FOOTBALL

🦯 Sugar cane

Back in September, Alan Sugar was enjoying a relaxing afternoon firing out foul-mouthed tweets to Piers Morgan, when his Amstrad Em@iler began to buzz.

It was Claude Littner - his acid-tongued consigliere from The Apprentice.

“Lord Sugar, switch your Amstrad on. Redknapp’s boy’s talking codswallop on the Sky box!”

And sure enough, he was.

Live on Sky, pundit Jamie Redknapp was waxing lyrical about ex-Tottenham chairman Dan Levy, explaining how he’d supercharged the club since he took over from Alan Sugar - who owned Spurs from 1991 to 2001.

Fuming, Sugar fired out a warning shot and dispatched Nick and Margaret to stake out the Redknapp household.

Sky shuddered at the prospect of a courtroom grilling from Claude, and quickly ordered Jamie to make a grovelling apology to Alan Lord Sugar, live on air.

FOOTBALL

🤩 Sheila Dealer

Sure, you’ve seen the Northern Lights and witnessed the great wildebeest migration. But there is one glaring omission on your bucket list: have you eaten overpriced slop near the mother of the second best footballer in the world?

Well now you have the chance, thanks to an illustrious London party whose special guest is… Sheila Ebana, aka LAMINE YAMAL’S MOTHER!!!!!

For just £300, punters can skip past the screaming throngs of fans and bag a seat on Sheila’s table, before queueing up for a hasty selfie with the Barcelona matriarch.

The 400 person “Christmas gala” is on 7th November, which is a shame - we’re already attending a fireworks display hosted by Bukayo Saka’s cousin that night…

FOOTBALL

😈 Silva tongue

Vinicius Jr spent a long summer watching Lamine Yamal usurp him as the heir to Neymar’s throne.

But while Yamal frolicked with pornstars on jetskis and finished second in the Ballon d’Or, Vini was quietly grafting behind the scenes.

This week, Brazilian model Anna Silva branded the Real Madrid striker “a sex maniac” and complained: “He kept sending me dick pics. He just wanted sex talk. That’s all.”

After sharing their WhatsApp chats on national TV, she also claimed he cancelled their holiday to Marbella because she refused to rope a friend in for a threesome.

Vini has now apologised, which won’t go down well with Uncle Neymar…

FOOTBALL

☄️ Catherine the great

Catherine Connolly was already the frontrunner to be the next Irish President. And after this video of her doing kick-ups at a school, they might as well give it to her.

Although that’s nothing on 82-year-old Lamberto Boranga, who became Italy’s oldest ever footballer after turning out for 7th tier Trevana last week.

Lamberto, who began his career in 1961, let in five goals and was subbed off. But still.

FOOTBALL

🚌 No gloating on the upper deck or stairs please

When bus driver Isaac began his shift on London’s rail replacement routes, the worst he expected was irate commuters squeezing on their Brompton bikes, or a spilled doner kebab on the top deck.

That was until the die-hard Liverpool fan was assigned a route running past Stamford Bridge, just after his side’s Premier League match against Chelsea.

And worst of all, he’d worn his prized away shirt to work.

After Chelsea’s last minute winner, jubilant Blues fans flooded onto the King’s Road, where they spotted the Scouse busman cowering behind the wheel in a queue of traffic.

They surrounded the bus chanting until police stepped in, and on Monday morning Isaac was sacked for causing "significant disruption and delays".

💉 Quick hits

⚖️ Former Lib Dem leader Sir Menzies Campbell, who died last week, was once known as the “fastest white man on the planet” after running 100m in 10.2 seconds. He beat OJ Simpson in the same race.

⚽ Patrick Kluivert’s three sons scored on three consecutive days for three different clubs last week.

🤔 64% of American tennis fans believe they could win one game against a professional.

🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿 Scotland’s Ballon d’Or judge was the only voter who ranked Scott McTominay top for the award. He had a couple of other Scottish names at 5 and 6 too…

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AND FINALLY…

🕯️Brahma from another mother

We’re struggling to believe it, but apparently this is not Pep Guardiola, it’s an Indian monk at the Ram Mandir Temple inauguration at Ayodhya, India.