FOOTBALL

🗡️ Ney bother

By all accounts, Renan Lodi is a lovely bloke. The Brazilian left back signed for Al Hilal in January, and quickly cemented himself as the training ground joker: pulling down shorts and glueing Swarowski crystals to the dressing room floor.

So when his illustrious teammate Neymar returned from injury, Renan decided to welcome him back with his trademark playground prank - tying his shoelaces together.

But unfortunately for Renan, after spending the past six months in a gated desert compound with only the Red Bull guzzling teenagers of Fortnite for company, Neymar has sliiightly lost track of social norms.

After spotting Renan’s harmless jape, he reacted like any sane and normal person would: he pulled out a camping knife and slashed the tyres on his car.

FOOTBALL

✊ Yes we Cant

Last week, we joked about journalist Rob Draper, who bizarrely compared Jurgen Klopp to the great Martin Luther King.

It was clearly a ridiculous statement, but we forgot to mention one man in football whose tireless struggle for equality makes him worthy of such a comparison.

That is, of course, former Norwich midfielder Todd Cantwell.

Sure, he didn’t rally a quarter of a million people for a march on Downing Street, or orchestrate a boycott of Norfolk’s bus network, but there is that reel on his Instagram page.

Pinned to the top of Todd’s profile is a slideshow titled “Equality” - a collection of photos of him posing with various black athletes, teammates and friends.

So with racism finally over, and Todd now plying his trade with Rangers, he can get to work ending 400 years of Scottish sectarianism…

GOLF

📃 Ror deal

When you spend enough time hanging out with Tiger Woods, you’re bound to become a little savage in love.

In 2022, Tiger lured his wife Erica to the airport on the pretence of a holiday to the Bahamas, before his lawyers handed her divorce papers on the tarmac.

So when Tiger’s old pal Rory McIlroy filed for divorce a few weeks ago, Woods knew the perfect man to help out - his long serving lawyer Thomas Sasser.

Together with McIlroy, Sasser roped in a local policeman to deliver the annulment papers to the golfer’s wife on the doorstep of their Florida home.

And if that’s not brutal enough, it looks like the notice was written by Hannibal Lecter.

“A phone call will not protect you… You may want to call an attorney right away.”

Learn how to become an “Intelligent Investor.”

Warren Buffett says great investors read 8 hours per day. What if you only have 5 minutes a day? Then, read Value Investor Daily.

Every week, it covers:

• Value stock ideas - today’s biggest value opportunities 📈

• Principles of investing - timeless lessons from top value investors 💰

• Investing resources - investor tools and hidden gems 🔎

You’ll save time and energy and become a smarter investor in just minutes daily–free! 👇

Subscribe now with one click.

FOOTBALL

💰 Hammer blow

This time last year, Lucas Paqueta was looking forward to biryanis on the Curry Mile and 152 days a year of rain as he lined up a £70m move to Man City

But the move fell through amid rumours of a betting scandal, and after another season at West Ham, it looks like the game might be up.

The FA charged Lucas this week after a nine month investigation into suspicious betting patterns, that centred on four yellow cards he received in Premier League games last season.

The bets - which were placed with West Ham’s shirt sponsor Betway - were traced back to the aptly named Paqueta Island off the coast of Brazil, where Paqueta was raised.

If he’s found guilty of rigging the bets, Lucas could be banned from football for 10 years, but in fairness, there are worse places to return home…

FOOTBALL

🥊 City of Cin

It’s been a rocky first season in America for Cincinnati FC forward Aaron Boupendza, who himself in a teensy bit of trouble when a gang of Gabonese blackmailers got hold of his sex tape during a trip to the African nation.

That would be a sticky enough situation at the best of times, but in the god-fearing nation of Gabon, filming porn earns you five years in the slammer.

Fortunately, that all seems to have blown over now, so with Aaron safely back in the Land of the Free, he popped down to his local Italian to unwind with a steaming plate of mama’s Saltimbocca di Pollo alla Romana.

But trouble has a habit of finding Penders, and after one too many limoncellos at the bar, he got in a scrap with a fellow restaurant-goer.

And just Aaron’s luck: that diner happened to be local hardman Quashawn Toler, a welterweight boxer with 17 professional wins to his name.

After gobbling down his last meatball, Quashawn decked Aaron with his feared right hander, breaking his jaw and putting him out for the next eight weeks.

AND FINALLY

🪄 You’re a manager, Vincenzo

That's it for today. Thanks to John.