- The Upshot
- Scurvy-riddled sailor
Plus: Erik Ten Hag's borrowed suit
💬 Quote of the day
“I’m so shit” - Tammy Abraham.
🗞️ Ten things I hate about you
After his side finally picked up three points on Saturday, Erik Ten Hag was looking forward to a bit of respite from moaning pundits.
Unfortunately Graeme Souness had other ideas, turning his ire on the Dutchman’s accent and fashion sense in his Daily Mail column.
"Never in my wildest imagination have I been able to picture Erik ten Hag holding court from the middle of a dressing room,” Souness explained.
"I think the majority of them are struggling to buy into his body language, his demeanour, his soft Dutch accent, his ill-fitting suits.”
And don’t get me started on his haircut.
🎤 For Pete’s sake
As a former Premier League star, Peter Crouch is used to mobs of cretins barking abuse.
But when he launched Crouchfest, a live edition of his podcast, Peter was hoping the event would attract a more cultured breed of fan.
A bit like the Hay Literary Festival, but for people who drink Brewdog and use the word “banter” unironically.
Unfortunately, things panned out slightly differently, as surprise guest Wayne Lineker strolled on stage to the sound of 12,000 fans chanting “paedo, paedo”.
In fairness, Lineker - known more tactfully as Naughty Uncle Wayne in this parish - isn’t exactly Melvyn Bragg.
Gary’s older brother spends most of his time judging wet t-shirt contests and inhaling jelly shots off Love Island contestants.
🎸 If you do actually have a machine gun can you please turn it on me?
Speaking of hanging out with utter morons, interviewer Martin Brundle found himself talking to rapper Machine Gun Kelly ahead of the Brazilian Grand Prix.
A former driver, Brundle used to provide nerdy insight on tyre pressure and engine torque during races, until Sky forced him to wind up idiotic celebs on the grid.
Yesterday, Kelly challenged him to “play air guitar and air piano”, eventually giving him a thumbs down gesture and storming off.
Brundle did find time for a bit of hard hitting journalism, grilling nonagenarian sleazebag Bernie Ecclestone about his £650m tax dodging.
Expecting some soft soap questions, Bernie was shocked when Brundle began their conversation with: "You had quite an amazing month with His Majesty's Revenue and Customs”.
Unsurprisingly, Bernie ignored the comment.
💍 It’s just like I always dreamed
If there’s anything worse than the love of your life proposing to you in front of 76,000 drunk sports fans, it’s seeing them turn their back and celebrate with a bloke dressed as a wolf wearing hippy trousers and a backwards baseball cap.
🌧️ Gun but not forgotten
Barely a week goes by without another sun-starved victim crawling out of the Manchester City bunker to complain about life in Britain’s rainiest city.
According to Spanish press, Ilkay Gundogan - whose wife lamented the “horrible food everywhere” in the city - recently confessed to a relative that he “doesn't know how he lived in Manchester for seven years”.
It was a pretty gentle critique compared to ex-City winger Nolito, who once complained "my daughter's face has changed colour – it looks like she's been living in a cave."
And the latest olive skinned victim to succumb to malnutrition up north was Julian Alvarez, whose tooth seemed to drop out like a scurvy-riddled sailor as he celebrated against Bournemouth on Saturday.
💉 Quick hits
🤝 Potty-mouthed gaffer Emma Hayes is rumoured to be leaving Chelsea to manage the USA women’s team.
👨👦 With Reims manager Will Still serving a touchline ban, his 26-year-old brother took charge against Nantes. They won 1-0.
🍆 Inspire a generation
There’s a huge mural of Emi Martinez shagging the World Cup trophy outside his kids’ school in Argentina.
That's it for today.
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🎙️ You might remember Adrian Mutu as a promising Chelsea striker with a taste for cocaine. But Class As weren’t his only vice. From high speed car chases to drinking a porn star's blood, meet the Bad Boy of Bucharest on The Upshot podcast.