FOOTBALL

💔 ‘Mine girls

As one of the most exciting young stars on the planet, Lamine Yamal is immune to the woes of your average 17-year-old.

He’s not going to get teased about his braces or sold a bag of oregano by his mate’s older brother.

But there is one rite of passage he can’t escape: having his heart broken when his girlfriend ditches him for a boy in the year above.

The Barca wonderkid has apparently dumped his girlfriend Alex and unfollowed her on social media after she appeared in a video sitting on some punk’s knee at a party.

To be honest it seems pretty innocuous, but the boy in question does have an Instagram filled with videos of him doing backflips into the sea, which everyone knows is the ultimate social currency in secondary school.

Fortunately, it looks like Yamal is already over it - a few days later he was papped in Marbella draped over a model who is ten years older than him.

OLYMPICS

💩 I’ve Seine things no one should see

So it’s finally happened: dozens of medal-hungry triathletes plunged into the turd riddled water of the Seine.

Nobody’s come down with a bout of cholera yet, although Canada’s Tyler Mislawchuk puked ten times during the race, and a haunted Jolien Vermeylen shuddered that she "felt and saw things that we shouldn't think about too much" in the water.

One man looking a picture of health at the breakfast buffet was American Seth Rider, who spent the week priming his immune system by licking toilet seats and sniffing dog turds in the Bois de Boulogne.

Genius…

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FOOTBALL

🚽 Do you mind taking the “Clunge Tour ‘24” t-shirt off for the press conference, Neil?

For thousands of ‘orrible Brits who make the pilgrimage every year, Bucharest is a stag do Mecca, where you’re handcuffed to a stripper at baggage reclaim and plied with watered down Raki by your zorbing instructor.

You’d like to think a culture vulture like Neil Lennon would shun that seedy underbelly, but it sounds like the new Rapid Bucharest gaffer might have slipped into stag mode.

According to local reports, the former Celtic boss turned up to training hanging out of his arse after a midweek piss-up at a brewery, and then proceeded to urinate on the training pitch in front of his horrified squad.

The term used by Romanian press was actually “defecate”, but we’re hoping that’s an error from Google Translate…

GYMNASTICS

🧀 Shaq and cheese

At 4ft 8in, Simone Biles is surely the shortest of all Olympic Gods. Here she is next to 7ft 1in basketball legend Shaquille O’Neal.

And while we’re on gymnastics, among the Italians who finished runner-up to Simone’s team was Giorgia Villa, who is sponsored by parmesan cheese…

And she’s not the only one ensnared in the tentacles of Big Parma. They also sponsor world tennis number one Jannik Sinner…

OLYMPICS

👿 Vier off course

Ana Carolina Vieira is the bad girl of Brazilian swimming.

After landing bronze at last year’s national championships, she got into a post-race scrap with the gold medal winner, slapping her, pulling her hair and “rubbing” her face on a railing.

So when team bosses caught her sneaking out of the Paris Olympic Village the night before her relay team’s shock defeat, they knew they’d have a fight on their hands.

And sure enough, Ana brought the noise - team bosses say she abused them in a “disrespectful and aggressive manner” when they confronted her, and they’ve now sent her home.

Still, Ana’s relay teammates should count themselves lucky they had a good night’s sleep despite her after-dark shenanigans.

At Rio 2016, Giovanna Pedroso claimed her synchronised diving partner Ingrid Oliveira “threw me out” of their shared hotel room the night before their event so she could have a “marathon sex session” with a canoeist.

They finished last…

💉 Quick hits

🇯🇲 Despite early rumours it would be Steve Bruce, Steve McClaren is the new manager of Jamaica. If the Dutch accent he put on after joining FC Twente in 2012 is anything to go by, we’re in for a treat.

🚨 Phil Foden’s neighbours called the police to shut down a kids’ birthday party at his mansion. Apparently gangster rap was still blasting out at midnight.

🏆 Juninho says winning the League Cup with Middlesbrough meant more than lifting the World Cup with Brazil.

🐦 At the opening ceremony of the 1948 Olympics in London, they released 7,000 pigeons as doves were too hard to come by. The pigeons instantly unleashed a barrage of shit over the athletes.

💘 A Paris strip club has offered free entry to all Olympic athletes.

🔑 You can get The Upshot three times a week when you sign up for Upshot Gold

AND FINALLY

🚬 Nationalize the shizzle

That's it for today.