FOOTBALL

👃 Linesman

When a video emerged showing Premier League ref David Coote slagging off Liverpool and calling Jurgen Klopp a “German cunt”, we smelled a sesh.

From Dave’s kamikaze candour to the heavy eyelids of his friend, all signs suggested a big ol’ pile of pub grub cocaine sitting just behind the camera.

And it turns out there was. Two days after Coote’s downfall, another clip surfaced showing him demolishing a line of powder in his hotel room during this summer’s Euros.

His Holiday Inn gak off came a day after working on VAR for a Euro 2024 quarter-final, and UEFA blazers aren’t happy about it.

As for the bastard who leaked the clip, he preached to the tabloids: “My message to David Coote is… there’s help out there.”

And that’s why he sold the video to The Sun!

FOOTBALL

😈 Dishy Des

As the hunt for Gary Lineker’s successor continues, BBC bosses are desperate to avoid another Jermaine Jenas style scandal.

But then again, having a shagger as host is a bit of an MOTD tradition. Just ask Des Lynam.

Back in 1995, the moustachioed frontman was voted the person Britons would most want to live next door - which proved something of an omen when he sparked up an affair with his neighbour in Chiswick.

In a kiss and tell, she revealed: “After midnight on the night of Princess Diana's death, when he had finished presenting Match Of The Day, Lynam just burst through the front door. We went upstairs and he started kissing me.”

She branded Des a “six-times-a-night man” and “very creative in bed", which might explain this article from 1999:

And Rachel Weisz - who is married to Daniel Craig - said: "Des more charismatic than practically any actor I've come across. He's got real movie-star eyes and that slow-burn, smouldering quality."

Are we talking about the same Des Lynam??

The Londoner is a brand new publication dedicated to juicy scoops and satisfying long reads about the biggest stories in the capital, and it’s free to join their mailing list.

Their first investigation has already been mentioned by the Prime Minister.

Sign up here

BOXING

🤳 Mike drop

“You robbed me when I was 8 years old. By the Woolworth's store,” a delighted fan told Mike Tyson ahead of tonight’s freak show fight against Jake Paul.

Considering the crime took place 45 years ago, you might question how this victim knew it was Tyson.

But Mike Tyson was a memorable mugger. He starting dropping acid at 11 and by age 13 he weighed 14 stone and had been arrested 38 times.

On one occasion, an 11-year-old Mike stole a WW1 bayonet from a house, and marauded the streets of Brooklyn terrorising the locals.

And his first taste for violence came at the tender age of 10, when a dustbin man threw away a box containing the corpse of Mike’s beloved pigeon, Julius.

Mike recalls:

You can hear more tales of the scariest man on the planet in our Mike Tyson podcast special.

He got his prison counsellor pregnant, made Brad Pitt beg for his life and introduced the Romanian mafia to cocaine.

BASKETBALL

🪆Kreeping up with the Kardashians

When you get your heart broken, there are a few ways you can go.

You can take the high road, remain friends, maybe grab a coffee once in a while. There’s the nuclear option: burn everything from the Alton Towers ticket stubs to the propagated cheese plant they gave you last Christmas.

Or, like former NBA star Lamar Odom, you can cling on to the last dregs of their memory by driving out to a non-descript warehouse on the outskirts of Las Vegas, and paying a seedy bloke to 3D print a haunting life size replica of your ex.

Lamar broke up with his ex-wife Khloe Kardashian back in 2016, and eight years on he’s clearly adjusted well to life on his own.

Which is why he’s commissioned a $8,000 sex doll of Khloe’s likeness.

A video emerged this week of Lamar cracking open a crate to reveal a mannequin with a passing resemblance to Khloe. He even squeezes the boobs to check they’re an accurate replica.

Definitely over her though…

FOOTBALL

🤝 When you’re done coding the app could you quickly knock up a global brand

Jermaine Defoe asks a lot from his personal assistant…

💉 Quick hits

❤️ Des Lynam had a fling with transgender Bond girl Caroline Cossy aka Tula.

🎆 Claire Foden’s neighbours have slammed her “deplorable antics” after she hosted a two hour firework display in her garden on bonfire night.

📝 During a team talk for Marseille, Roberto De Zerbi projected a picture of his contract offer from Man Utd on to the wall, including his salary.

📉 Bronny James, son of basketball god LeBron James, has been demoted to the LA Lakers feeder team. He’ll also only play home games.

AND FINALLY

👕 My ‘FBI: Female Body Inspector’ top was in the wash

Former Arsenal left-back Nuno Tavares got his first call up from Portugal this week, and he had the perfect outfit to mark this proud occasion.

That's it for today.