FOOTBALL

🍑 Naked ambition

After a year in Germany, Harry Kane was looking forward to slipping on his lederhosen, reeling off his best “Guten Tag”, and introducing his England teammates to the delights of Leberknödelsuppe.

But as England touched down for the Euros, there was one local custom they simply couldn’t stomach: the Germans’ penchant for stripping off and parading their wrinkled scrotums around the hot tubs of Blankenhain.

On check-in at their training base this week, the squad were informed that the hotel operated a strict no clothes policy in the sauna and spa.

An awkward showdown followed in reception as Cole Palmer shuddered at the prospect of Dean Henderson’s unkempt pubic bush moulting on the slats beside him.

Eventually the hotel backed down, reluctantly waiving the policy and temporarily allowing the players to wear shorts.

FOOTBALL

🍩 Snod’s law

Scotland kick off the Euros tonight, and as you can see from the clip above, spirits are high in Munich.

Considering their opponents are hosts Germany, the players seem remarkably relaxed too, but perhaps that’s down to absence of retired prankster Robert Snodgrass.

At a recent live show in Glasgow, the former West Ham midfielder revealed he’d once come into the Scotland dressing room and found a tray of donuts.

So naturally he did what you or I would do: he picked up one of the donuts, shagged it and then rubbed it on his arse.

When his teammates filed in soon after, he handed the donut to captain Andy Robertson, who took a big ol’ bite, to Snodgrass’s delight.

As he regaled this anecdote on stage, the sell out crowd fell totally silent, and then booed poor Snodders off the stage.

SHAKING THE TIN

🔑 Eur in for a treat

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ATHLETICS

🤦‍♂️ Murphy’s Laur

Laura Garcia-Caro celebrates bronze in the 20km walking race a little early, and ends up coming fourth.

EATING

🌱 In the dog house

As a 16-time hot dog eating champion, and a world record holder with 76 in ten minutes, Joey Chestnut was already a hero to American carnivores.

But when he threw an animal rights activist to the floor on Independence Day, his demigod status among meat eaters reached the heights of Colonel Sanders and the guy who shot the last buffalo.

So you can imagine their horror when, on the eve of this year’s championship, Joey signed up to be the face of Impossible Foods - a vegan sausage brand.

As furious protestors daubed the tournament organisers’ HQ with vegan mayo, and pelted the CEO with beetroot falafels, they were forced to act.

Major League Eating - who run the championships - have banned Joey from competing until he renounces his ties to the meat alternative.

FORMULA 1

🍿 Yes I know interest rates are out of control, but Esteban Ocon is about to pit

When CNN spotted Romania’s Prime Minister huddled round a phone on election day, they assumed he was nervously checking the exit polls or courting coalition partners.

It turned out he was streaming the Canadian grand prix, furiously closing pop-up ads for penis pills to see how Lando Norris’ hard tyres would fare in the wet conditions.

When the stunned CNN reporter reminded him it was election day, he replied: “Yes, but half of the result of an F1 race is decided at the start”.

He won by a landslide.

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💉 Quick hits

🏆 Ivan Toney says he’ll get a tattoo of the trophy on his forehead if England win the Euros.

📚 Spain’s 16-year-old forward Lamine Yamal has taken his school homework with him to Germany.

🔮 Phil Foden visited a psychic for a tarot card reading last week.

🚲 Czech Republic midfielder Michal Sadilek has been ruled out of the Euros after falling off his bike at their training camp.

🫡 North Korea are one game away from qualifying for the 2026 World Cup.

AND FINALLY

👫 Mini Mi

Naomi Osaka walks out on court holding hands with a grown man.

That's it for today. Thanks to Daniel.