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FOOTBALL

🧹 We’re cleaning for England

“Jolly England fans disappoint Americans expecting hooligans,” reported The Times this week, revealing local cops had been gearing up for fan trouble at the World Cup by watching Football Factory and Green Street.

To be fair, they’re right to feel let down. Not only has there been a shocking lack of Millwall bricks and flares up arses, but some England fans have even been cleaning up after themselves.

If you think filming yourself clearing up your own mess and then posting that clip on social media for likes is a bit performative, you’re not alone.

Japan fans - who’ve long been praised for tidying stadiums after World Cup games - are starting to catch heat for the same practice back home.

They’ve been accused of hypocrisy, because Japanese men rank the lowest among highly-developed countries in terms of time spent doing housework.

FOOTBALL

🗑️ Trash talk

It’s not the first time these Japanese World Cup clear-ups have caused controversy.

During the last tournament, journalist Andy Ha reversed one of the videos and posted it on Twitter as a joke.

Sadly, not everyone got the gag, and Andy briefly became public enemy no. 1 in Japan.

There were some good responses as well though…

❤️‍🩹 Hungary for more

Uruguay haven’t exactly been thrilling at this World Cup. But maybe that’s for the best.

Their 1954 semi final against Hungary was so exciting, striker Juan Hohberg suffered a cardiac arrest.

He scored an 87th minute equaliser, his overzealous teammates jumped on him in celebration, and his heart stopped beating for 15 seconds.

Then the physio gave him some smelling salts, and he came back on for extra time.

If you’ve been given a heart attack by your rambunctious teammates - or had any accident that wasn’t your fault - you need InjuryLawyers4U.

Call 0330 127 8437 or visit their website today. It’s no win, no fee.

FOOTBALL

🏩 I shouldn’t be doing this, I’m a Marriot man

It’s been a decent World Cup so far, with plenty of goals, cards and misplaced English optimism. But until now, there’s been one thing missing: a bonafide sex scandal.

Fortunately, we’ve just got one, courtesy of Brazilian Football Confederation President Samir Xaud.

Samir has been caught using company funds to fly his mistress out to a swanky hotel in NYC, so she could be with him for the tournament.

Fitness entrepreneur Camila Cristina Andrade spent eight days at Manhattan’s Hyatt Regency Grand Central, racking up a $11.5k bill under Xaud’s name.

The pair were also papped together at a restaurant in the borough:

After that meal, Samir flew to Mexico City to meet up with his wife, once again on the company dime.

It’s actually his second offence - back in December he was caught flying a different mistress to Qatar for the FIFA Intercontinental World Cup.

He’s now been forced to pay back the New York bill out of his own pocket. And as further punishment, he had to sit next to Gianni Infantino during the Brazil v Haiti match.

FOOTBALL

🇲🇽 Mr. Batesy vs The Post Office

England fans might be behaving at this World Cup, but it was a different story the last time Mexico hosted in ‘86.

That’s according to a new documentary called Lost Down Mexico Way, which tells the story of a group of lads from the Midlands, who went out to that tournament and never came home.

We would say the doc is heart-warming, but there are a few signs its protagonists are a bunch of absolute wrong’uns…

• They pay for the trip via insurance fraud, pretending their traveller’s cheques have been stolen.

• One of the gang - Rabbithead - has a wife and three-year-old at home. He tells them he’s popping out for a pint of milk, then doesn’t come back for 12 years.

• He’d also just done a three-stretch for robbing a post office.

• Another chap - Batesy - convinces a woman to sleep with him by pretending to be Peter Shilton.

• And at one point in the film, the gang are buzzing because they’ve discovered “the best brothel in central America.”

Apart from all that, they’re a charming bunch.

FOOTBALL

🇪🇸 Drug shack is a little old place where we smoke crack together

It’s a shame Rabbithead and the boys never made it down to the Balearics. They’d have loved this Spanish football-themed drug shack in Majorca.

Decorated in Spain colours and featuring a mural of players, the shack was located right next to Palma Airport, and until very recently, dealers were using it to sell coke, crack and smack to tourists.

Not sure how Pedri and Ferran Torres would have felt about their names being used to pedal skag, but sadly it’s now a moot point, as police have just bulldozed the gaff.

Hard to say what gave the game away, but it could have been the giant ESPANA sign, which made it look like a Glastonbury paella stand.

Or the handwritten chalkboard menu advertising “COCA” for €50.

Or maybe it was the images of the shack on Google Street View, which show two men who look very much like drug dealers…

FOOTBALL

🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿 The secrets and scandals of England’s 2006 World Cup squad

Barring the odd thirsty DM from Jarell Quansah, the current England squad is full of very well-behaved young men.

Unlike England’s World Cup squad 20 years ago, which was absolutely riddled with wrong’uns.

From shagging grannies to battering DJs, we’ve picked an XI of 2006’s most scandalous stars.

You can watch the video on YouTube now.

💉 Quick hits

💸 An average 30-second World Cup ad slot on Fox Sports costs between $200k and $300k, rising to $750k during USA matches and the final stages. That means they’ll make $250m from the hydration breaks at this World Cup.

⛓️ The President of the Turkish Football Federation has called on Turkey’s Justice Minister to imprison people who criticise the national team.

📱 Bit of an error from The Sun’s push notifications team last week. One of their World Cup news alerts cut off on phones at an unfortunate point, reading “TACTICAL BLUNDER: ITV sexism row as Emma Hayes is forced to do World Cup anal...”. Presumably that’s “analysis”.

😌 The Ghanaian witch doctor who “cursed” Harry Kane has vowed to lift his jinx in time for England’s clash with Panama.

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AND FINALLY…

🗿 Made a Mess of that…

An 85-foot statue of Messi has been erected in Cutral Có, Argentina.

And what an erection it is.