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đŹ Quotes of the year

"The good news is people care so much" - Chelsea owner Todd Boehly after fans chanted âBoehly, youâre a cuntâ.
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âOne of his assistants was eating a sandwich at the time, which I thought was a complete lack of respect. Hopefully he enjoyed his sandwich while he was talking to a Premier League manager." - Sheffield United gaffer Chris Wilder on his post-match meeting with the referee.
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"I'm so happy they've got Nandoâsâ - Riyad Mahrezâs wife Taylor Ward on life in Saudi.
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âThe pressure for Phil is if he has to do a press conference about the last book that he read. But football, he loves it." - Pep Guardiola on Phil Foden.
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"He will be an overweight bald nobody soon.â - Kyle Walkerâs former mistress Lauryn Goodman looks into the Man City defenderâs future.
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âHe could have given me 5-6 acres of land, but a buffalo is also fineâ - Pakistani gold medallist Arshad Nadeem thanks his wealthy father-in-law for gifting him a buffalo to congratulate him.
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"When Bin Laden destroyed the Twin Towers, his name was on the front pages of newspapers, and a year later, on 7 October 2002, I was born." - Peruvian footballer Osama Vin Laden explains why his father chose his name.
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âIâm just a happy man. Thatâs my occupationâ - Brooklyn Beckham
đľ Poor bastard of the year

Always a hotly contested category, it was hard to look past Equatorial Guineaâs all-time top scorer Emilio Nsue, whose entire international career was voided by FIFA when they discovered the one minute he played for Spainâs U21s at the 2011 Euros.
The Paris Olympics spawned some strong entries as French pole vaulter Anthony Ammirati saw his dreams come crashing down when his knob knocked off the bar.

Meanwhile, Aussie hockey star Matt Dawson amputated the tip of his finger so an injury wouldnât stop him going to Paris, but was knocked out in the quarter finals, meaning he returned home without a medal, and unable to wipe his own arse.

It was an eventful year for Riyad Mahrezâs wife Taylor Ward who had to endure pornstar Ali-Roseâs podcast appearance recalling the time she turned up to Riyadâs family Eid party and shagged Benjamin Mendy in the loo.
Months later, Taylor burst into tears in front of the Netflix cameras when her husband announced theyâd be relocating to Saudi Arabia. Riyad nonchalantly shrugged âItâs part of the game innitâ.
ESPN pundit Shannon Sharpe accidentally broadcast his bonk to the good people of Instagram when he sat on his phone mid-shag and sent a live stream to 3 million people.

And endurance athlete Jim Dreyer attempted a frankly stupid 80 mile, three day swim across Lake Michigan, only to drop his GPS while changing the batteries. He swam for half a day in the wrong direction, hallucinating about cargo ships, before a rescue boat picked him up.
But this yearâs crown goes to Declan McManus, midfielder for Welsh side The New Saints, who became the first Welsh Premier League side to take part in European competition.
As the minnows took on Italian giants Fiorentina, the tiny village of Llansantffraid-ym-Mechain came to a standstill and Declanâs family huddled round the TV to see the proud McManus name up in lights.
And then it appeared⌠Declan McAnus.

𼸠Lookalike of the year

It was another stellar year for lookalikes, headed up by the Gareth Southgate doppelgänger in the Dortmund polizei during the Euros.
But it wasnât even the best shout in the England camp, an honour that could only go to the feline Phil Foden, AKA Phil Furden.

Over in the States, Taylor Swift was spotted in the stands of an NFL game alongside a figure who may or may not have been Sir Alex Ferguson in a wig.

And Jimmy Bullardâs long-lost twin popped up at the darts.

But this yearâs crown was shared between Olympic hero Snoop Dogg and Britainâs post-war Prime Minister, architect of the welfare state, Mr Clement Attlee.

UPSHOT PODCAST
đď¸ Drug smuggling, sex tapes and deeply depressing benders

Coke smuggling wingers. Referees in sex tapes. And Marcus Rashfordâs deeply depressing bender in Belfast.
Itâs been a vintage year for sporting scandal. So if youâre craving more, we dive into the last 12 months of drama on our latest podcast.
đ Biggest wrongâun
With three time champion Kyle Walker busy paying off his mistress, a new generation of dirty dogs, terrifying criminals and straight-up bastards fought it out for this coveted gong.
We started the year at breakneck pace as former Scottish rugby captain Stuart Hogg celebrated getting his trotters on an MBE by drunkenly swinging a punch at his brother during a family row.
Unfortunately, he missed and ended up decking his own mother.
England star Billy Vunipola showed her how to take a blow, soaking up two 50,000 volt hits from a taser after getting into a scrap with nightclub staff in Majorca.
The second shock left him thrashing around like a tranquillised wildebeest, and it took nine Spanish coppers to tackle him to the ground.

That same month, big Jim Ratcliffe sunk his claws into Man United. He started in ominous fashion, branding club facilities âcrapâ and forcing staff at the sinking superclub to scavenge hospitality leftovers next to the bogs.
And then the purges began. By the end of the year, Ratcliffe had sacked the kitman, the beloved club historian and even Sir Alex Ferguson himself.
In the dirty dog subcategory, Jermaine Jenas and Christian Horner pinged out horny texts to junior staff, while Sadio Mane married his wife shortly after her 18th birthday.

At the pettier end of the spectrum, Cameroon FA chief Samuel Etoâo fell out with his national teamâs manager and retaliated by hiding his entire set of training gear, including kits and balls, and cancelling the team bus.
And former Canada snowboarder Ryan Wedding pulled off an exciting career change: smuggling tonnes of cocaine and ordering four executions on behalf of the Sinoloa Cartel.
Somehow, all that pales in comparison to the cold-blooded cruelty of this yearâs champion, Russian chess star Amina Abakarova.
After learning her opponent was bad-mouthing her, she did what you or I would do: poisoned her with mercury.

Amina insisted she just wanted to âknock her out the tournamentâ. Probably didnât need to knock out her central nervous system as wellâŚ
đĽ Roguest Ref
With the introduction of VAR and even a TV show dedicated to scrutinising their mistakes, it feels as if referees are under more pressure than ever before. Perhaps thatâs why so many went off the rails this year.
Whatever the reason, itâs inspired us to create a brand new award: Roguest Ref.

No one tried harder in this category than Englandâs David Coote, who started laying the groundwork for his nomination back in 2020, when he called Jurgen Klopp a âGerman cuntâ on camera during a sesh.
Add to that a video of him snorting lines of gear at the Euros, plus his brief flirtation with match fixing, and heâs more than earned his honourable mention.
There was nothing flirtatious about the match fixing allegations facing The Netherlandsâ Jan Smit, who sent off three players and signalled 15 minutes added time, clearing the way for league leaders Sint George to score a late equaliser and snatch the Dutch fourth tier title.
After that, Jan slipped on his weed leaf shirt and jumped on stage to join the celebrations, lifting the trophy and grabbing the mic to sing a song.

Turkeyâs Elif Karaarslan got a lifetime ban earlier this year when a (possibly AI) video emerged of her knobbing her 61-year-old boss, referees chief Orhan Erdemir.
Our runner up also sacrificed everything in the name of love. Mexicoâs Rosario Cardenas was sacked after failing to show up for a top-flight game in October, citing mysterious âmedical reasonsâ.
It turns out Cardenas missed the game after getting drugged and robbed by an escort he hired to âkeep him companyâ in his hotel the night before the game.
But only one nation can claim the inaugural Golden Whistle, and naturally our victors are Spanish: Pajares Paz and his pet parrot.
Paz got into a spot of bother back in October, when he appeared live on the unhinged football chat show El Chiringuito. As fellow guests were interrupted by the sound of whistling coming from Pajaresâ home, the former ref was seen furiously shushing someone off-screen.

The culprit turned out to be his pet parrot, who was whistling a popular Real Madrid anthemâŚ
We were going to use this ad spot to flog Upshot Gold memberships with the promise of some godawful sex scandal, but last night we were visited by three Christmas spirits.
So instead, weâre encouraging you to give to the Trussell Trust, a charity which offers emergency help to people left without enough money to live on.
No one should spend Christmas hungry, so if youâve got a few quid left after shelling out on the MrBeast Lab Cryo Set for your gormless niece, then please consider donating.
đą Sportsperson of the year
Finally, the biggest prize of them all.
We put a shortlist of four to our Upshot Gold members to decide who would take the crown from last yearâs winner: the naked streaker in a wheelchair.
And the results are inâŚ
4) Seth Rider (9%)

After watching his Olympic rivals poisoned by the turd-riddled Seine, American triathlete Seth Rider had a brainwave:
We know that there's going to be some E coli exposure, so I just try to increase my E coli threshold by exposing myself in your day-to-day life. Just little things like not washing your hands after you go to the bathroom.
And thanks to a long week licking toilet seats and sniffing dog turds in the Bois de Boulogne, he bagged a silver medal in Paris. Sadly, he narrowly missed the podium in our poll.
3) Dallas Seavy (20%)

Anyone who signs up to race 1,500 miles through the frozen Alaskan wilderness, battling white out blizzards and -73°C temperatures while riding on a flimsy sled dragged by 16 ravenous dogs, needs to get their head checked.
But fair play to Dallas Seavey, who did just that and won a record 6th Iditarod this year, in a race that saw him forced to kill and gut a deranged moose that got entangled in his ropes.
When race organisers arrived to collect the half ton carcass, they ruled it was âinsufficiently guttedâ and slapped Dallas with a two hour penalty, but he recovered to win anyway.
2) Quincy Promes (32%)

By all rights, Quincy Promes should be in jail by now. The Spartak Moscow winger was convicted in the Netherlands of smuggling 1,300kg of cocaine and stabbing his cousin in the leg.
All he had to do was stay in Russia and out of trouble. But a âhit and run incidentâ during a training camp in Dubai saw Spartak cut Quincy loose, and he was soon fighting extradition.
So you have to applaud him for rocking up to a corporate 7 a side tournament in the gulf state, banging them in for an office rental firm and posing for photos after. For his sheer audacity, Quincy is a worthy nominee.
But this yearâs winner isâŚ
1) Jordan Evans (39%)

Even League One clubs have been corrupted by the Hollywood elite, so itâs comforting to know things are still as they should be lower down the pyramid.
No one epitomised this more in 2024 than Baglan Dragons supersub Jordan Evans, who completed the perfect non-league hat-trick back in September: a goal, an assist and arrested before the final whistle.
Evans trotted onto the pitch in the 52nd minute with his side trailing 3-1, then proceeded to set up two goals and net the winner. In minute 85, he was dragged off the pitch in cuffs by two coppers, who questioned him over a theft at the station.
The new club legend was released without charge.
đ Quick hit awards
𼸠Social media manager of the year: Sunderland gaffer Michael Beale, who was caught using a fake Twitter account to slag off fans and defend his record. He lasted 63 days.
đ The Icardashian Cup for Star-Crossed Lovers: Spainâs teenage sensation Lamine Yamal and his ex-girlfriend, who broke up because she sat on another boyâs knee.
đ§ââď¸Best belated romantic gesture: NBA legend Lamar Odom, who commissioned an $8k sex doll of his ex-girlfriend Khloe Kardashian, eight years after they broke up.
đ The Neymar Shield for Dysfunctional Families: Neymar, who peeled away from singing his daughter happy birthday to place a bet in online pokerâŚ

đ Most inappropriate mascot: QPRâs Jude the Cat, who was sacked for âflirting with female fansâ.
đŚ Gianni Infantino Award for Blatant Corruption: After her nil points at the Olympics, Raygun somehow finished the year ranked world number one in breakdancing.
đ¤ Most valuable brand ambassador: Geoff Hurst, who repeatedly mentioned Budweiser during a live Sky Sports interview.
đŞ Criminal mastermind of the year: Leroy Lita, accused of playing knockdown ginger on his way home from Barwell Town training sessions.
đââď¸ Best barnet: Landon Donavonâs unorthodox - or should we say Orthodox - trim at this yearâs Euros.

AND FINALLY
đ¤ Whipping boys

After watching his side lose to Al-Hilal in the Saudi Cup final, an Al-Ittihad fan pulled out his cat oâ nine tails to give 50 lashings to midfielder Abderrazak Hamdallah.
That's it for this year. Thank you all for reading, sending stories and pouncing on our errors in the TV guide. See you in 2025.
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