FOOTBALL

👃 A Herr’s breadth

It’s been a sad week for fans of charismatic managers with a naughty streak.

Two days before Sven-Goran Eriksson headed to the discreet hotel penthouse in the sky, we also lost German gaffer Christophe Daum.

Back in 2000, Daum had just shaken hands on a deal to become Germany’s new manager when tabloids claimed he’d taken part in a wild cocaine-fuelled orgy in a Cologne sauna.

Blaming “blackmail by criminals and prostitutes”, the moustachioed maverick offered to provide a hair sample to prove he hadn’t taken drugs.

It was quite the gamble, especially as the results came back saying Daum had “set a new record in toxicology tests”.

He eventually admitted his guilt and is still known in his homeland as the man who came within a hair’s breadth of managing Germany.

FOOTBALL

✍️ Burn after reading

Judging by that clip of Vincent Kompany terrorising his squad last season, Burnley isn’t the sort of club where staff celebrate National Marshmallow Day and jot down three things they admire about their colleagues.

Perhaps that explains the absolutely savage report academy manager Dave Longwell wrote about the club’s first team players.

Longwell branded one player “lazy/not good attitude”, another a “big waste of money”, and a third “miles off it in the Premier League and too weak for England”.

Unfortunately, he accidentally sent his burn book to a WhatsApp group containing the entire under-21 squad, and it was soon doing the rounds.

It was a particularly painful read for defender Luke McNally, who Longwell criticised for a “strange athletic shape” and winger Darko Churlinov, who he branded “a disaster - mad guy - on loan as they just need him out the place”.

Burnley have now sacked Longwell.

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BOXING

💒 As a token of our love, each guest will receive a pine tree car freshener and 20% off their next MOT

After flicking through the brochure for Amir Khan’s wedding venue, the first happy couple to tie the knot at The Balmanya were looking forward to celebrating their special day in a “world of natural beauty and elegance”.

But the bride’s concerns began as their ribboned Alfa Romeo pulled onto a sliproad off the M61, past Supreme car wash and into a non-descript Bolton industrial estate littered with broken fridges and piss-stained mattresses.

Rather than “seamlessly blending nature’s charm with contemporary design”, The Balmanya looked like a chlorine-stenched council leisure centre, and sat between a branch of Abra Kebab-ra and a car park “plagued by fly-tipping”.

And just three months after it hosted its first wedding, Amir has stuck the venue on the market. Although he might struggle to get the £12.5m asking price.

Even the neighbours agree - one admitted this week: “I know it’s his home town but he could have chosen somewhere nicer to build it.”

FOOTBALL

📢 Lo blow

Coaching a kids’ football team is a thankless task.

You spend your Saturday mornings cowering from sideways rain on some bog-ridden playing field, scraping dog shit off boots while mouth-frothing parents berate you for not using overlapping wing backs.

And even Ballon D’or winners aren’t immune to that hellish existence.

Germany’s most capped player, Lothar Mätthaus, who captained his country to glory at the 1990 World Cup, quit as coach of an U13s football team this week after enduring an incessant barrage of parents slagging off his tactics.

“I spend the whole day on the phone and have to listen to everything I'm doing wrong”, Mätthaus explained, with the weary tone of a Ryanair switchboard operator. “Everyone's child doesn't play enough.”

And if this screenshot from an under 8s football team WhatsApp group is anything to go by, he’s probably got a point:

The diatribe ended by imploring the coach to “watch any football match and assess how everything is trigonometry based in possession”.

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FOOTBALL

🎟️ Agent Oranje

As Jermaine Jenas weighs up a move to join Andy Gray and Richard Keys on their seedy Doha sofa, he can take comfort from the resurrection of NBC commentator Robbie Earle.

After eight years climbing the greasy pole at ITV, Robbie was given a major punditry gig at the 2010 World Cup.

During the Netherlands’ opening match, 36 blonde models turned up in matching orange miniskirts and shirts promoting Bavaria beer.

They were kicked out and their tickets were traced back to Robbie, who was sacked just four days into the tournament.

💉 Quick hits

🎸 Wojciech Szczęsny’s kids are called Liam and Noellia. He retired this week on the same day Oasis announced their reunion…

🇷🇴 After his cocaine scandal, Christoph Daum managed Romania, where he lost his rag with hostile journalists and told them: “I am more Romanian than you”.

📱 Sean Longstaff’s fantasy football team is called Sean’s XI.

🔑 Get The Upshot three times a week when you unlock Upshot Gold.

AND FINALLY

🐟 Not sure I’ve got the freezer space

That's it for today. Thanks to Essam.