Stoned Italian tourist
The rugby wrong'un behind HSTikkyTokky
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đŹ Quote of the day
"Anyone who attacks the UAE, and for not one reason at all, is a mortal enemy to the McGregorsâ - Conor McGregorâs message to new Ayatollah Mojtaba Khamanei.
FOOTBALL
đ Marrasesh
So the blazers have stripped Senegal of their AFCON title for walking off the pitch in the final two months ago, and handed it to Morocco instead.
It may be the most hollow victory since David Goodwillie got Sky to clarify he was a rapist rather than a racist, but that didnât stop the people of Morocco celebrating in their usual fashion.
Within minutes of the ruling, fans were in their cars, beeping their horns and circling their blocks while hanging flags out of their windows.
No sign yet of Moroccoâs cosmic monarch King Mohammed VI, who did a victory lap of Rabat after the Atlas Lions upset Spain in 2022 World Cup.
Here he is on the streets of Paris, looking like a stoned Italian tourist stumbling out of the Bulldog coffee shop in Amsterdamâs red light district:
RUGBY
đŹ Like father like Harrison
Itâs easy to miss the halcyon days of two weeks ago, when the Strait of Hormuz was open, Premier League teams were still feared in Europe, and you had absolutely no idea who HSTikkyTokky was.
In case youâre still blissfully unaware, HS - real name Harrison Sullivan - is one of the main villains in Louis Therouxâs new manosphere documentary.
Heâs also the son of former England rugby star Victor Ubogu, who we learn in the film wasnât particularly present during Harrisonâs childhood.
At first we thought his absence might explain HS's behaviour, but after doing some research into Victor, weâre now wondering if he taught his son too much.
This is what Uboguâs then-girlfriend had to say about him to The Independent in 1995:
Last time I was [at dinner] with him, I went off to the loo, and when I came back, he was sitting at a completely different table with a whole lot of girls.
I hate his dress sense - it's too flash, he wears nothing but Versace. He's got this really flash car too - a yellow Lotus. I don't like that at all.
He does talk about himself quite a lot, and sometimes when I'm telling him something about myself, I catch his eyes glazing over.
And hereâs Victor giving some quite telling answers to The Guardian in a 2001 Q&A:
Harrison was born a few months after that article was published.
CRICKET
đ§ââïž Something wicket this way comes
These days, when a team is struck down by an injury crisis, they fire up the cryogenic chamber, pump their crocked stars full of research chemicals and fly their stool samples by private jet to a Californian lab.
So itâs nice to see things in county cricket are still a little more analogueâŠ
Kent coach Adam Hollioake revealed this week that the club had hired a faith healer to âward off the evil spiritsâ at the St Lawrence Ground, which was once the site of a leper hospital.
The club was apparently hoping to reverse its appalling injury record, but after seeing the backlash to Adamâs comments, officials quickly penned a clarification.
They hadnât hired a faith healer - that would be crazy. Theyâd hired a ânon-denominational geopathic surveyorâ.
FOOTBALL
đź You canât drop me gaffer, Iâve just got an Aku Aku
Brazilian defender Zé Roberto represented his country 84 times, won the Copa América twice, and starred for Bayern Munich as they dominated the Bundesliga in the 00s.
But thereâs one question thatâs always dogged him: why didnât it work out at Real Madrid?
Well, this week ZĂ© has finally opened up on his troubled six month stint in the Spanish capital, and heâs placing the blame squarely on mischievous marsupial Crash Bandicoot.
I was young, newly married, and I bought a PlayStation. I was like a rooster. We would have sex all day and, at night, play video games.
I ate poorly, and I slept very little. I gained weight. I arrived at training with dark circles under my eyes.
It was the stress of trying to beat Crash Bandicoot.
Sounds like the work of Dr Neo CortexâŠ
FOOTBALL
đ” Italian job
With his silver tongue, tactical nouse and well-honed carrot-and-air-rifle motivational method, Ashley Cole has everything it takes to succeed as a top manager.
But given his track record with pronunciation, he was brave to take the top job at Serie B side Cesena.
Back in 2021, Ashley was asked to perform the Europa League draw, and he struggled somewhat with exotic team names like Istanbul Basaksehir.
Stade Rennais became "Stad Rens" and Espanyol came out as "Spanya", much to the amusement of the blazers running the ceremony.
Still, we wish Cole all the best in his new role. Hopefully he integrates better at Cesena than he did in Rome.
đ Quick hits
đ« Ismael Saibari - who tried to steal Ădouard Mendy's towel during the AFCON final - has also had his fine overturned by the African Football Confederation.
đŠ Crash Bandicootâs girlfriend Tawna Bandicoot was cut after the first edition because she was considered âtoo sexyâ for a family game. Apparently she was based on Pamela Anderson.
đ Douglas Luiz is now dating Eduâs daughter.
đ Darts star Ricky Evans once played a whole tournament with no pants, because he soiled himself after eating a âdodgy McDonaldsâ and didnât have any spares.
đ Happy birthday to Slavia Sofiaâs first choice goalkeeper Georgi Petkov, who turned 50 this week. Heâs the oldest footballer currently playing for a top-flight side.
đ Get The Upshot ad-free twice a week when you upgrade to Upshot Gold.
AND FINALLYâŠ
đȘȘ Licence to drill
Congratulations to Mr. Philipp Wank, who recently received his UEFA A Licence from the Football Association of Wales.
Wonder if heâs ever crossed paths with Jakob Wanker.
Thatâs it for today. Thanks to Hugo.
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