FOOTBALL

⚔️ Marc my words

Barely a week goes by without Cameroon’s FA chief Samuel Eto’o getting tangled up in another scandal.

You might recall the former Barca striker kneeing a cameraman in the face at the Qatar World Cup, or the time he told his former deputy:

Despite all that, Belgian gaffer Marc Brys agreed to take charge of the national team last month, a move that enraged Eto’o, who wanted a more glamorous name for the role.

The first face to face meeting between the pair ended in predictable drama as they squared up in front of the press, and Marc stormed out before discovering he’d been sacked.

He was reappointed 48 hours later, but when he arrived at the team hotel to meet his players, Brys was met by a surprise welcome party: another entire set of coaching staff who claimed they’d been appointed by Eto’o.

After an awkward showdown in the lobby, hotel employees booted Eto’o’s team out, and Brys settled down to prepare the next day’s training session.

But the following morning, when he popped down to collect his trusty cones from the basement, Brys realised the team’s entire set of training gear, including kits and balls, had been removed overnight.

He sent his assistant coach to a nearby shopping centre to buy some balls, before discovering the team’s bus to training was also missing - somebody had phoned up and cancelled it.

The man behind that call? Samuel Eto’o.

FOOTBALL

🕵️‍♂️ Pontus pirate

It was the case Swedish police couldn’t crack: how did a gang of Malmo’s most vicious ultras find the hotel of their hated rivals, and wreak havoc on the eve of their league decider?

For the local police chief, that question became an obsession. He’d study his pinboard at night with a glass of Aquavit, slipping a fresh Snus on his gum as the 2am sunrise crept through the curtains.

Then, one day, there was a lead. 14 Malmo ultras were arrested for rioting and robbery in Stockholm.

On their phones, police found a WhatsApp group. And who was the Mr Big pulling the strings? None other than former Brentford and Leeds defender Pontus Jansson.

Now playing for Malmo, Jansson has been secretly helping the team’s most violent fans to attack their rivals by passing them inside information.

Jansson insists he was simply “strengthening support for the team”, but he’s now been suspended.

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FOOTBALL

⏱️ Making Emil of it

You’d be forgiven for forgetting the one minute Emilio Nsue played for Spain at the U21 Euros back in 2011. But that 60 second cameo has cost him everything.

Nsue - top scorer at this year’s AFCON for Equatorial Guinea - has just been told by FIFA that his stoppage time appearance against the Czech Republic 13 years ago means his entire senior international career is void.

He’s been playing for the Equatorial Guinea for the past 11 years, leading them in three AFCONs, and becoming their all time top goalscorer.

FIFA can’t do much about the past decade, but they have voided the country’s past two results in World Cup qualifying - both 1-0 wins thanks to goals from Nsue.

BASEBALL

🎞️ Fourth base

So it looks like Shohei Ohtani is finally out of the woods.

American prosecutors suspected the Japanese baseball star of funnelling cash into an illegal betting syndicate, but his translator has taken the rap - admitting he stole $17m from his boss to fund a gambling addiction.

In fairness to the translator, he’s not the only figure in Japanese baseball with an unhealthy habit.

Legendary Yankees outfielder Hideki Matsui was dubbed “a horny guy” by Japanese journalists after revealing he owned one of the world’s largest collections of pornography, a stash rumoured to number 55,000 videos.

At his first press event in the States, Matsui brought gifts for the journalists. But after running out of origami swans and bonsai trees, he announced in broken English: "Sorry, I'll get porn for the rest of you."

CRICKET

☄️ Steyn on your record

Dale Steyn is one of the most feared fast bowlers of the modern era.

But when he rocked up to a hastily erected net to promote the Cricket World Cup in New York City, the promo guy took him for a regular schmuck.

After telling him “don’t bend your elbow” and “if you want you can do a little skip”, the stunned Yank watched as the Saffer skittled the stumps.

AND FINALLY

💇‍♂️ Mullet over

Upshot favourite Nicklas Bendtner unveils a bold new hairstyle.

He looks like the cowardly lion from Wizard of Oz…

That's it for today. Thanks to Oskar, Sammy and Rowsh.