💬 Quote of the day

"I'm still capable of playing, I've been resting for 3 years now" - Eden Hazard casts a flirtatious glance at the big money Saudi Premier League.

FOOTBALL

🙅‍♂️ Cancelo culture

One of the great mysteries of last season is how Man City’s Joao Cancelo went from one of the Premier League’s biggest stars to warming the bench at Bayern Munich.

“We decided that he had to leave and we didn't care where he was going, even if he wanted to go to United”, Pep Guardiola explained this week.

But what happened? According to the Shot’s sources in Beswick, Cancelo lost the plot after Pep dropped him in early January, angrily hurling a ball at his manager’s face from point blank range.

This led to a training ground scrap with Phil Foden and Ruben Dias, who rushed to Guardiola’s defence.

And the final straw came during the following match. As Pep began his half-time team talk, the disgruntled left-back popped his AirPods in and began loudly blasting music with a smug little grin on his face.

City got rid of him the next day…

FOOTBALL

🇫🇷 Til Deschamps do us part

As Boubacar Kamara slipped into bed on his wedding night, he could look forward to two weeks of sun, sex and room service club sandwiches on his honeymoon.

His marriage consummated, the Aston Villa midfielder was drifting into a deep, satisfied sleep, when he was suddenly woken by a text popping up on his phone.

It was from France manager Didier Deschamps: “Bouba, Adrien Rabiot is injured, can you join the squad this week?”

A patriot and a professional, Kamara answered the call, cancelling his honeymoon to belt out La Marseillaise and help France see off Greece and Gibraltar.

Considering the tame opposition and Boubacar’s immense sacrifice for his side, how many minutes do you think manager Didier Deschamps gave him?

Absolutely none.

FOOTBALL

🥩 Never meat your heroes

As the transfer sharks circle Real Sociedad star Take Kubo, the Spanish side are pulling out all the stops to keep him.

Forget loyalty bonuses and release clauses - Sociedad handed their Player of the Season a basket of high quality steaks.

It’s actually a bit of a club tradition - here’s Martin Odegaard getting a silver hake…

FOOTBALL

🍆 Les have a feel

Paul Gascoigne popped up in the build-up to the England game on Sunday night, regaling Channel 4 viewers with a few memories about Gareth Southgate.

It was slightly more family friendly than his usual Euro 96 anecdotes, like the story about turning Les Ferdinand’s knob into a good luck charm.

The ritual began when Gazza spotted the Spurs striker’s huge package in the dressing room before England’s opener against Switzerland.

Gascoigne recalls: “I went: ‘Les, Les please, please let me have one fucking hold of that thing'. Please, I’ll play well man. So he let me have a hold of it.”

Unfortunately for Les, Gazza played “a blinder”, and soon he was demanding to hold Ferdinand’s knob before every game.

“So you can imagine how Les felt when I scored that goal against Scotland.

“As the tournament went on, it got to the stage where before I went out the dressing room, Les Ferdinand was waiting at the door with his dick out saying ‘hurry up Gazza’.”

BASKETBALL

🍿 Paunches and six packs of beer

Despite its Puritan beginnings, the United States is a nation of colossal perverts, where presidents shag interns and Janet Jackson’s nipple sparks a countrywide debate.

Fortunately, one brave journalist is leading a witch hunt against the latest threat to America’s moral fabric: good-looking girls who play sport.

In a diatribe against “college sport’s hot girl problem”, journalist Ethan Strauss lashed out at the Cavender twins, a pair of basketball-playing sisters who “aren’t the best players. But they might be the best-looking."

Ethan writes:

The Cavender twins are a new breed of sports star, catapulted to fame since universities relaxed rules on student athletes making money from endorsements.

And their popularity is wreaking havoc in America’s once-sterile college sports leagues.

Last year police had to intervene when a gymnastics meeting was interrupted by gangs of thirsty teenagers who had travelled to get a glimpse of social media star Olivia Dunne and abuse her rivals.

To be honest, it sounds a lot more fun than normal gymnastics…

💉 Quick hits

👋 Alessandro Buongiorno (Italian for Good morning) made his debut for Italy on Sunday, while Facundo Buonanotte (Italian for Goodnight) made his for Argentina on Monday.

💩 Karim Benzema’s nickname at Real Madrid is “fumier”, meaning shit or bastard in French slang.

🦅 Max Verstappen won the Canadian Grand Prix despite a dead bird getting stuck in his car.

🏃‍♂️ 30-year-old British accountant Eugene Amo-Dadzie is now the fastest man in Europe after running the 100m in 9.94 seconds. He only took up running four years ago.

🤯 As Jens Lehmann prepares to go to court over his chainsaw attack on a neighbour’s house, German tabloid Bild have done a lovely illustration…

📺 Sport on TV

Good weekend to go outside…

Today
Women’s Ashes cricket
• England v Australia (11am, Sky Sports)

Tennis
• Queen’s (11am, BBC and Amazon)

Super League rugby league
• Leeds v Huddersfield (8pm, Sky Sports)

Saturday
Horse racing
• Royal Ascot (from 1.30pm, Sky Sports)

Women’s Ashes cricket
• England v Australia (11am, Sky Sports)

Tennis
• Queen’s (1pm, BBC and Amazon)

Super Rugby Pacific final
• Chiefs v Crusaders (8.05am, Sky Sports)

Sunday
Women’s Ashes cricket
• England v Australia (11am, Sky Sports)

Tennis
• Queen’s (1pm, BBC and Amazon)

What we cover in the TV Guide

AND FINALLY

⛳ Naughty corner

Play was suspended in the Irish Women’s Premier Division when a toddler stole the corner flag.

That's it for today. Thanks to Frank for sending in stories.