FOOTBALL

👬 Dark side of the Roon

From assaulting a cameraman to getting a stadium ban for offensive behaviour at the U20 Women’s World Cup, Samuel Eto’o’s reign as president of Cameroon’s FA has been pure chaos.

And with AFCON kicking off on Sunday, Sammy has delivered more drama by sacking manager Marc Brys on the eve of the tournament and replacing him with David Pagou.

But Brys is refusing to step down, claiming he still has a contract with the Ministry of Sport, and both him and Pagou have announced different squads for the tournament.

It looks like Eto’o and Pagou have won out, because their squad is the one officially listed on FIFA's website.

Which is bad news for veteran striker Vincent Aboubakar, who didn’t make the cut, despite being a few goals shy of Cameroon’s all time goal scoring record.

The current holder? Samuel Eto’o.

CRICKET

🪦 Ashes to ashes

England’s humiliation is almost complete, which heralds the start of another Ashes tour tradition: the recriminations.

But while the press sharpen their knives, in the England camp the blame game has already begun.

Ahead of the third test, the Shot heard the squad had split into two camps, with each barely speaking to the other.

Apparently some of them are confused by captain Ben Stokes’ sudden conversion to tough love and cautious cricket, after three years of telling them “run towards danger” and “good vibes only”.

We don’t have the details of who is a Traitor and who is 100% Faithful, but we did see Jofra Archer getting a taste of the new approach.

As England floundered on Thursday morning, Stokes was caught giving Jofra Archer yet another bollocking:

When Jofra answered back, the skipper told him to “shut the fuck up”.

FOOTBALL

💌 I’ll never let her down

Back in 1995, most kids were writing letters to Michaela Strachan or Otis the Aardvark. But not Wayne Rooney.

This week, Wazza revealed he used to send fan mail to Toffees striker Duncan Ferguson, who was banged up in Barlinnie prison for headbutting John McStay during a match for Rangers:

Very sweet, but not all of Big Dunc’s post was so wholesome. On one occasion, a fan sent him a blow up sex doll.

Ferguson was presumably hoping the sender was a besotted young lady, but in reality the doll came from a bloke who owned a pub back in Scotland.

After the McStay headbutt incident, the landlord had written personally to every police force in Scotland, demanding that Ferguson be prosecuted.

Then he read about how lonely Duncan was in prison, and felt so guilty he sent him the doll for company.

FOOTBALL

🤯 Rift of the Gab

Anyone who’s played a bit of six-a-side on a Tuesday night knows there’s always one bloke that takes things way too seriously, squaring up to the ref and flying in for horror tackles wearing £200 Nike Mercurial Superfly boots.

Well, this week that bloke was Arsenal defender Gabriel Magalhães.

The Gunners star is out injured at the moment, but that didn’t stop him heading down to an astro pitch in Peckham to watch two sets of Botafogo fans have a kick about.

When one of the fans slid in for a meaty challenge, Gabriel lost his head, and sprinted from the touchline to scream at the offending player.

Sounds like he might have spoiled the vibe slightly, because after that the two teams decided to call it a night and go home.

FOOTBALL

🧥 Jacket rotato

Casemiro was very annoyed to be subbed off against Bournemouth on Monday.

So annoyed, in fact, that he didn’t realise he’d put his coat on upside down.

💉 Quick hits

💶 PSG have been ordered to pay Kylian Mbappé £53m in unpaid wages and bonuses.

🍽️ Dani Olmo’s wife has revealed she nearly left him because he eats so noisily.

🚘 Darts star Adam Lipscombe travelled from Portsmouth to Ally Pally in a stretch limo for his World Championship debut.

🏁 F1 driver Kimi Antonelli went go-karting in disguise in Milton Keynes this week. He got two penalties and failed to make the podium.

🏖️ Coach Brendan McCullum booked the England cricket team’s mini-break in Noosa a year ago, but only approached a bowling coach six weeks before the Ashes.

✈️ New darts hero David Munyua had never left Africa before his Ally Pally first round win this week.

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AND FINALLY…

🐀 O Little Toon of Bethlehem