There’s someone in the boot

Roberto Firmino's lizard mating ritual

💬 Quote of the day

“My mouth is very dry because I’ve had a line of cocaine” - an unexpected line from an Aussie cricket commentator.


👨‍👧‍👦 Brood of heaven

“Louis Rees-Zammit needs a miracle to make it in the NFL,” crowed the Guardian yesterday, after the Welsh wonderkid quit rugby for American football.

But while clueless British fans speculate about his vertical jump height and receiving yardage, Louis will soon learn the stats that really matter in a locker room of 140kg blokes with names like General Booty.

Sure, he’s got a sizeable arse, and there are those rumours about him and Emma Radacanu, but if Louis wants to make it in the NFL, he’s gotta post real numbers.

Last week we revealed married Miami Dolphins star Tyreek Hill (pictured above) had fathered three children with different mothers since September.

But it turns out those are rookie stats - four different women are currently pregnant by Tyreek’s teammate Xavien Howard.

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🤕 Albert Scare

Wesley Fofana has endured a miserable 18 months since joining Chelsea for £70 million.

And the injured defender’s quest to get back in fans’ good books suffered another blow when he accidentally ran over beloved Eastenders actor Dean Gaffney.

After a long night chirpsing on Chelsea’s Kings Road, the soap star was innocently hailing a cab when Fofana’s Lamborghini crashed into him, “catapulting him into the air”.

Fortunately, Dean escaped with a broken collarbone, but concerns immediately turned to the whereabouts of Wellard, Gaffney’s iconic on-screen dog and, you’ll no doubt recall, winner of 2008 British Soap Awards “best pet”.

But we’re sorry to report Wellard has been dead for 16 years, after succumbing to chocolate poisoning in a storyline described by critics as “the death of the best actor in the show”.


🍔 Living like Savages

As the son of Premier League legend Robbie, Charlie Savage is used to the high life, eating gold-plated tomahawk steaks on private jets to the Maldives as waistcoated underlings crack open Veuve Clicquot magnums with a samurai sword.

But since signing for League One strugglers Reading, Charlie’s discovered how the other half live.

The cash-strapped club have closed the (admittedly suspect) training ground canteen and replaced it with a couple of dodgy microwaves they picked up off a bloke in the car park of Basildon Services.

And while the players are living off Rustlers burgers and clammy lasagna, management staff have been tucking into half-thawed cottage pie in coats and hats because the club is refusing to turn on the heating in the offices.

No word on the training pitches, but we hear Zippo’s Circus are looking for a venue…


🚗 Troy of the Rovers

Beneath his hulking physique and tough exterior, Troy Deeney always seemed like a gentle soul.

But management does strange things to people.

Troy was sacked by League Two tofu-munchers Forest Green Rovers last night after 29 chaotic days in charge, in which he earned a four-match ban for “abusive and threatening” behaviour and delivered the season’s most brutal post-match interview.

After defeat to Harrogate, Troy branded his right back “awful”, his players “inmates running the jail”, claimed the club had “babies top to bottom”, and insisted he would “rather watch Antiques Roadshow” than his side.

It seemed a little harsh, although we shouldn’t be too surprised - Troy’s no stranger to unorthodox motivational methods.

In his memoirs, he recounted this sinister tale of his Dad collecting him from training in a "borrowed" Mercedes:

He had the music turned up loud and everything was cool and we chatted about the game. Then we stopped to get ­petrol. The music went off and I heard this banging coming from behind.

"Don’t worry about that," he said.

"Look" he said, "there’s someone in there but I’m going to drop him off in a bit. He owes my pal some money so I’ve taken him on a little journey for the day.

“I’ve fed him and that and he’s fine. We’ll drop him off later and I bet he pays."

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As one listener described it, "like Have I Got News For You but without the pensioners".


🦎 This isn’t Pontefract high street pal

As Jordan Henderson returns from ending homophobia in the Gulf, he’s not the only Liverpool legend who’s tired of playing in front of 624 fans.

Just six months after swapping the Albert Docks for the Al Alawi Souq, Roberto Firmino is pushing for a move back to the Premier League.

The porcelain-toothed Brazilian is warming the bench at Al-Ahli, and his family have “struggled to adjust to life in Jeddah”.

That shouldn’t come as a huge surprise - Jeddah is the gateway to two of Islam’s holiest cities, so we can’t imagine Bobby’s horrible lizard tongue mating ritual goes down too well in the local shopping mall…

💉 Quick hits

🏠 Harry Kane’s new house in Munich was used in a romcom about a sperm donor who “accidentally gets a vasectomy from a ferret”.

💸 Charlie Savage is stuck on 14 league starts for Reading, because if he makes another it will trigger a £2,000 pay rise.

🍗 Man United served raw chicken to guests at a healthy and safety event.

🏏 Three years ago West Indies debutant Shamar Joseph was a bodyguard who had only ever bowled with a tape ball. This week, he got Steve Smith out with his first ball in test cricket and went on to take five wickets.

🍆 Dean Gaffney calls his penis Wellard.

🤑 Just a few months after saying he’d never work in Saudi because of their human rights record, Real Madrid midfielder Toni Kroos is the new face of Visit Dubai.

👨‍👦‍👦 Roberto Carlos has 11 children from 7 different mothers.

On The Upshot podcast this week:


🥸 I knew you were Fergie when you walked in

That's it for today. Thanks to Dan, Richard and George.

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