their first ever Italian Beach Soccer Championship.

Apparently it’s known as the Scudetto of the sand.

AMERICAN FOOTBALL

🔥 The last Buffalo

It’s bloody freezing near the Canadian border, and you know what that means? It’s body slam through flaming table time!

Unfortunately the impact didn’t extinguish the flames, and soon the Buffalo Bills fan was flapping and writhing around in the ice in a desperate bid to salvage his scorched arse.

AND FINALLY

🏳️ Kraven Kottage

Not sure Fulham thought through the flag display before their Carabao Cup semi-final on Wednesday night…

That's it for today. Thanks to David, JW and Kevin.