CRICKET

🍆 I thought I asked for a happy ending

There was always something fishy about Shane Warne’s untimely demise in Thailand at the age of 52.

Sure, he lived off lasagne sandwiches and Benson & Hedges Golds, but we’d pictured him firing out thirsty Tinder enquiries well into his 70s.

Now a Thai policeman has finally come up with an explanation that makes sense: Warney shagged himself to death.

The anonymous cop has claimed he was ordered to remove a bottle of a super-strength 'Viagra jelly' - known to have dangerous side effects - from the room where Shane died:

Add to this the “massage girls” seen leaving Shane’s room shortly before his heart attack, and you start to get a pretty clear picture of what happened…

FOOTBALL

💪 Black and blue moon

Like a Great Dane puppy or Lennie from Of Mice and Men, Erling Haaland doesn’t know his own strength.

We’ve talked in the past about him breaking people’s metacarpi with his high fives, and briefly cutting off Jadon Sancho’s air supply while celebrating a penalty.

And the Man City man was almost in hot water earlier this season, after playing too rough with the club’s mascot.

It’s emerged a woman working as “Moonbeam” reported Haaland to the police in October, after he “struck” her on the head while they posed for a photo.

She complained of vomiting and neck pain after the incident, although it sounds like she was out for a quick buck.

An investigation has cleared Erling of any wrongdoing, which will come as a relief to the Norwegian, who’s currently out for seven weeks with an ankle injury.

Plenty of time to grow alfalfa and pet rabbits…

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HORSE RACING

🚗 Return of the Mack

It’s the Grand National on Saturday, and Britain’s most bloodthirsty vets are polishing their bolt guns and wiping down their green tarpaulins.

But for the hardworking stablehands, there’s an even worse hazard than the 5ft high ditch fences: the horse’s giant cocks.

After we told Upshot Gold readers that comedian Lee Mack used to muck out for the legendary thoroughbred Red Rum, loyal Shotter Gary sent in this:

You don’t get that in the Sunday Times’ Letters section.

FOOTBALL

🖋️ Tattoon army

After Newcastle’s Carabao Cup heroics last month, a fan decided to commemorate the triumph with a QR code tattoo, linking to a video of Dan Burn’s winning goal.

And the good people of Twitter swiftly conspired to get the clip removed from YouTube for copyright infringement.

Which means scanning the QR code now takes you to this…

FOOTBALL

🐁 Shat and mouse

Life for a lab mouse is nasty, brutish and short, with twisted scientists inserting vials of smallpox up their rectums and trying to grow human ears on their backs.

But even by those standards, the luckless rodents at Rennes University have it tough.

That’s thanks to physiologist Frédéric Derbré, who’s been transplanting the faeces of elite athletes into mice to see if he can discover the secrets of their performance.

Apparently, he’s found that certain mice were more sensitive to insulin and had increased stores of glycogen after the treatment.

How long til Jake Humphrey adds mainlining Usain Bolt’s shit to his list of World Class Basics?

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AND FINALLY…

🥸 Who’s Hugh?

Easy mistake to make…