FOOTBALL

🧿 Music when De Ligts go out

It started innocently enough. Matthijs De Ligt was fine with his wife flicking through the horoscopes before bed, and he didn’t even mind when she hung an evil eye beside the window.

But then came the healing crystals and weekend trips to unclog the Lancashire ley line network. She was taking the piss!

That’s right, Matthijs has reportedly left his wife after one year of marriage, because he’s sick of her spiritual lifestyle and beliefs.

The couple got married in an intimate ceremony last summer, and were due to celebrate their nuptials this month with a wider group of family and friends.

But because she’s into crystals and tarot cards, he’s instead jetted off to Ibiza by himself.

He should probably stay clear of Benirrás Beach, where we hear “shamanic drumming” is all the rage…

FOOTBALL

🏩 My Female Body Inspector t-shirt was in the wash

In his 80s pomp, Fluminense manager Renato Gaúcho used to strut around Rio de Janeiro in a t-shirt that read “Sex Instructor, First Class Is Free”.

But we all made fashion faux pas in our youth, and surely he’s mellowed in middle age, right?

Not quite.

After his side pulled off a low-possession smash-and-grab win over Inter this week, an old clip of Renato resurfaced from his time at Grêmio.

In it, he explains his footballing philosophy, using a very questionable metaphor about womanising:

Renato claims to have slept with over 5,000 women, so it’s little wonder he thinks exclusively in sleazy allegories…

FOOTBALL

 🤴 Prince Charming

Al Hilal’s shock win over Man City felt like the moment Saudi football finally came of age.

But it’s been a rocky journey. Just ask Eamonn O'Keefe, the first European player to sign for Al Hilal back in 1976.

Formerly a non-league journeyman, Eamonn got a lucrative contract when he joined, as well as a flash car and plush accommodation for him and his family.

He also struck up a friendship with the club’s owner, Prince Abdullah bin Nasser, and soon he was enjoying private jets, five-star hotels, and glass-bottomed boat rides.

Then, things got awkward.

After a night at the casino, Abdullah turned to Eamonn, cigarettes and Johnnie Walker on his breath, and whispered: "I've been meaning to tell you something."

He put his hand on Eamonn's shoulder. "I am finding that I love you."

Eamonn replied: "You mean - like a brother?"

"No," said Abdullah. "Not like a brother."

Eamonn politely turned him down but - terrified of the repercussions - he fled Saudi soon after.

WEED BOXING

⚡ Spark it up

By now, ping pong shows and sedated elephants are old hat on Thailand’s gringo trail.

So in a bid to entertain backpackers, enterprising tour reps have cooked up a new sadistic spectacle: weed boxing.

It’s just like regular boxing, except fighters are forced to "smoke a bong or a joint" before each bout.

It sounds simple enough, but it’s not without its hazards.

As Russian fighter Ivan Parshikov found out this week, when he tried to celebrate a victory.

He climbed up on the ropes, gripped onto the ringside light and… electrocuted himself and fell to the ground after briefly losing consciousness.

Fortunately he made a speedy recovery…

FOOTBALL

👴🏻 Union busters

It was the last day of the over 50s season and Union Berlin’s survival hopes depended on their old Cold War rivals, Hertha.

Only a six goal defeat for Hertha would see Union relegated.

And with 15 mins to go, it was looking good: Hertha were leading by two goals.

But then the unthinkable happened.

They conceded eight unanswered goals in the final quarter of an hour, losing the game 12-6 and condemning Union to relegation.

Unsurprisingly, Union Over 50s have now filed an official complaint accusing their rivals of match fixing…

FOOTBALL

🎰 Russian roulette

Here’s your friendly reminder that people will bet on absolutely anything.

Across Russia, thousands of people are being paid minimum wage to play five, three and even one-a-side football games, just so the matches can be streamed on the extremely shady gambling site, 1xBet.

The Russian website - which has sponsorship deals with Barcelona, PSG and Serie A - has previously been suspended in the UK, for taking bets on children’s sports and other illegal activities like cockfighting.

According to this excellent YouTube documentary from Search Party, the site shows everything from table basketball to “frostball”, a weird mashup between basketball and ice hockey.

Oh, and they’re also streaming Vietnamese snail racing…

🔑 Get The Upshot ad-free twice a week when you upgrade to Upshot Gold.

AND FINALLY…

🎾 I wish I’d caught you at Glasto but Ray had never seen The Prodigy