FOOTBALL

⛓️ Charlie’s angels

It’s the hot new marketing tactic for morally dubious brands: rope in a bunch of retired sports stars and washed up celebs to post TikTok videos plugging your cause.

Supreme CBD have mopped up all the conspiracy theorists.

Saudi Arabia have bagged Chris Smalling.

And now, rather fittingly, the Free Charles Bronson campaign has assembled a ragtag group of athletes with a history of psychotic violence.

Stars currently batting for the release of Britain’s most notorious prisoner include Dennis Wise, Derek Chisora, Tyson Fury and Tyson’s uncle Peter Fury - a reformed drug baron who was banged up for a decade for smuggling amphetamines.

Perhaps the biggest name offering his support (who admittedly isn’t a violent psychopath) is John Terry, who recorded a heartfelt message over saccharine piano music, telling Charles it was “time to come home”.

But our favourite video came from former West Ham man Neil Ruddock, who had this to say to Bronson:

PHOTOGRAPHY

📸 Mum, you forgot to top up my phone again

There was an excellent story about Brooklyn Beckham in last week’s Popbitch, recalling a faintly embarrassing incident from 2018.

Back then, the young esquire was still an aspiring photographer, and he was thrilled when he managed to bag a gig shooting Sabrina Carpenter for a glossy music mag.

Unfortunately, things got off to a rocky start: Brooklyn didn’t bring a single correct lens, and the shoot was delayed for an hour while someone was despatched to sort it out.

No such problems in Brooklyn’s current career as a professional chef - we hear he always remembers to bring his trusty ketchup - but his forgetful streak has got him into trouble in his personal life.

According to witnesses at his wedding to billionaire heiress Nicola Peltz, Brooklyn jotted down his entire groom’s speech on his iPhone notes so he didn’t have to memorise it.

He stood up to address his friends, family, and doting fiancé, looked down at his phone and…… realised he’d forgotten to charge it.

FOOTBALL

🚨 Geordie tour

Rough old trip to Marseille for 3,000 Newcastle fans, who were teargassed by ultras and kettled by riot police, before having their hearts broken by 36-year-old Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang.

But there was a silver lining for two passionate Geordies, who caught each other’s eye in the stands before slinking off to the bogs for what’s been described as a “lurid sex act”.

The bathroom tryst clearly went to the bloke’s head, because 15 minutes later he was spotted scrapping with cops inside the Stade Vélodrome.

Meanwhile, the home supporters were displaying similarly chaotic behaviour after the match. Here they are commandeering a rubbish truck:

SNOWBOARDING

🏂 White Wedding

One-time Olympic snowboarder Ryan Wedding has been at the top of the FBI’s most wanted list for some time now.

And considering he’s accused of running a violent international drug ring, smuggling tons of cocaine and ordering at least four gruesome killings, you’d be hard-pushed to feel sorry for him.

Until you hear the legal advice he’s been getting.

Wedding’s lawyer was, until very recently, a man named Deepak Paradkar, who’s now in police custody awaiting extradition to the US.

Paradkar is charged with playing a role in his client’s criminal organisation, including advising Wedding to murder a key witness.

He allegedly told Ryan: “if you kill this witness, the case will be dismissed.”

Which turned out to be bad advice - Ryan did murder the witness and his lawyer is now in police custody.

To be fair, Paradkar isn’t exactly your typical Yale Law School graduate. He used to post on social media under the handle @cocaine_lawyer, and clients paid for his services with luxury watches…

FOOTBALL

🎱 Balls up

After the spectacular implosion of Sky Sports Halo last week, you’d have thought the blazers at the Women's Super League would be on high-alert, careful to portray their product with the gravity it deserves.

Instead, they decided to host the draw for the Women's League Cup on TikTok, from a branch of Subway, with Strictly Come Dancing star GK Barry.

The stream quickly came under fire for Barry’s sub-Carry On gags, including:

And for her reference to a famous anti-Tottenham chant, which drew the ire of the club.

Next time the WSL should probably go with a safer pair of hands. Someone serious, with a knighthood or something.

💉 Quick hits

🎟️ Don’t forget your tickets to Upshot Live. Dublin has already sold out and there are hardly any left for London.

😢 After losing 4-1 at home to PSV, Liverpool have now conceded three or more goals in three consecutive games for the first time since 1992.

🎛️ Paul Scholes thinks Liverpool’s demise is down to Arne Slot DJ’ing in Ibiza last season, something he described as “disrespectful” and “classless”.

🟥 FIFA have handed Cristiano Ronaldo a three-game ban for his red card against Ireland. Kind of. He’s already missed one match against Armenia, and the remaining two games will be deferred for a year, meaning he won’t miss any of the World Cup. Convenient.

🦉 Sheffield Wednesday have received a £20 million takeover bid from… Mike Ashley.

♟️ Also from Popbitch: a 15-year-old Iranian chess prodigy recently beat world #1 Magnus Carlson. His name was Sina Movahed (as in, seen a move ahead).

🔑 Get The Upshot ad-free twice a week when you upgrade to Upshot Gold.

AND FINALLY…

🎉 Bota Go Go

Botafogo's Cuiabano celebrating a goal by dancing with the club’s cheerleaders.