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May 01, 2023

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You wanted more, so here they are - a further eight classic stories from the archive.

💬 Quote of the day

❝

Here in England the parties are always just alcohol, not food - I don't understand why.

Pep Guardiola.

FOOTBALL

😈 Erling the Baastard

Another contribution to the growing body of evidence that Erling Haaland is a complete bastard.

According to Gibraltar's Reece Styche, Haaland refused to swap shirts with their captain, Roy Chipolina after their tie with Norway:

After they'd both done TV interviews, Roy said to him: 'My little boy's a massive fan of yours, do you mind swapping jerseys?'

Haaland just looked at him, laughed and walked off! He can buy a lot of things - but he can't buy class - perhaps the media hype has gone to his head.

Real villain move, love it.

ESPORTS

🎮 I spent most of my money on Red Bull, Domino's Pizza and custom in-game dances. The rest I just squandered.

A professional video gamer has been forced to retire because he developed Type-2 diabetes and and a wrist injury at the age of 23.

Chinese eSports star Jian Zihao, who is known as Uzi, said he was quitting League of Legends because the gamer's lifestyle had caught up with him. The news was the leading story on Weibo, China's version of Twitter.

He said: "Because of chronic stress, obesity, irregular diet, staying up late and other reasons, I was found to have Type-2 diabetes during a physical examination last year."

Next time someone calls it "eSports", picture poor Jian Zihao, guzzling Monster energy drinks and splurging his sponsorship cash on 4am Domino's pizzas like a Gen Z George Best.

FOOTBALL

🏠 King of Suburbia

If you saw Fever Pitch, the BBC’s excellent documentary about the early years of the Premier League, you will no doubt have enjoyed Eric Cantona’s sulky charisma all over again.

But as the United captain faced the press following his 1995 kung fu kick on a fan, we couldn’t help wondering why he has the house and car of a retired high street solicitor.

The bloke was captaining Man United and earning £10k a week (a million a year in today’s money), yet he appears to be have rented a two up, two down in a sleepy cul-de-sac on the set of Brookside.

Half expected his wife to lean out the window and scream “Eric, ya tea’ll get cold.”

Great fleece though.

FASHION

🧶 The 'Cantona radioactive insects fleece' award for the best dressed

Inspired by Cantona's fleece, we created an annual award for the sportsperson who most aggressively pushed the boundaries of taste.

In second place for the 2021 title, the greatest F1 driver of all time, a bloke whose style is best summarised as "do whatever it takes for the girls in the year above to notice you". Mr Lewis Hamilton...

But Hamilton's seemingly random plundering of fancy dress boxes was upstaged by the carefully curated haute couture sported by Everton striker Dominic Calvert-Lewin.

Dom treated us to some fascinating styles this season including a Colonel Gaddafi inspired beret/coat ensemble and what appeared to be the girls' uniform from the local grammar school.

We have a feeling this won't be the last time he wins this award.

FOOTBALL

🔫 It's Bin a while

After we mentioned Bin Laden supporting Arsenal, we received this astonishing letter from a Shotter named Alistair:

I sat behind Bin Laden in the Clock End at Highbury at the match vs Liverpool on March 26th 1994, the week before the Torino game you mention.

It was only after he emerged as leader of Al-Qaeda and it was revealed that he had been in London in 1994 that I realised who he was, but he was pretty damn unmistakable. Very tall, beard, limped, and like a true Arsenal fan, he left early.

Years later, when the news got out that the man behind 9/11 was a Gooner, Arsenal banned him from the ground. In your face, international terrorism!

Safe to say that's the best letter we've ever had. If you've got a good story about seeing a famous person at a game, please do hit reply and tell us.

CYCLING

🔪 I'll skin ya ass raw

If you’ve ever tried to shag twice in a night in your thirties, you'll know mental motivation is just as important as physical conditioning.

So perhaps Colombian rider Egan Bernal should be grateful to the two fans who chased him with a chainsaw as he headed for victory in Stage 16 of the Giro D'Italia.

When you've spent two hours ascending an ice cold mountain in the rain, maybe a bit of mortal terror is what you need to press on to victory.

Personally prefer an Australian in lycra telling me to "feel the pain and do it anyway", but whatever works for you.

FORMULA 1

🌹 The Ros that grew from tarmac

Wise words from climate activist Nico Rosberg, who you may remember from his previous job as a professional incinerator of petrol.

The former F1 champion is demanding sport thinks harder about its "purpose to mankind", specifically the environment.

He urged football "to put purpose at its core, to use the reach they have to raise awareness for climate change."

The German - pictured above spraying a magnum of champagne - was speaking from his pulpit in Saudi Arabia, that great haven of ethics and clean energy, where he is supporting his team in the Extreme E "climate-aware" series.

💉 Quick hits

🚽 After pooing in the referee's toilet before a game, Robbie Savage was fined a third of what Cantona paid for kung fu kicking the Palace fan.

🍾 Snooker player Alex "Hurricane" Higgins once drank a bottle of aftershave given to him by actor Oliver Reed.

👶 England bowler Steve Harmison was only 40 when he had his first granddaughter.

🏅 During the Olympics, the American media started ordering the medals table by total medals instead of by number of golds so it showed the USA as top. Here's the Washington Post midway through the Games:

AND FINALLY

💃 Dancing Keane

You can't fault the realism of the graphics in the latest Fifa game, but we're not sure they've nailed Roy Keane's personality.

As Sunderland manager, Roy once dropped a player for listening to Abba's Dancing Queen, so he's unlikely to be seen throwing shapes for the fans.

Although if they really wanted to upset him, they could have had him sashaying around like Burnley goalkeeper Nick Pope...

Thanks for reading - look out for The Upshot every Friday at 7.30am.

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