FOOTBALL

🕊️ ‘Card among the pigeons

Joker. Cruella. Maleficent. If Hollywood script writers have taught us anything, it’s that people have an insatiable appetite for gritty villain origin stories.

Which is great, because it turns out the Upshot’s favourite anti-hero, Mauro Icardi, has a sinister backstory of his own.

Before he was torching his own furniture, stealing his teammate’s wife and being accused of human trafficking, the Galatasaray striker was at Barcelona’s academy, sharing a room with Sergi Gomez.

And, according to Gomez, he had some pretty disturbing habits:

Sergi also added that he’s very fond of Mauro.

Pretty sure that’s called Stockholm syndrome…

FOOTBALL

🛒 Kerry on my wayward sons

“I’ve been settling in nicely since I arrived here,” exclaimed ex-Huddersfield defender Shane Maroodza, as he was unveiled at Kerry FC last week.

Fans probably pictured him hiking the peaks of Killarney National Park, or sipping pints of Guinness at Baily's Corner as an Irish band played a ditty.

They certainly didn’t expect to see Shane, along with fellow new signing Mathyas Randriamamy, pilfering groceries from the shelves of the local SuperValu.

But those are the allegations facing the pair, who were sacked by Kerry via a statement that explained: “their values and principles didn't match the standards of the club".

It probably didn’t help that the supermarket’s owners are one of Kerry’s sponsors…

GOLF

📖 Fergie time

When a new biography promising “extraordinary revelations” about Prince Andrew was announced, the Duke of York was probably sweating buckets quite anxious.

And sure enough, it does include some pretty damning allegations.

But this is the Upshot, so we’re more intrigued by a story about his ex-wife Sarah Ferguson, and her post-divorce dalliance with Tiger Woods.

The book claims she thought the golfer was “gorgeous”, and once decided she would fly 1,500 miles to try and meet him.

Her plan was to “follow him around the course for a bit and see how I get on”, which sounds an awful lot like stalking.

But it turns out Tiger got off lightly: apparently Fergie also had a thing for actor Kevin Costner, and used to “plague” him with “raunchy” phone calls…

CYCLING

🤕 Iraqi races

An eventful finish in the Iraqi Cycling Championships in Erbil this week, when the race leader celebrated sliiiightly too early.

He came off his bike and lost his spot on the podium, before wiping out the poor bloke behind him.

Here it is from another angle:

FOOTBALL

🖋️ Easy Mark

Being a referee seems like a pretty thankless task.

You spend your Saturdays having your eardrums lacerated by Sean Dyche, while 50,000 fans call you a wanker in unison.

But it turns out there are a few perks.

This week, former ref Mark Clattenburg was on the Undr The Cosh podcast, where he revealed that clubs used to shower him with gifts in an attempt to curry his favour:

He was allowed to accept those treats as long as they were under a certain value, but sometimes clubs would go too far:

Mark insists he turned them down…

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AND FINALLY…

🪑 Can’t wait to watch the other team bat