FOOTBALL

️‍🍓 Jammy git

So the cava’s back in the cellar at Casa De Bellingham: Jude has been pipped to the title of 2025’s Sexiest Footballer by… er, Cole Palmer.

Admittedly, the vote was staged by a scummy crypto betting site called Slotozilla, but Cole does have a certain boy-next-door charm.

During a recent interview - weirdly staged in a sauna - the Chelsea star was asked what sandwich he would go for in a meal deal.

Without thinking or blinking - not unusual for Cole - he responded “jam.”

Presumably the drink is milky tea and the snack is chippy chips.

FOOTBALL

🛒 Unexpected item in shagging area

As England rugby star Marland Yarde revealed his stalking ordeal at the hands of a Manchester escort this week, we couldn’t help thinking her name sounded familiar.

And we were right! The same escort, Sandra Ntonya, once sold a kiss and tell story to the tabloids about former Man City star, Yaya Toure.

According to Sandra, she met Yaya in a Sainsbury’s car park in Wilmslow, before the lanky midfielder drove her to a country lane for a “nervous” encounter where he repeatedly set off the car alarm with his flailing limbs.

Not content with just one Toure brother, Sandra then flogged a story about Yaya’s brother, Kolo, who she apparently hooked up with in the same Sainsbury’s car park:

It’s far from the funniest story of Kolo’s shagging exploits, though. That accolade belongs to the time he posed as a used car salesman to woo a student he secretly dated for three years.

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AUSSIE RULES

💎 The iceman cometh

As Lent begins, you might be looking for some inspo on giving up Instagram doomscrolling or that 4pm KitKat.

Look no further than former AFL star Ben Cousins, who has officially kicked the crank and bagged himself a plush punditry gig for the new season.

Back in 2005, Ben was named the league’s best player, despite the fact he was doing crystal meth every single day.

Although it sounds like the meth might have helped - he recalled later:

Numerous arrests and suspensions followed, but Ben continued to be a star player on and off in the AFL for years to come.

Including in 2008, when he was allowed to return to the league on the condition he passed a hair sample test.

He did pass, but only after shaving his head and waxing his entire body.

BOXING

🍬 Bonbon viveur

Ben’s not the only one going cold turkey.

Chris Eubank recently revealed he’s stopped “using” sugar, and there’s one vice he misses most: strawberry bonbons.

In fact, the retired boxer is still fuming over a car thief who nabbed a pack of his sweets whilst looting his van a few years ago:

Good advice, especially if that man is a famously erratic former world champ.

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FOOTBALL

🔫 Everybody was Kung Pao fighting

We talked about Gazza’s late career on our podcast this week, and one character just kept cropping up: his best mate Jimmy “Five Bellies” Gardner.

But what became of the man The Independent once described as resembling “a lardy patron of an ‘adult baby’ massage parlour”?

Well, in 1999, JFB had a run in with the law after some local teenagers branded him a “fat bastard”. Here’s how the Daily Mail reported it at the time:

Unfortunately for Jimmy, police foiled his revenge plot when they spotted him marching through Gateshead wielding the shooter, and he was sentenced to six months in HMP Pentonville.

In the end, he only served four weeks and went on to lose 7 stone, leading the tabloids to give him a much kinder moniker in 2012: Jimmy Three Bellies.

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AND FINALLY…

🍸 Goalfinger

Barcelona Sporting Club gaffer Segundo Castillo looking very snazzy on the touchline for his side’s Copa Libertadores victory over Corinthians.

His name literally translates as Second Castle.