FOOTBALL

👨‍👦 Joao could you?

Sure, Ronaldinho was the most exhilarating player of his generation. But there was always one big “what if” in his career.

Back in 2011, Ronnie turned down a move to Steve Kean’s Blackburn Rovers, denying us the mouthwatering prospect of the World Cup winner linking up with Brett Emerton and Jason Roberts to battle Wigan for 14th place.

But 13 years on, Ronnie’s Lancashire destiny has finally been realised: his son Joao has signed for the Rovers’ hated rivals Burnley.

So as the young prodigy settles into north west life, we can finally look forward to his celebrated father traversing the West Pennine Moors in a backwards beret, or settling in to Puddleduck’s Tearoom for a Lancashire hotpot.

And hopefully Joao will get more of a chance under Scott Parker than he did at Barcelona.

Earlier this year, Barca’s U19 coaches shunted Joao from his favoured attacking position into a rugged left back role, before dropping him entirely.

And if that wasn’t enough, they even roped him into filming his teammates’ training sessions for the analysts…

OLYMPICS

😡 Ruddy hell, the way he mounted the pommel horse there… got his angles all wrong

If you’ve popped into your local boozer over the past two weeks, you’ll no doubt be familiar with the British public’s exhaustive knowledge of pole vault technique.

Or perhaps you were shocked to discover that Fat Kev - whose previous sporting zenith was the time he got a bullseye after 10 pints of Spitfire - would be doing heptathlon for Team GB if he hadn’t sprained his ankle in 1992.

And it seems that he’s not alone - according to a YouGov poll, 27% of Brits think they could “definitely/ probably” qualify for the 2028 Olympics if they started their training now, including 6% in the 100m.

As Andy Murray put it, “that explains a lot”.

CHESS

☠️ Min girls

Gone are the days when professional chess was the reserve of wizened Uzbeki eagle trainers and battery farmed 8-year-olds.

After 2022’s vibrating anal beads affair, the sport was embroiled in more scandal last year when Chinese champion Yan Chenglong was stripped of his title after celebrating victory by taking a dump in a hotel bathtub.

And now, the once noble sport has been hit by a drama straight out of the Cold War playbook.

At a tournament in Makhachkala last week, Russian champion Amina Abakarova was caught poisoning her opponent by smearing liquid mercury on her board.

When her rival soon went down with dizziness and nausea, tournament organisers checked the CCTV and spotted Amina dousing the board with the toxic substance.

She later admitted she planned to "knock her opponent out of the tournament" to get revenge after “nasty things” were said about her behind her back…

FOOTBALL

👴 Like father like Son

There aren’t many careers where hitting 32 means you’re nervously awaiting your bus to the glue factory.

So you can’t blame Spurs captain Heung Min Son for reacting like this when he was reminded of his age…

SWIMMING

🏊 The Dreyfish affair

As the Paris Olympics drew to a close, there was just time for the River Seine to claim one more victim - Irish gold medalist Daniel Wiffen missed the closing ceremony after being carted off to hospital with a severe stomach infection.

But if you think submerging your head in a turd-riddled Parisian waterway is bad, spare a thought for American marathon swimmer Jim Dreyer.

Last week, the 60-year-old was attempting a frankly stupid three day, 80 mile swim across Lake Michigan, tugging a boat filled with food and supplies.

But after stopping to change the AA batteries in his GPS, Jim accidentally dropped the Duracells into the murky depths, and was left relying solely on a tiny compass on his watch for directions.

He spent half a day swimming the complete wrong way before a rescue boat picked him up, when he admitted his “brain was mush” and he’d been hallucinating about cargo ships and swimming through steel walls.

Makes a bout of E. Coli look like a walk in the park…

💉 Quick hits

🏆 After lifting the UEFA Super Cup this week, Luka Modric is now the most decorated player in Real Madrid’s history.

🎯 Dr Dre is planning to join the US archery team for the 2028 LA Olympics.

🎤 Phil Collins’ son Mathew plays for Austrian Bundesliga side WSG Tirol.

🎣 New Aberdeen signing Topi Keskinen has a tattoo of Wayne Rooney fishing on his arm.

📞 Two weeks ago, England cricket legend Graham Thorpe tragically took his own life. If you or anyone you know is struggling with their mental health, you can contact Samaritans for help and advice. Talking helps.

▶️ This week’s Extra Shot podcast is also available on YouTube. Let us know what you think. (Or get it on your favourite podcast platform here)

AND FINALLY

🌧️ Rayn dance

She may have scored zero points, but at least Raygun inspired a set of novelty windscreen wipers.

That's it for today.

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