FOOTBALL

🍻 Lehmann’s terms

For the overworked officers at Munich Polizei, Oktoberfest is a hellish experience at the best of times.

So after a long shift winching drunken tourists out of the River Iser, the last thing they needed was a run in with local troublemaker Jens Lehmann

The former Arsenal keeper had spent the night necking steins and dancing on tables at the beer festival, before police caught him trying to drive home.

Still dressed in full lederhosen, Jens was dragged back to the station where officers confiscated his driving licence - not for the first time.

Last year, Lehmann’s licence was taken after he repeatedly sped under the barriers at the airport car park to avoid the €3 fee.

When officers arrived to confiscate his documents, Jens told one she must have “a malfunction in her brain”.

And then there’s the time he sort of, a little bit, broke into his neighbours house and destroyed their garage with a chainsaw…

FOOTBALL

🥊 Costa living

Speaking of ex-Premier League nutjobs, we assumed Diego Costa was happily living out his days strutting around Sao Paulo, spitting on kittens and head butting supermarket cashiers.

But it turns out the headcase striker is still on the books at Brazilian side Gremio.

After a lengthy injury lay off, the 35-year-old made his comeback for the club’s U20 side this week, lining up alongside a squad of admiring teenagers.

He was sent off for fighting…

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FOOTBALL

💰 Dutch courage

We’ve dedicated a fair few column inches lately to former Dutch international Quincy Promes, who’s currently holed up in Dubai avoiding charges of cocaine trafficking and stabbing his cousin.

But it turns out Quince is little more than a pesky street dealer compared to fellow Dutchman Ronnie Stam.

The ex-Wigan defender, who lifted the FA Cup in 2013, was on trial this week alongside his parents, brother and girlfriend, accused of importing more than two tonnes of cocaine into the Netherlands.

At this rate the Dutch prison five-a-side team is looking formidable…

DARTS

💨 Bowels-eye

If you’ve ever graced the beer-stained halls of Ally Pally, you’ll know the world of darts isn’t too concerned with the conventions of polite society.

You’re more likely to see a bloke in a smurf costume dangling his knob in a pint of Madri than a couple of eggheads debating Luke Littler’s throwing technique.

So you can’t blame world number 18 James Wade for letting rip with an absolute belter of a fart during the Players Championship this week.

Fans were quick to label Wade’s effort a shart, an accusation he denied with the sincerity of a politician caught dogging on Wimbledon Common:

It definitely wasn’t…

FOOTBALL

🤕 Loan shark

When Honduran side Olimpia sent André Orellana out on loan, they were hoping the young defender would pick up some valuable experience.

And in a way, he did…

After coming up against his parent club, André absolutely savaged two of his teamates with a horror tackle.

Could be an awkward reunion.

💉 Quick hits

🩼 West Ham manager Julen Lopetegui pulled his calf stamping the ground in anger during their 5-1 loss to Liverpool. He left Anfield on crutches.

☀️ Former referee Carlos Chandia admitted he once spared Lionel Messi a yellow card when the Argentine forward promised to give him his shirt at full time.

💰 Since signing for Al Hilal last summer, Neymar has played five matches and earned £145m. That’s £29m per game.

🤔 France’s futsal team have been accused of match fixing after letting in some ridiculously easy goals in their 4-1 loss to Iran. The defeat means they avoid perennial champions Brazil in the next round.

🎥 South Korean shooter Kim Yeji, who won silver at the Olympics, has been cast as an assassin in an upcoming TV series.

AND FINALLY

💥 Think that’s what you call a bad omen

Before their big Copa Libertadores tie against Botafogo yesterday, Sao Paulo FC organised a blimp to fly over the city emblazoned with the words: “Vamos Sao Paulo!”

It crashed into a house, and they lost the match on penalties…

That's it for today.