FOOTBALL

🎂 Very specific chest dimensions

For most teenage boys, a successful 18th party means a bit of flirty vape sharing with that girl from geography, and your mum’s cat surviving the night without getting puked on.

But Lamine Yamal isn’t most people. The Barcelona starlet became a man last weekend, and celebrated with an extravagant gangster-themed bash at a Catalan villa.

Guests included a handful of his Barca teammates, a gaggle of influencers and Spanish pop stars, and - according to model Claudia Calvo - a busload of blonde escorts:

And a few TikTok hotties weren’t the only party guests causing a stir.

Lamine is facing a backlash from a Spanish organisation representing people with dwarfism, because he hired a team of little people to dance, give away shots and do magic tricks.

The Spanish government is now demanding an investigation, which makes your mum complaining about the WKD Blue stain on her favourite rug feel a bit tame…

FOOTBALL

🏆 Pul the other one

The annals of American soccer are littered with icons: Brad Guzan, Freddy Adu, DaMarcus Beasley.

And now the ESPN Awards - America’s most prestigious sporting gongs - have anointed a new hero.

Past winners of their Best Soccer Player award include Lionel Messi and Kylian Mbappe, but who would be crowned this year? Lamine Yamal? Vinicius Jr?

Er, Christian Pulisic, who led AC Milan to an historic 8th-place finish in Serie A.

To be fair, it’s not America’s first offence on this front…

FOOTBALL

📬 Thanks for calling Crystal Palace. If your call is about Europa League eligibility, please consult the FAQ section of our website

We might not understand all their placards, but anyone can appreciate Palace fans’ fury after their club was booted out of the Europa League this week.

Sharing a Yank owner with French side Lyon is a poor reason to deny Rob Holding a shot at European glory, but in fairness, Palace didn’t exactly help themselves.

The club missed several emails from UEFA reminding them of the rules, because the address they provided to receive crucial updates was ‘[email protected]’.

As journalist Nick Miller put it in the Athletic:

Forcing UEFA president Alexander Ceferin to discuss the matter with Palace’s AI chatbot probably didn’t help their case…

FOOTBALL

🦁 Mane man

It was all smiles for Oxford United boss Gary Rowett, as his side arrived for a preseason tour of Indonesia.

He even received a traditional welcome at the first press conference, where he was held aloft astride a nodding, model lion.

But sadly, things went downhill from there.

The U's first game was interrupted by a floodlight failure, and their second - against Thai side Port FC - was marred by “monsoon rain of epic proportions”.

Port ended up scoring a winner during the deluge…

BILLIONAIRES

🏝️ Branson’s pickle

It’s been a big week for Richard Branson cosying up to sports stars.

He popped up with Oleksandr Usyk in Trafalgfar Square, and invited Palace winger Eberechi Eze to Majorca for a series of chess games.

He lost 3-2 and swilled Ebs with his glass of water, but it was all very good natured.

Which isn’t always the case when Richard lures famous guests to one of his island lairs…

Back in 2010, Branson invited Joss Stone and her band to a party at Necker Island, his private Caribbean paradise.

And when they arrived, he took a particular shine to Stone’s backup singer, Antonia Jenae. She later recalled:

A spokesperson for Branson said he has “no recollection of this matter”.

HORSE RACING

🏇 A horse, a horse, my kingdom for a horse

A group of Peruvian jockeys raced without horses for a charity event this week.

Fortunately no one fell over, and there wasn’t a green tent in sight.

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AND FINALLY…

😏 Cottagers