FOOTBALL

😈 Sin City

It’s squeaky bum time in the Man City dressing room, as a vengeful Ben Mendy takes the witness stand in his employment tribunal against the club.

After his acquittal last year, Mendy is suing City for £11 million of unpaid wages, arguing he was unfairly singled out in a squad packed with absolute shaggers.

He told the hearing: “Several Manchester City first-team players, including the club captain, were all present at parties that I attended and hosted. We all drank alcohol. We all had casual relations with women.”

The club captain is of course Kyle Walker, but if you’re wondering which other stars Ben threw under the bus, he helpfully named them during his trial last year: Riyad Mahrez, Jack Grealish, Raheem Sterling and John Stones.

Considering Walker’s wife filed for divorce this week, she’s probably already priced it in, and we’re not sure Riyad Mahrez’s wife will pay much attention to Mendy after he invited a pornstar to their family Eid party.

But it’s a real slap in the face for Raheem Sterling, who lent Mendy the money for his legal fees.

FOOTBALL

🧑‍⚖️ Cock of the Walk

Remarkably, there’s more than one judge pondering the consequences of Kyle Walker’s knobbing at the moment.

The 34-year-old has been locked in a bitter legal dispute with his on-off mistress Lauryn Goodman, racking up £1 million in legal fees as they squabble over child support.

The final judgement paints a fairly terrifying picture: Lauryn threatened to move in next door to Kyle’s family until he bought her a £2 million house and some £48k wardrobes.

Walker’s neighbour compared the affair to the film Fatal Attraction, claiming Goodman asked her to lean over the garden fence and record Kyle’s conversations with his wife.

In the end, the judge awarded Lauryn £12,500 per month, plus childcare, housing and other costs, but he turned down her demand for a £32k astroturf football pitch.

You Asked, We Listened

You asked, we listened. Our best-selling boots just got even more comfortable, durable, and better looking. Try them on the job up to 30 days. If you don't love them send em' back.

Discover More Comfort with BRUNT

FOOTBALL

🔫 Fergie’s time

First they came for the club historian, and Alex Ferguson said nothing. Then they came for the free lunchboxes, and still he said nothing.

But now Jim Ratcliffe’s savage cost-cutting regime has come for Sir Alex himself - the legendary United gaffer has been sacked as a club ambassador.

In fairness, he was trousering £2m a year for the gig, which is a lot just to be wheeled out at the AGM and record a Chinese New Year message for the club’s Weibo channel.

In a one-on-one meeting, Jim also banned Fergie from visiting the dressing room after matches, which apparently he took “amicably”.

Unlike Rio Ferdinand, who’s talking like Ratcliffe has tied concrete blocks to his old gaffer’s feet and thrown him off a bridge…

FOOTBALL

🗞️ A Tuch hysterical

If you think the Daily Mail’s reaction to Thomas Tuchel’s appointment was mental, here’s how they greeted Sven-Goran Eriksson in 2000:

Seeking impartial news? Meet 1440.

Every day, 3.5 million readers turn to 1440 for their factual news. We sift through 100+ sources to bring you a complete summary of politics, global events, business, and culture, all in a brief 5-minute email. Enjoy an impartial news experience.

Join for free today!

CONKERS

🌰 Bad luck comes in trees

The leaves are turning brown. Starbucks are shoving their horrible pumpkin spiced latte down our throats. And, of course, the World Conker Championships are back.

But spectators were choking on their toffee apples this week when the noble event was rocked by a sickening cheating scandal.

The villain? 82-year-old David Jakins (pictured above), who finally sealed his maiden victory in the men’s tournament, having competed every year since 1977.

But after seeing his conker “disintegrated” by Jakins in one hit, vanquished finalist Alastair Johnson-Ferguson called foul play. Jakins was searched, and a steel conker was found in his pocket.

The flustered octogenarian insisted: “I only carry it around with me for humour value and I did not use it during the event.”

The investigation continues.

💉 Quick hits

💸 Man United are already spunking the Fergie savings - they’ve spent £200,000 on a new wall at the training ground to stop their opponents spying on training sessions.

🎙️ In fairness, a bugging device was found in the Man United dressing room at Villa Park last week, although apparently it belonged to a tedious YouTube prankster.

🧑‍⚖️ Kyle Walker’s child support hearing began two days after England’s defeat in the Euros final. Lauryn’s lawyers argued it should start the day after.

⛪ Former Inter Milan (and Plymouth) defender Taribo West is now a church pastor.

👬 Robbie Keane is cousins with Morrissey.

AND FINALLY

⌚ Emegha acid

Emanuel Emegha bollocks his family after they turned up late and missed his goal for the Dutch U21s against Sweden.

That's it for today. Thanks to Jack and Andrew.