FOOTBALL

️‍☕ When you’re done showing us round, would you mind getting us a cup of tea love?

Jim Ratcliffe’s getting a bad rap at the minute, following his miserly decision to close the Old Trafford canteen and replace his staff’s hot meals with overripe fruit.

But in person, Man United’s billionaire co-owner can actually be quite courteous.

Like the time he was taken for a tour of the club’s Carrington training facilities.

He was cheery, engaged and polite. And at the end of the tour, he even took the time to ask the nice young tour guide what she did at Manchester United.

“I’m Katie Zelem,” she replied. “Captain of the women’s team”.

FOOTBALL

🇺🇦 Wakey wakey

Putin might be rubbing his hands with glee at the prospect of getting his grubby trotters on the Pokrovs'ke coal mine, but he shouldn’t celebrate too soon.

Because Volodymyr Zelensky has one last ace up his sleeve: prolific adult star Bonnie Blue.

That’s according to former Wales and Sheffield United winger David Cotterill, who accused her of being a Ukrainian psyop:

And everyone knows Lily Phillips shot JFK…

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FOOTBALL

🍒 Bite at the cherry

As FC Taxi and SV Rot-Weiss Mülheim prepared to kick off in Germany’s District League C, there was a nice family atmosphere in the ground.

Reverend Schneider was grilling his famous blunzengröstl, an oompah band performed a jaunty polka, and the players’ kids were doing cartwheels on the touchline.

So when one overzealous child charged towards the centre circle, the ref was ready to ruffle the young whippersnapper’s hair and send them on their way. Instead, the kid bit him on the bollock.

"It came closer and closer to me and suddenly and completely unexpectedly bit me on the left testicle," wrote the ref in his match report.

The pain was so bad, he postponed the match.

BASKETBALL

🦒 Railey unfair

Speaking of precocious children, meet 11-year-old Archange Railey-Lemovou, a 6ft 5in basketball prodigy who has no qualms about mercilessly dunking on his pathetic, tiny peers.

The average 11-year-old boy in the United States is a tad over 4ft 8in…

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FOOTBALL

🛥️ Mad Vlad

In the pantheon of madcap club owners, few were as batshit as Vladimir Romanov.

The former Czar of Hearts FC hired a clairvoyant to pick his teams, tried to change the club’s name to Dynamo Hearts and sent out bizarre cryptic press releases about Mowgli.

And, it turns out, he also issued a chilling death threat to his own captain, former Scotland defender Andy Webster.

This week, Andy revealed he was confronted by Romanov on board a super-yacht in the Mediterranean, which the oligarch had hired for a pre-season tour.

Aggrieved that Andy wouldn’t sign a new contract, Vlad summoned him to let him know people who don’t toe the line in Russia “sometimes disappear.”

Terrified he’d be thrown overboard by the Kremlin-connected chairman, the centre-back locked himself in his cabin and refused to come out for the remainder of the trip.

These days, Vlad has to make do with less glamorous vessels. Last anyone heard, he was penniless and living in a disused nuclear submarine on the Siberia tundra…

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AND FINALLY…

🕵️ Fabio Borini Inspector

New QAnon-loving FBI director Kash Patel was spotted wearing a Liverpool tie this week.

Makes you think…