FOOTBALL

🎨 Dutch auction

Aside from his frankly insane spell managing Barnet, Edgar Davids always seemed like one of football’s coolest customers.

And it turns out his nonchalant approach extends to break ups.

After splitting up with his ex, Nabila Habiby, in 2014, Edgar responded by handing her the keys to his North London mansion, and entrusting her to look after his £188k contemporary art collection.

It was all very mature, although it did sliiiightly backfire when his Nabila pawned his entire stash of paintings and made off with the cash.

Edgar was none the wiser, until he got a message on Instagram recently from a bloke in Hong Kong, who’d bought one of the paintings and found an inscription to Davids from the artist on the back.

Nabila was on trial for fraud last week… Probably still on Edgar’s Christmas card list though.

FOOTBALL

🤬 You said you loved me Rory

The Ryder Cup is a week away, and Europe’s travelling underdogs are already having nightmares about the vicious heckles from the American crowd.

Fortunately, Rory McIlroy has come up with an ingenious way to prepare for the rowdy Yanks: getting his team to call him a “little weasel faced arse” while he putts.

Europe’s talisman revealed this week he is practicing using a VR headset which even recreates abusive fans.

"You can get them to say whatever you want them to say,” he explained with masochistic delight. “You can go as close to the bone as you like."

Rory wouldn’t say what abuse he had his AI tormentors dishing out but presumably it goes beyond the usual “choking little twat” stuff.

If he wants to be totally prepared, then why not have his ex-girlfriend Caroline Wozniacki sobbing through his first tee shot?

RUGBY

🫨 Pumping iron

As 20-year-old flanker Reuben Logan headed for his first gym session at Northampton Saints, he was braced for an absolute beasting.

But while the leg presses were tough and the game of soggy biscuit could’ve gone better, a worse test awaited him: listening to his dad talk about rogering his mother.

His new teammates welcomed Reuben - son of Match of the Day presenter Gabby Logan - by blasting his parents’ podcast, which included a long chat about their sex life.

Still, there was the odd fitness tip. His dad Kenny talked about the penis pump he uses to throb up his erections.

E-SPORTS?

🖥️ Three lines on the sheet

Las Vegas normally plays host to Floyd Mayweather title fights or 600 night runs of Britney Spears chained to a stage singing Hit Me Baby One More Time.

But there’s a new blockbuster rolling into town later this year: the Microsoft Excel World Championships.

The annual tournament sees the globe’s premier spreadsheet gurus battle it out against the clock to decide who is the king of the VLOOKUP.

As the tournament approaches, Vegas cops are on high alert for hordes of drunken accountants decked out in the ties of their heroes, and fans wielding “Satya Nadella, can I have your mousemat?” signs.

Scunthorpe stockbroker Ha Dang is flying the flag for Britain in the final, after lifting the belt in the national championships recently.

And we’re glad to report, the championships have an EXCELLENT theme song…

FOOTBALL

🥵 EasySweat

When you sign for Monaco, you picture yourself swanning round the Med on some grotesque oligarch’s super yacht, hobnobbing with Naomi Campbell about the blockchain.

But the reality was different for Paul Pogba and co, as they were forced to strip down to their pants when the air conditioning failed on their flight to Belgium to play Club Brugge in the Champions League.

💉 Quick hits

🤑 Wondering why United haven’t sacked Ruben Amorim? His contract includes a £12 million payout if he’s fired before 1st November.

🏌️ It’s career number six for Brookyln Beckham, who will represent Europe in a celebrity Ryder Cup match.

🤝 Chris Wilder has been fired and hired again by Sheffield United since Aston Villa last scored in the Premier League.

🔑 Get The Upshot ad-free twice a week when you upgrade to Upshot Gold.

AND FINALLY…

🏃 How did your 1500m final go?