FOOTBALL

💩 Diarrhoea of a CEO

It must be comforting for Liam Rosenior to know that, if when Chelsea give him the boot, he’s already lined up his next career as an insufferable LinkedIn guru.

Asked recently about his managerial philosophy, he went full Jake Humphrey and told an interviewer:

Liam clearly knows you don’t need to say anything insightful or revealing to succeed in the world of high performance: just spout some bullshit you read on BrainyQuote.com.

Unfortunately, no one mentioned that to Zlatan Ibrahimović before he appeared on the Failure of Champions podcast.

Rather than waffling on about his #grindset, Zlatan admitted to host Slaven Bilić that he once shat himself while trying to set a PB on a treadmill:

Bet that was a nightmare to clean up…

FOOTBALL

🎢 Glennesis Inferno

When Rosenior does get the chop, stop number one on his vapid speaking tour will surely be the World Football Summit, an annual conference which brings together a “community of football industry leaders”.

According to the WFS website - which looks like a Steven Bartlett wet dream - the event is “committed to breaking down barriers to ensure football is accessible to everyone.”

Which might be why their latest conference was held in Saudi Arabia - a country with draconian anti-gay laws - and featured panelist Glenn Hoddle, who once said people with disabilities were being punished for sins in a former life.

Glenn was there to drum up interest in his new business, which aims to modernise stadiums by introducing corporate rollercoaster carriages that circle around the stands.

Where did his idea come from?

Surely your eyes are sort of like cameras already?

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FOOTBALL

💰 Rob Mali

From Paul the Octopus to the Asparagus Lady, so-called psychics have catapulted themselves to global stardom with their questionable predictions for international tournaments.

So you can’t blame Malian witch doctor Karamogo Sinayoko for trying his luck by predicting his nation would win this year’s AFCON.

The self-proclaimed prophet claimed God had told him about Mali’s impending triumph, and demanded £30,000 from his neighbours so he could use his “powers” to ensure victory.

They paid up, and when ten-man Mali miraculously pulled off victory in their quarter final against Tunisia, fans were convinced his psychic gifts were genuine.

"The entire neighbourhood came to my house to celebrate me, people from all over the city came to see me," Sinayoko recalled.

But his luck ran out this week as Mali were knocked out by Senegal in the semis, leading hordes of furious Malians to descend on his home hurling rocks and demanding their money back.

“I did my spiritual work, but God did not accept it”, Karamogo professed before he was arrested for fraud.

BASKETBALL

🎬 Lucky Luke

Three years ago, Knicks super fan Luke Manley woke up with a raging hangover, a lot of unread messages, and a powerful sense of dread.

He had a vague memory of watching his side lose a playoff game the night before, and of stumbling out onto the street afterwards and having a microphone thrust in his face.

But why was he feeling so anxious?

Then, suddenly, he remembered with horror what he’d said about Atlanta Hawks star Trae Young:

The clip went super viral, and Luke was expecting a tricky meeting with his HR team and possibly an extremely awkward phone call from his mum.

But instead, he got a message from director and fellow Knicks fan Josh Safdie, who decided to cast Luke in his new film Marty Supreme:

Here’s hoping the England fan who stuck a flare up his arse gets cast in the next Ken Loach.

F1

🥋 You wanna pizzo me?

It’s nice to know that football isn’t the only sport where overbearing parents stand on the sidelines at youth games, hurling abuse and performing acts of wanton violence.

At a recent junior go-karting event in Montgomery County, Texas, retired F1 driver Antonio Pizzonia was arrested for kung-fu kicking a man in the crowd who criticised his son.

He’s since been released from prison…

💉 Quick hits

🐙 Back in 2010, Paul the Octopus was so popular he had his own agent, who managed his massive influx of offers for book deals, toy lines and advertising campaigns.

👶 Mel B used to babysit Micah Richards.

📺 Former West Brom defender Gabriel Tamaș has left his role as sporting director of Romanian side Concordia Chiajna to go on reality TV show Survivor.

👕 Brazilian top flight side Vitoria has a new shirt sponsor: escort agency Skokka.com. The club’s previous sponsors, another escort agency called Fatal Model, will continue to sponsor the women’s team.

🔑 Get The Upshot ad-free twice a week when you upgrade to Upshot Gold.

AND FINALLY…

❄️ Snou Camp

Three short years ago, Gerard Piqué was dating Shakira and spending his free time basking in the Catalan sun.

These days, he owns FC Andorra in the Pyrenees mountains, and this week he had to put out an impassioned plea to locals, urging them to help him shovel snow so a game against Cultural Leonesa could go ahead.