FOOTBALL

⛳ Par for the course

Whether he’s stubbing out cigars in his teammate’s eyes or scrapping with teenage boys outside McDonald's, Joey Barton likes to keep his lawyers busy.

But even by those standards, his learned friends have had a hectic week.

Joey was due in court on Tuesday for the conclusion of his long-running libel case with Eni Aluko, which started when he called her the “Rose West of football commentary”.

Unfortunately, neither Joey nor his lawyers could make it, because they were busy trying to bail the former Man City man out of prison.

Barton was arrested on Sunday, charged with assaulting a bloke at a golf course.

And on Tuesday, Aluko’s lawyer got a call from the police station saying he wasn’t going to make their hearing.

In his absence, Joey lost the case and was ordered to pay Eni £339,000.

Couldn’t have happened to a nicer bloke…

CRICKET

🤯 Return of the Mac

When Aussie cricket legend Stu MacGill was unveiled as the new co-host of the Cricket Unfiltered podcast last month, there were a few doubters.

The former leg spinner narrowly avoided jail last year for his part in a botched $660k cocaine deal, which culminated in him getting kidnapped at gunpoint.

Did he really have the calm, affable personality needed to front an award-winning pod?

Well, four shows in, we’re happy to report he does not.

Stu had the mother of all meltdowns this week, after his co-host referenced an incident from 2018, when South African fans taunted Aussie cricketer David Warner about his wife shagging a rugby player.

The full clip is really worth a watch - highlights include Stu branding his co-host “pig-headed” and a “fucking idiot”, before threatening to “jump across the mic any second” and then storming off set.

Somehow the duo are now back recording episodes together. We give it two weeks.

FOOTBALL

🥊 Radio violence

Speaking of on-air meltdowns, former Spurs midfielder Jamie O’Hara was sliiiiightly miffed about his old side’s capitulation at Atletico Madrid in the week.

He was doing some punditry on Talksport after the game, but ended up marching off set because of some light ribbing from his co-host Jason Cundy, who for some reason was sporting an Ange Postecoglou mask.

It was all slightly embarrassing, but as Talksport meltdowns go, it was small fry.

Back in the early noughties, ex-Ireland striker Tony Cascarino had a freakout for the ages, when co-host Patrick Kinghorn accused him of having a wandering eye live on-air.

After a heated discussion during the next commercial break, a seemingly remorseful Kinghorn returned to say sorry to his co-host.

At this, Tony leaped across the desk and punched Kinghorn in the face.

The pair continued to brawl through the next set of ads, before resuming their show a few minutes later with cuts and bruises all over their bodies.

FOOTBALL

🗺️ Devon knows I’m miserable now

As the Barcelona faithful descended on Newcastle on Tuesday night, they were looking forward to glimpsing the Angel of the North, scoffing a Greggs steak slice and maybe snaffling a selfie with Ant and/or Dec.

But one Catalan supporter was left bitterly disappointed after travelling to the wrong St. James’ Park, 366 miles away in Exeter.

According to an Exeter City employee, the Barca fan only realised his error when he showed his Champions League ticket to gate staff.

Fortunately for the fan, Exeter happened to be playing Lincoln City that evening, and the club kindly gave him a ticket, telling him he’d be "welcome back anytime".

Considering he witnessed a turgid 1-0 defeat in the South Devon drizzle, that probably won’t be anytime soon.

FOOTBALL

🍆 Prolific finisher

In Sunday League, it’s pretty normal for a few unfamiliar faces to make up the numbers at the last minute.

So when a fella called Adam ran out for Mickelover FC in the East Midlands Veterans League last week, there was nothing unusual about it.

Still, his teammates couldn’t help noticing a few giggles on the sidelines. And now that they thought about it, there was something eerily familiar about their new striker.

But it wasn’t until they got into the showers after the match - and Adam unfurled his enormous 9.5 inch knob - that the penny dropped.

Their star ringer was in fact pornstar Keiran Lee. Apparently he’s quite a handy player, scoring four in his last ten appearances.

But if he offers to give you a medical, best ignore him…

💉 Quick hits

🎂 Neymar just missed a match on his sister’s birthday for the 11th time in 12 seasons.

🐎 Welsh jockey Sean Bowen, who’s racing later today in the Cheltenham Gold Cup, is allergic to horses.

✍️ Graham Potter has extended his contract with Sweden until 2030.

🔑 Get The Upshot ad-free twice a week when you upgrade to Upshot Gold.

AND FINALLY…

✍️ Remember the name

Congratulations to young winger Jakob Wanker, who just signed a new contract with Austrian giants Linzer ASK.