FOOTBALL

🚩 And it's no, Ney, never over the line

Lamine Yamal may have usurped Neymar as football’s seediest party planner, but there’s only one king of slapstick on the pitch.

The Brazilian thought he’d scored an equaliser for Santos yesterday, and celebrated by smashing the corner flag in two.

Unfortunately the ball hadn’t crossed the line, Santos lost the game, and now they’re in the relegation zone…

BOXING

🍹 Rum punch

In the pantheon of mental dads, Stanley Dubois is up there with Jos Verstappen and King Herod.

When Daniel Dubois was just five years old, Stan would force him to do hours of press-ups and laps of the estate before he was allowed any water.

So it was a bit of a shock to learn he was pouring his son Bacardi and Cokes and making him pose for selfies ahead of the biggest fight of his life.

Last Saturday, hours before Daniel was KO’d by Oleksandr Usyk, Stanley threw what’s being described as an “insane 70-person house party” at their family mansion in Essex.

Most of the guests were strangers, and Daniel had to go for a drive at one point to get away from them and clear his head.

When it was finally time to kick them out and head to Wembley, the journey was delayed because Stanley requested extra cars to take the whole entourage to the venue with them.

The extra cars weren’t accredited, security wouldn’t let them through the gate, and Daniel had to get out and walk the last stretch of the journey, meaning he only arrived 90 minutes before his ring walk.

Understandably, this has caused a bit of a stir in the boxing community, but fortunately Daniel’s trainer Don Charles has been able to downplay the reports:

F1

 🐶 Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone, prevent the dog from shitting on the carpet

Raise a glass of bats’ blood and snort a line of ants, Ozzy Osbourne has shuffled off this mortal coil.

Apart from being a lifelong Villa fan, the Prince of Darkness didn’t have too many sporting crossovers.

But there was a wonderful moment during the 2003 Canadian Grand Prix, when he made a surprise appearance on Martin Brundle’s grid walk.

He began by announcing he’d written a musical about the life and times of Rasputin (sadly yet to see the light of day), before Martin asked if he’d brought his dogs with him.

Without skipping a beat, he replied:

FOOTBALL

⚖️ Better Call Schaul

Given Quincy Promes failed to turn up to multiple court days for his cocaine smuggling trial, then politely asked Dutch authorities not to arrest him, his lawyer didn’t seem like the sharpest tool in the schuur.

But even so, it was a bit of a surprise to see his solicitor in the dock himself this week, charged with passing on confidential police reports to an organised crime group.

According to Belgian prosecutors, Cem Polat was "in the front row” of an organisation run by Flemish drug lord Flor B, which is accused of smuggling at least 16,000 kilos of cocaine.

If Cem is found guilty, he’ll likely face a hefty prison sentence. Which will at least mean he can offer Quincy round-the-clock legal advice…

ATHLETICS

🏆 Chariots of Éire

Irish Olympic sprinter Sharlene Mawdsley had plenty to celebrate this week.

Firstly, her boyfriend Michael Breen won the All-Ireland Hurling Championship with Tipperary.

Then, after staying up all night after the final, she beat a topless bloke in a street race.

According to our Munster bureau, the race took place at 6.45am, and her competitor’s name was Buggy O'Meara…

TENNIS

🪲 Squash court

Speaking of bugs, Maria Sakkari took the time to save an insect this week, after it crawled onto the court during her Round of 16 match at the Citi Open.

Then a sadistic ball boy immediately squashed it…

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AND FINALLY…

🍛 World Madras Basics