FOOTBALL

️‍🦅 The Italian knob

Juan Bernabe, Lazio’s muscly eagle-handling mascot, spends his Saturdays strutting around the Stadio Olimpico spouting fascist slogans with an apex predator on his arm.

With a gig like that, you might wonder if he’s compensating for something. And it turns out he is!

This week, Juan was fired by the club for posting pics of his erect knob online, after undergoing “penile prosthesis” surgery.

He explained:

A jubilant Juan hailed the “wonderful operation” from his hospital bed, before uploading the extremely NSFW pics of his brand new erection to the Instagram account he shares with his pet eagle.

Sadly Lazio weren’t so impressed, and they sacked him with immediate effect.

But Juan’s has now barricaded himself in the club's training ground and is refusing to leave until he’s forgiven.

Only in Serie A…

FOOTBALL

🪖 For me, Czechoslovakia hadn’t done anything wrong

“It could have gone either way, but it was unbelievable the way they took chances and come out on top.”

If you flicked on Talksport last Monday and heard that insightful analysis from Ray Parlour, you might have thought he was chewing over a close-fought FA Cup tie.

In fact, Ray and co-host Alan Brazil were discussing World War II like the Allies had just edged the Nazis out 2-1.

“Winning the war was unbelievable, wasn’t it?”, Parlour began, before branding Winston Churchill “blasé,” as if he was Dimitar Berbatov controlling a high ball.

Ray stopped short of praising the Luftwaffe for being “dangerous in the air”.

And at the end of the day, he’s not the only pundit who struggles to speak without footballing terms.

Back in 2022, when footage emerged of West Ham’s Kurt Zouma slapping his cat, Graeme Souness mused: “For me, looking at that video, that cat hadn’t done anything wrong.”

The Sleep App That Forbes Rated 5 Stars 😱

The app Forbes said helps "users achieve high-quality sleep by creating and maintaining effective sleep routines” is back with new sounds and features!

Now featuring over 300 unique sounds to fall asleep to, a personalized sleep tracker and more. It’s no wonder over 65 million people have downloaded this app for better sleep.

Try it tonight 👇

Get BetterSleep!

AUSSIE RULES

🍆 We wanted brand exposure, not gland exposure

When healthcare firm Bupa inked a 7-figure sponsorship deal with Carlton FC, their top execs were looking forward to the cushy corporate box laid on by the club’s eccentric president, Luke Sayers.

But Luke might have sliiightly overreached on the hospitality when he his account tweeted a picture of his a knob and tagged one of Bupa’s high-ranking female employees.

It was up for 12 minutes before Luke deleted it and fired out another tweet, insisting - you guessed it - he’d been hacked…

To make matters worse, he was on a skiing holiday with his wife and four daughters at the time.

TENNIS

😘 Destanee awaits

The boozy crowds at the Australian Open can have a strange effect on players.

Just take American star Danielle Collins, who took exception to onlookers cheering on her opponent, homegrown hopeful Destanee Aiava, and responded by taunting them with sarcastic kisses and an arse-slap.

As boos echoed round the court, Collins doubled-down in her post-match interview, gloating about her “big, fat, 180k paycheque”:

Her opponent had a more succinct take on the day’s events…

Here’s Why Over 4 Million Professionals Read Morning Brew

• Business news explained in plain English

• Straight facts, zero fluff, & plenty of puns

• 100% free

See for yourself

RUGBY

🇮🇪 Show your wife how you won medals down in Auckland

It’s Joe Biden’s last weekend in power, so in case the doddery president is having trouble remembering his highlights, here’s our favourite moment from his term.

A couple of years ago, Sleepy Joe visited Ireland during a turbulent period where tensions over post-Brexit trade rules were running high.

The situation called for delicate diplomacy, and who better to deliver that than the leader of the free world?

When it was time for his speech, Biden had the perfect anecdote to unite the entire island: his (fifth) cousin, rugby star Rob Kearney, playing for Ireland in a famous triumph over All Blacks in Chicago.

Unfortunately, Joe fluffed his lines, confusing the All Blacks with the Black and Tans, an infamous British military police unit and subject of IRA anthem "Come out ye black and tans".

"He was a hell of a rugby player, and he beat those Black and Tans," Biden purred, before punching the air and letting out a little "oh gad".

AND FINALLY…

 🍆 Say what?

Someone’s taken the liberty of updating Luke Sayers’ Wiki page.