FOOTBALL

👨‍👧‍👧 Hugh Defner

Jermaine Defoe’s plans for a Ronaldinho-esque throuple continue apace: the former Spurs striker is moving his two girlfriends into a north London mansion.

A couple of months after shacking up with wedding planner Alisha, Jermaine has invited influencer Paige to join them.

Unclear whether this is a full-on three way relationship or more like former Brazil striker Adriano, who installed two girlfriends in next door hotel rooms without telling them about each other.

If you’re wondering how Jermaine is pulling all this off, look no further than this close-up, where you’ll see a Christian Dior bag, and what looks like an absolute howitzer in his trousers…

FOOTBALL

👓 Giving back to the game I love

It’s getting a bit Lord of the Flies in grassroots football, judging by this report from a referee explaining why he booked three players:

1) “Called me a speccy ginger twat”.

2) “Stole my glasses and tossed them to his teammate”.

3) “Tossed the glasses over my head, and played piggy in the middle for 30 seconds, singing ‘ginger wants his glasses back’.”

He concludes: “It was somewhat hard to restore discipline and respect after this incident”.

FOOTBALL

📹 I recommend an on-pitch review. I also recommend the lobster, it’s divine

While their Sunday league counterparts are tormented by thuggish gobshites, it’s a different story at Stockley Park.

You might picture the FA’s VAR hub as football’s answer to Bletchley Park, a state of the art lab filled with whirring supercomputers and frazzled physicists calculating offside decisions.

But it turns you’re more likely to spot a retired ref getting his bunions nibbled by a tank of fish than a bookish analyst studying the handball laws.

Photos released by the FA show the site kitted out like a five star hotel, with a top of the range gym, massage parlour, table tennis and pool tables, and a plush canteen with views over London.

But considering most of its inhabitants have spent the past two decades being pelted with lighters and bottles of piss, you can forgive them a bit of luxury…

FOOTBALL

😈 Ramos’ revenge

After a decade of torment by his old foe Sergio Ramos, retired Barcelona defender Gerard Pique was hoping the pair could bury the hatchet.

Perhaps they could crack open a bottle of Rioja, nibble on a some Padron peppers and laugh about the time Ramos nearly ended his career with a studs up two footer.

Unfortunately Sergio had other ideas. After learning Pique’s ex-wife Shakira was a shoo-in to win the Latin Grammy for a song insulting her former husband, Ramos sniffed an opportunity to get one over his old foe.

The wily centre-back pulled a few strings and got the gig handing Shakira the award.

RUNNING

⌚ Your Fitbit or your life

When ultramarathon star Tom Evans headed to South Africa for the Cape Town Ultra Trail race, he thought he’d calculated all the risks.

He’d packed his jumbo box of blister plasters, stocked up on Black Mamba antidote serum, and told his mum not to worry about those rare carnivorous bats that target the testicles.

But as Tom soaked in the spectacular views on the final ascent of Table Mountain, he was surprised to be greeted by a pair of knife-wielding bandits on the hunt for a new pair of Asics and one of those Garmin watches that measures your sperm count.

The thieves roughed Evans up and stole his gear, and he’s now pulled out of the race.

AND FINALLY

🧠 Sik of your antics

A lovely goal from Besiktas in Istanbul’s women’s derby with Fenerbahce.

That's it for today. Thanks to Freddie and David.

Still want more?

🎙️ From awkward flirting to rapping about world peace, we dive into the weird world of Erling Haaland on The Upshot podcast.