UPSHOT EXCLUSIVE

🍔 I said no cutlery

Stroll through Hampstead on a Sunday morning, and you might catch Helena Bonham Carter walking her Tibetan Terriers, while Will Self and Slavoj Žižek debate post-structuralism over a matcha latte.

So locals were spitting out their seeded sourdough on Sunday when a 6ft 2in hardman headbutted a Deliveroo driver outside a beloved artisan cafe.

And it turned out the raging local was none other than heavyweight boxer Derek Chisora, whose invite to the summer fete is now looking very shaky.

In a video published exclusively by The Upshot, Chisora is seen barking “get the fuck off me, bro” before smashing the hapless rider with his noggin.

An eyewitness tells us: “Derek absolutely lost it because the Deliveroo guy was cycling on the pavement and got in his way”.

Either that or his chips were cold…

FOOTBALL

👩‍🎓 Girl, you’ll be a woMané soon

The hibiscus flower water was flowing in the Mané household last week as Sadio’s 18-year-old wife graduated from high school.

Aisha Tamba got herself a distinction, which must feel particularly rewarding for the former Liverpool forward, who’s been paying for her school fees.

Not sure Aisha will be heading off to Malia to guzzle buckets of lurid cocktails with the girls though - when they got married in January, one of Sadio’s pals told the press: “He is a pious man and wanted a pious woman”.

He also revealed that the couple had met in 2020, when Aisha would have been 14, and praised his friend’s religious character:

To be fair, nightclubs would’ve been a waste of time - they’re strictly 18+.

Mark Manson is the bestselling author of The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck. His newsletter, The Breakthrough, might change your life in just five minutes each week.

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FOOTBALL

👻 Were you the one chucking the cups at me?

After a long summer dodging plastic cups and trusting the process, Gareth Southgate is probably looking forward to a bit of peace and quiet at his home in the Yorkshire Dales.

But if the outgoing England boss is hoping to curl up in the rose garden with an Earl Grey and Jake Humphrey’s latest pod, he’ll be disappointed.

According to local legend, Southgate’s mansion is haunted by the ghost of Henry Robinson, a 17th century rogue who made his fortune looting the homes of plague victims.

Robinson is said to wander the grounds of the 4.5 acre property, although Gareth should have him standing still in no time.

FOOTBALL

👬 A Grav mistake

Among the bookies’ favourites to replace Gareth is England under 21s gaffer Lee Carsley.

Lee’s appointment would disappoint fans praying for Klopp or Bielsa, but perhaps it’s finally his turn to get an unexpected big move.

Back in 2005, Carsley ran Everton’s midfield with doppelgänger Thomas Gravesen as they finished fourth in the league.

And when Real Madrid made a surprise move for the Danish headcase, rumours circulated that the Spanish giants had accidentally signed the wrong bald midfield enforcer.

Even Toffees manager David Moyes was confused. He said later:

FOOTBALL

💔 Happily Evra after

Just when we were lamenting the lack of sordid scandal in the French camp, one of the old guard has popped up to show the youngsters how it’s done.

Patrice Evra was handed a suspended jail sentence this week for “abandoning his family” and failing to pay £800k child support to his ex-wife.

And the former United defender responded to the verdict like any sane adult would: he posted a video of himself dancing around to 2Pac with handcuffs, an orange jumpsuit, and one shoe on.

He captioned the clip: "Let me shutdown this rubbish news: look how much I enjoyed myself in prison.”

💉 Quick hits

⚔️ Colombia’s FA president was arrested for fighting at the Copa America final.

🤵‍♂️ In 1953, Matt Busby tried to sign Sean Connery for Man United. He turned them down.

💸 Ghanaian second tier side Steadfast FC have received £7 million from a sell-on clause after Abdul Fatawu joined Leicester. Until now, the biggest transfer fee they’d ever received was £25,000.

💒 The wedding of Euro 2024 star Ianis Hagi was shown on Romanian national television.

🏆 Lego made a replica of the Wimbledon trophy for this year’s winner, Barbora Krejcikova…

🔑 You can get The Upshot three times a week when you sign up for Upshot Gold

AND FINALLY

🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿 Ayr Toon Centre

That's it for today. Thanks to Duane, James and Sam.