FOOTBALL

🚢 #OpenToWork

The year is 1912. Herbert Henry Asquith is in No 10, the Titanic is the hottest ticket in town, and the invention of the bra is still a whole year away.

Chelsea’s manager is David Calderhead, and the Blues won’t have another one as empirically shit until Liam Rosenior takes charge in 114 years’ time.

Poor old Liam got the boot on Wednesday night (2026), after becoming the first Chelsea boss since Calderhead to oversee five consecutive league defeats without scoring.

His side were outrun in terms of distance covered in Brighton, as they have been in every single Premier League match this season, stretching back to Enzo Maresca’s time in charge.

On the bright side for the club, they have finally got to the bottom of who’s been leaking their team news. It’s………… Marc Cucurella’s barber.

FOOTBALL

🤔 Grok bottom

When we heard Southampton had appointed Matt Le Tissier in a new advisory role, four years after he stepped back from the club due to his views on vaccines and the war in Ukraine, we thought he might have finally got his act together.

Then we checked his Twitter, and realised he’s been arguing with a robot about chemtrails.

FOOTBALL

🎤 Tonight Matthew, I’m going to be a strangled cat

Chelsea aren’t the only ones on a bad run of form.

Newcastle’s £69m summer signing Nick Woltemade hasn’t scored since December, possibly because he’s been spending too long down at Cosy Joe’s karaoke bar.

The striker appeared on a German TV show this week, belting out Sia’s 2014 ballad Chandelier in front of an esteemed vocal coach.

We’re not sure why Woltemade was on the show, but the coach certainly had his work cut out for him. Nick’s voice is - to be absolutely fair to him - diabolical.

FOOTBALL

👨‍⚖ The Brum Diaries

Farewell then, Karren Brady, who left West Ham this week after 16 years as vice-chair.

The Baroness has had a long old career in football, starting at the tender age of 23, when David Sullivan made her Managing Director of Birmingham City.

Not everyone was impressed by Kazza’s appointment, and she had to put up with a fair amount of sexism. Fortunately, she was pretty good at dealing with it.

Like on her first match day, when she met the squad and one of the players said, "I can see your tits in that top." Calmly, she responded:

She flogged the player on the transfer market shortly afterwards.

Fortunately, not every Birmingham City star was quite so lewd. Karren hit if off with Canadian striker Paul Peschisolido, and they eventually got married and had two kids.

That didn’t stop her selling him as well though. Twice.

TENNIS

💣 Two from the top and one from the bottom please Carol

You’ve got to be a pretty diehard tennis nerd to tune into the practice sessions for the Stuttgart Open. But every now and then, that dedication pays off.

Like last week, when the tournament live streamed a warm-up rally between Alex Eala and Iga Swiatek, unbeknown to the British camera crew present.

Two blokes were setting things up in the commentary box, when they were caught on a hot mic having an enlightening conversation about the colourful sex life of former Countdown presenter Carol Vorderman:

💉 Quick hits

👔 Chelsea have now had ten different managers in ten years, excluding interims.

🎨 David Sullivan used to have a life-size nudey portrait Karren Brady hung in his seedy basement office.

🥈 Since their “Invincibles” season in 03-04, Arsenal have spent 973 days at the top of the Premier League table without winning a title.

📉 Leicester’s relegation to League One means they’ll be playing in the third tier for only the second time in their 142-year history.

🔑 Get The Upshot ad-free twice a week when you upgrade to Upshot Gold.

AND FINALLY…

💆 How did conceding an injury-time equaliser to Brighton make you feel?

Spurs are currently looking for a first team psychologist. Might be a little late…