FOOTBALL

⚖️ Why can’t I have everything I want all the time? Isn’t that democracy?

Since being sentenced to six years in prison for cocaine smuggling in his native Netherlands, Quincy Promes and his lawyers have been working round the clock, searching for any legal loophole that could end his exile in the UAE.

Then, just when they’d finished poring over every issue of the Amsterdammer Law Journal and it looked like all hope was lost, the Dutch striker had a brainwave.

What if he returned to the Netherlands and - wait for it - the local authorities didn’t arrest him?

Quincy filed a formal request to return to his home country this week, politely asking if Dutch police could not slap him in cuffs the second he steps off the plane.

He later clarified his demands on a Dutch TV chat show:

Unsurprisingly, his request was swiftly declined by the Amsterdam Court of Appeal.

And it gets worse for old Quincy… Last night, Dubai police arrested him as part of the process to extradite him to the Netherlands.

SNOOKER

🫦 Smashing bottom

Luca Brecel is spunking his entire winnings on supercars, and Kyren Wilson is scrapping with Portuguese police because he doesn’t want to pay full price for his donor kebabs.

Yep, it looks like snooker is getting back to its unhinged ‘80s heyday.

But the sport is still lacking a certified super hunk, who can get bums on seats and broaden the game’s appeal beyond middle-aged blokes with a passion for Ruddles Best.

Enter 69-year-old veteran Tony Knowles, who’s looking to make a return to the World Snooker Tour circuit after 24 years out.

Back in his ‘80s pomp, the Bolton star was a drop-dead-gorgeous sex symbol, particularly popular with grandmothers thanks to his “cherubic cheeks and smashing bottom”.

But he upset them in 1984, when he gave a tell-all interview to a UK tabloid, detailing his sexual exploits and calling himself the "hottest pot in snooker”.

And this was the accompanying picture…

He was handed a hefty fine for bringing snooker into disrepute.

But now the silver fox is back, and he’s bringing his tight little ass with him.

FOOTBALL

 🍳 Class A Basics

Speaking of ‘80s pinups, there’s a great video of Diego Maradona doing the rounds this week, showing a day in the life of the Argentine star in 1997.

Rudely awoken at 10:28, he spends 25 minutes shouting unintelligible things at himself in the mirror, before eating an omelette and leaving the house at 11:30 to go on a leisurely drive.

Our favourite part is when the interviewer tries to turn down the latin music blaring out of Diego’s car stereo.

Maradona refuses, declaring “there’s a nightclub in me”, before having a little boogie in the front seat.

It’s a shame he never got the chance to share his routine on Jake Humphrey’s High Performance Podcast…

FOOTBALL

🔫 Licence to drill

Wouldn’t want the hairdryer treatment from this coach in Tanzania.

The Desert Eagle tucked into the waistband of his suit trousers will take the headlines, but we’re more intrigued by his incredibly long tie…

RUGBY

🥃 It’s what he would have wanted. And he also would have wanted to browse in privacy with Nord VPN.

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AND FINALLY…

🍪 Your Champions League exits are located here, here and here

Arsenal keeper David Raya, dressed as an air stewardess, serving cookies to fellow passengers en route to his stag do in Las Vegas.