FOOTBALL

🚗 It says here you’re an 86 year old from Macclesfield

By all rights, Ravel Morrison should be enjoying the twilight of a glorious career, swanning around with vacuous TikTok hotties, endorsing dubious pyramid schemes, and ditching his Rolls Royce Phantom on double yellows without a care in the world.

But the universe works in mysterious ways.

The ex-Man Utd prodigy was fined £1,000 this week after being caught using a fraudulent disabled permit to park his Audi in Manchester city centre.

Rav admitted he’d bought the blue badge, which belonged to “a deceased person”, for fifty quid from “someone in Old Trafford”.

Makes you wonder…

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FOOTBALL

🐿️ Squirrelled away

Bar a few catty jibes at Rebekah Vardy, Coleen Rooney’s new autobiography was disappointingly light on scandal.

She certainly didn’t dwell on her 18th birthday party, which descended into drunken family warfare.

According to a newspaper report at the time:

The book also omits Wazza getting caught knobbing a prostitute after writing her a note which read: “To Charlotte, I shagged U on 28 Dec, loads of love, Wayne Rooney.”

After that incident, a fuming Coleen ran out of the couple’s house and “headed for the nearby National Trust Squirrel Walk.”

“Before Rooney could catch her up, she had ripped off her £25,000 platinum and diamond engagement ring and thrown it into dense undergrowth where it could not be found.”

BASKETBALL

🍑 Butt of the joke

The long-suffering bigwigs behind British Basketball have seen off many threats to their fledgling sport: crippling budget cuts, American talent poachers, and the total indifference of the British public.

But after a decade of carefully curating their BBL brand, they’re facing an unexpected new hurdle - young women injecting fat into their buttocks.

The Brazilian Butt Lift has become so popular it’s taken over the initials BBL, forcing the league to ditch the nickname and ask teams to stop using it.

They’ve even got a new logo, which to be honest, kind of looks like a surgically altered arse…

FOOTBALL

🤬 Pascal’s rager

Last we heard of former Spurs defender Pascal Chimbonda, he was ordered to “wait in reception” after getting sent off for a horror tackle in a 7-a-side kickabout.

So we had high hopes when the Frenchman took the reins at ninth tier Skelmersdale United.

Things got off to a rocky start - in his first game, Pascal got caught up in an on-field scrap with hated rivals Barnoldswick Town, landing himself a red card and a five match touchline ban.

Unfazed, the 2006 World Cup finalist invited The Athletic to observe his methods when he returned to the dugout.

But rather than inspiring his players with gems he picked up from Zidane, Pascal gave them a 7 minute bollocking that included 72 swear words and ended:

They lost 6-0.

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FOOTBALL

😉 Just wishing them good luck

So it’s back to anger management classes for Nottingham Forest and Olympiakos owner Evangelos Marinakis, who has watched both sides lose 5-0 in recent weeks.

The portly shipping magnate stormed out of Craven Cottage on Wednesday night, chucking his VIP pass in a neighbour’s hedge.

Vange can probably handle a fixed penalty notice for littering - he’s certainly fought off worse charges.

In his native Greece, he was acquitted of heroin trafficking and match-fixing, but only after prosecutors made some very colourful allegations.

They claimed a referee had his bakery bombed after refusing Marinakis’ requests to favour Olympiakos in a crunch match.

And an Athens gallery owner says she once refused to sell a valuable painting to him. Two days later, a group of men stormed the gallery and threw cups of yoghurt over her. 

Marinakis denies involvement, but he did admit to a habit of visiting the referee's dressing room before important matches - something he explained as "just wishing them good luck".

UPSHOT PODCAST

🎙️ How to win cups and traumatise people

It was football’s greatest fairytale: in ten years ramshackle Wimbledon went from non-league to the top flight and FA Cup glory.

But that’s only half the story. Vinnie Jones, John Fashanu and co were a bunch of absolute animals.

They torched cars, held press conferences naked, and hospitalised their teammates with dressing room beatings.

This is the story of the Crazy Gang…

AND FINALLY

🔥 Brazil nuts

Until this week, Pele’s old side Santos had never been relegated from Brazil’s top flight.

Naturally, the fans are taking it with the kind of restraint and understanding you’d expect.

That's it for today. Thanks to Josh.

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